Kids of Divorce Have Special Holiday Needs

Children whose parents are divorced face special issues during holidays. They are shifted from one home to another, often only getting to play with new toys for a few minutes before having to leave them to move on.

It is sometimes difficult for them to know where they fit in. For instance, if they live with one parent who is re-married and has other kids with that spouse, it is easy to feel like an outsider. Also they feel like an outsider with the non-custodial parent and that new family. Part of each, but not wholly either one.

My ex and I worked this out in a unique way and it was great for the kids. The first year he was supposed to have them Christmas morning, they were really upset wondering how Santa would find them. He approached me about an idea he had.

From that year on, the kids were always at my house for Christmas morning. Santa knew where to come and they were "at home." But he was there also. My ex would sometimes come over very early before the kids woke up or sometimes he spent the night on the couch. If it was his year to have them, then they left with him after opening presents and having breakfast. If it was my year, then he left after breakfast.

So Christmas was always a family affair and we were all together. The kids are grown now and he and I both have wonderful partners to share our lives with. But we are still all together for every holiday, not just Christmas. The family is just a little bigger now.

When I asked for information about holiday traditions, my friend Rosalind Sedacca www.childcentereddivorce.com wrote back with these tips for parents who are divorced to make life easier for the children:

• Remember that 25 % of kids live with only one parent
• Many others are going back and forth with joint custody
• Keeping some old rituals alive will maintain a stability that your child needs
• It is great also to start some new traditions—new songs, new foods, new visiting, creating decorations together, whatever you can think of--will help the child to move on with the changes in the lifestyle
• Don’t bad mouth the ex especially during this time of year. It does no one any good and puts the children in the impossible position of feeling like they have to choose between you
• Regarding holiday plans, talk together alone and don’t bring in kids until decisions are made. Of course as they get older they may have some plans that need to be taken into account.
• Be flexible—schedules can change. Have a game plan for unforeseen events.
• Keep a civil tone with each other. Maybe he did not get them home at exactly 6 pm, but maybe it was out of his control--or his parents had a hard time saying good bye. Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
• Reflecting a cooperative spirit teaches your child how to handle situations in an adult way.
• Let child make age appropriate decisions—no more power than they need Keep choices to a minimum Communicate plans with each other.
• Don't make the holidays a gift giving competition—no need to one up each other.
• The best gift you can give your child is to be in accord with each other and not let them hear you argue.
• Don’t allow mind to work over time wth "poor me"—don’t go to a dark place. Surround yourself with friends and family, start new traditions, don’t dwell on past, pamper yourself.
• Instead focus on its a new me and a new chapter!! Get help if necessary to deal with the emotions you are feeling. That is a great gift to yourself and your children.

Caroling is Not Out of Date

One of "my kids" (which refers to a large number of my kids' friends that I claim but don't have to pay for their weddings or bail them out of jail) sent me this one. She is a terrific mom to an adorable, very busy little guy named Brooks.

I thought caroling was a thing of the past: I am so glad to see it has not gone completely away. Of course the immediate question that comes to mind is "how much moonshine is involved?"

Maybe I can talk my kids into it--of course in their in-laws' neighborhoods instead of mine.

Cat wrote:
All 21 of us go to NC to Winston Salem just like the Grizzwalds. RV and all. Christmas Eve we get all bundled up and go carol around my aunts neighborhood (not one of us can carry a tune and we forget half the words).
After embarrassing my aunt pretty good we come in and warm up and watch old Christmas family videos and talk about them all.
Then the kids open a gift.
Suddenly Santa (usually the new guy of the family) appears and tells the kids merry Christmas and to go to bed...
Then the neighbors hear the commotion and come out with their kids and Santa is busy for a bit. Usually gets attacked or chased by a small dog too:)
Then we wake up Christmas morning to all the Santa gifts and the real fun begins.
Brooks and I also make all our gifts and do arts and crafts to make it REAL special from the heart.

For Holidays that are Sometimes Sad

With all the rushing around to decorate, buy gifts, pull out those Christmas sweaters, and bake those once-a-year cookies. it is often hard to keep the sprituality of the season in mind. It is also a time that is sad for many who have lost loved ones or suffered a tragedy at this time of year in the past.

One person I know found a way to confront those feelings in her family and was willing to share it with all of you. It is a wonderful idea and I am sure filled with emotion.

Heidi's tradition:
The one thing that seems to help is our Christmas Box. It's a simple shoebox (heaven knows I have plenty of those) I decorated that we use to put little thought into. These little messages are written sometime before dinner and we take time read them out loud on Christmas day during desert when everyone is too full to leave the table.

I usually assign a family member to make sure that everyone writes at least one thing to put in the box. The tradition started in 1994 on the anniversary of my mother's death.

The messages can be to loved ones we have lost, to one another around the table, they can be memories of Christmases past, our favorite holiday, vacation, or gift or just about anything. It just needs to be something that stirs our emotions and also conversation.

The only thing better than our Christmas Box is our Thanksgiving Box. My family looks forward to this part of the day I think more than even opening presents. It is sometimes very gut wrenching, but I can tell you that no one in my family has ever had to have therapy! It has brought us closer together and it is even more fun when you see people really get into it.

Buckeyes or Rudolph--Do We Have to Choose?

During my quest for holiday traditions, I received some great ideas and some recipes. So many people wanted to share what they do with others. I believe it is because these are constants in our lives. Not just constants, but they are embedded in our hearts as joyful, peaceful times. These are things we look forward to--no matter what is going on around us.

A third grade teacher (Tiffany) wrote in and offered her family's customs. She is soon to be a first time mom and can't wait to start tradtions of her own.

And Natalie's family has a tradition that starts off the holiday season in her home.

Tiffany wrote:
My favorite Christmas memories include:
My mother, grandmother, aunts and cousins getting together to make Christmas candy. Our favorite was peanut butter balls (buckeyes). (see below for recipe--Pat)
Of course…decorating the house for the holidays.
Santa Claus…he came every year until I was 25!! It was a big deal to me as a child and we just continued the tradition in fun.
The fact that gifts were truly a surprise was very special and magical. I see a lot of people taking their kids shopping and there are no suprises…NO FUN!!!

Natalie:
Each year after we return home from Thanksgiving festivities, we watch the lighting of Macy's tree. The next day we get up early-go tree hunting-come home to decorate and then make hot choclate and watch Rudolph.

Recipes for Buck Eyes:
Soft stick of margarine
8oz jar of PB (Small Jar)
1 box powdered sugar

Mix ingredients together with hands make small spheres out of the mixture. The smaller the better because you get good chocolate to peanut butter ratio. If they are too big, they are not as good. About the width of your thumb.

Melt some “Candy Quick” Chocolate. Only melt about ¼ of the package in the microwave at a time because it will cool too quickly and will scorch if you have to reheat too many times.

Use a tooth pick to dip peanut butter balls into the chocolate. Do not dip completely…leave a small area near the toothpick without chocolate…(This gives that “buckeye” look)

Allow them to cool and enjoyJ

Some of the Best Holiday Customs are the Simplest

One of my listeners, and a former guest, on the show lives in central NY state. Her children have left home to start new lives but they are still a very close family and will all be together this year for Christmas. Here is what she had to say.

From Anne:

This year, with all of us being home, I hope that we'll follow with our traditions of Cutting down the tree and decorating as a family,
Going for a family hike around our favorite lake,
Enjoying sliced fresh oranges, Christmas cookies and coffee while we open gifts,
Going to the Christmas Eve candlelight service (weather permitting up here in Central NY)
Watching the DVD "It's a Wonderful Life"

Anne also had another great idea that is not expensive and is very meaningful. It takes a little effort, but would be worth it down the road.

One of our traditions is to send a photo page with captions of our family happenings. We have many relatives and friends around the country, and this keeps them in touch with what we are doing - and how we are looking - especially how the kids have grown. What I have found now is how wonderful it is to have a record of this over the years. I have put each card and photo page into an album as a memory book. Delightful record of our family history!

Everyone Needs Anchovies for Christmas

Reading all of my radio show listeners' holiday traditions has been so interesting--especially the ones that are vastly different than mine. The following is a Sicilian tradition--and there is a great recipe at the end.

From Chris:
Growing up in an Italian house (mom from Naples, dad from Sicily) we celebrated the Feast of the Seven Fishes. This is not a Catholic tradition but an Italian one; yet its only celebrated in central Italy, near Rome and down through Sicily. The Seven represents the Seven Virtures (faith, hope, charity, temperance, prudence, fortitude and justice).

In our home the tradition was Anchovies, Baccala (dry, salty fish) Shrimp, Calamari & Whitefish. I'm missing two. My mom passed 10 years ago and since the kids are grown, I had to modify or Eddy would be eating fish until the following year! But we do abstain from meat for that day.
(from Pat: I researched the fish for this feast and the most common are: Baccala, Calamari, Shrimp, Clams, Crab, Whitefish, and Mussels/Oysters)

Dessert on that day is only Struffoli. Fried Dough that is dredged in honey (nothing like a zappola or funnel cake) These are small round balls that are hand rolled and extremely addicting.

Recipe for Struffoli:
This is a receipe as it was given to me.
4 C flour 1/2 t Salt 3 T Baking Powder2 T unsalted Butter (room temp) 6 Eggs (room temp) Oil for Frying Honey
Non-Peril candies

Mix all dry ingredients, cut in butter with your hands. Guess I should have said, wash hands first! Make a well and add eggs one at a time and mix well. (Still with hands...its messy but when you use the mixer they come out hard). Knead on floured board for about 10 minutes. Once mixed, cut into 4 sections and work with one section at a time. Place unused portion in a dish and cover with damp paper towel until ready to use.

Pinch off pieces of dough and roll in palm of hand. (About the size of a chick pea) Once two portions are used, fry in oil (not olive) until golden. Remove from heat, pat in paper towels and let sit in collander. Hint: Do not fill the fry pan, these will expand.

After your fried those two batches, discard oil and start the next two. When all are completed, put approximately 2 Cups of honey in a sauce pan and heat. Once heated pour over Struffoli and stir well coating all. Sprinkle non-perils (little balls) over. Form into Christmas trees...

Fact: I usually can't form because everyone is standing around waiting to devour these things but the truth is, I cant make them stand. They fall. I don't know what she did different. Over the years I add a bit more butter and 2 T of sugar. I use Danish Butter when I make these only because I have it on hand from Christmas Baking. AND... use the more expensive honey.

Enjoy ya'll!!

Looking for Dead People at Christmas?

Continuing in the theme of Christmas traditions, I want to share these with you today. The first one is from my friend, author and, singer Norma Stanley.

This is a tradition I have never associated with this season, but it makes sense. Aftrer having sent this to me, she has decided to re-institute this in her home.

For that I am grateful. This is one of those traditions handed down throughout generations in families and should not be lost. The sentiment is warm and wonderful and is part of her heritage.

The second one is from author, Debra Shiveley Welch. It is at once cost effective and keeps the Spirit of Christmas alive in their hearts.

from Norma:
Here's a Christmas tradition that I grew up with...I haven't been following it with my own family, but my mom still does. My family is from the Caribbean and every Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, my mother and grandmother would set the kitchen table with our good china, food (wine, brandy, cheese, bread and other good things that only people from the Caribbean would recognize). The food would be laid out late at night just before everyone went to bed.

When I asked why they did that, they said it was for those beloved family members who had passed (I'm assuming they were angels--although my mom called them the "good dead"), who were watching over us, so they could have a holiday dinner also. It used to freak me out as a kid because I always thought that if I came downstairs in the middle of the night to get a drink or something, I would see ghosts sitting at the kitchen table eating! (Laugh)..What also used to freak me out, was my oldest sister would eat the food in the morning!

from Debra:
Pat, the main tradition I can think of is that Mark, Chris and I give each other three gifts. That's it. Why? Because Jesus received three gifts on the first Christmas. So, Mark, for instance, gets one from me, one from Chris and one from me and Chris together.

What Are Your Holiday Traditions?

I needed a show for this week on Parents Rule! because something came up and my guest had to reschedule. Being the holiday season, I thought it would be fun to talk about some traditions that families have. So I sent out a mass email requesting comments and the response has been overwhelming.

It is not a certainty that I can get all of the great ideas (and recipes) on one show, so I am going to do a series from my listeners' ways of celebrating this season of the year. So enjoy and sent me your traditions for inclusion.


From Tara in the Atlanta area:
I learned a game from my best friend called "hide the pickle". We have a pickle ornament that we take turns hiding in the tree. And we take turns who will hide and who will find the pickle. When you find the pickle, you get a small gift that is under the tree during the week before Christmas.

I make a Greek Memorial called Koliva, attached, and make some variations to this recipe adding pomegranate seeds, and a few other things. Koliva is used for the Orthodox tradition in the Church to remember those in our families that have passed, one year, three years, etc. I use it at Christmas for our family members.

Koliva Recipe:
1 C hulled wheat ( lb.)
4 C water
1/2 - 3/4 C chopped nuts (walnuts, almonds, pistachios, etc.)
1/2 - 3/4 C raisins, golden or regular
1/4 C chopped fresh parsley or mint (optional)
1 tsp. cinnamon
For the topping:
1 C fine crumbs of zwieback or graham crackers
1 C sifted powdered sugar
1/4 - 1/2 lb. white Jordan Almonds (sugar-coated almonds)

The day before the Memorial Service:
Rinse and drain the wheat. Cook it as you would rice, for about 1 to 1 hours. Do not overcook so that the grains explode. Since there is more water in the cooking than there would be for rice, check the wheat as it's cooking for doneness.
Pour the hot wheat into a large or two smaller colanders.
When drained, put the wheat into a large bowl. Cover the wheat with very cold water to stop the cooking.
Allow the wheat to drain overnight.

The morning of the Memorial Service:
In a large bowl mix the wheat with the cinnamon, nuts, raisins, and parsley or mint.
Transfer the mixture to the bowl to be taken to Church. Place a piece of waxed paper on top of the mixture and flatten the top so that it is evenly distributed.
Sprinkle the zwieback or graham cracker crumbs evenly over the wheat mixture. This keeps the moisture from the powdered sugar layer.
Sift the powdered sugar atop the crumb layer.
Use the Jordan almonds to form a cross atop the powdered sugar. The edge of the bowl can be lined with Jordan almonds if desired.
Cover the bowl with plastic wrap.

Plan to be at Church before Liturgy begins so that you can give the bowl and your list of names of your deceased family and friends to the priest. A candle is often placed in the bowl and lit during the memorial service.

© 1999 by Orthodox Family Life and the original author(s). URL: http://www.theologic.com/oflweb. This web site is donated and maintained by TheoLogic Systems, which provides software and information tools for Orthodox Christians and parishes world wide.

Socially Networking Teachers

I just read a post by my friend, Bev Mahone regarding teachers and social networking sites. http://babyboomerbev.blogspot.com/2008/12/your-teacher-hates-your-child.html

It offers insight to a problem few people know exists. Do I think teachers should be able to have MySpace and Facebook sites? Sure I do. They are human and want to keep up with their friends and family. I love having my kids on MySpace and now some of the grandkids on. I can keep up with photos, what is happening in their lives, and vice versa. It is a great tool.

Like any tool, it needs to be used correctly. My parents always taught me that my rights to say and do things end when they intrude on someone else's. Any teacher stupid enough to say on a networking site that she hates her students should expect reactions, just as if she had said it in the classroom. Any teacher who has students as friends and posts revealing photos of herself should also expect to hear about it.

One of my favorite sayings is that "common sense ain't so common." But, hey people, buy some sense and be careful what you put in print!

Share Your Wisdom With Your Children

When I wrote my book, Now You Know What I Know: Parenting Wisdom of a Grandmother, my goal was to tell my kids what I did wrong and what I did right as a parent. They will make their own parenting mistakes, but I saw no need for them to repeat mine.

As I was writing, I would try to remember an event or a saying that I wanted to share with them. Sometimes it took me weeks to find or recall it. Sometimes I never did. Many times I wished I had written more down.

Now What Do You Know: A Wisdom Guide Written By You for YOUR Children is a natural companion book to mine. It is small enough to fit in a purse or diaper bag or bedside stand. It is spiral bound which makes it easy to write it. It can be found at http://shop.ebay.com/items/_W0QQ_nkwZnewQ20parentQ20giftsQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZR40QQ_mdoZ
or at my website: http://www.parentsrulewithpat.com.

To use it, write down:

• Bits of wisdom you have collected. If you have been inspired by something, write it in the book. If you had a great idea for a new family tradition that is catching on, capture the idea and how you came up with it.
• Record wise and profound sayings from other people that you would want to share with your child one day.
• As you learn more about parenting, you will find that there were situations you could have handled more effectively. Chronicle those--record the instance, what you did, how you would change your reaction. This will be very useful to your children as they are raising your grandchildren.
• Keep details of how you felt the first time you saw him--how he looked to you, what you were thinking, and such.
• Secure special art work created by your child into the book: drawings, poems, etc.
• Write poems or draw your own pictures to pass on.
• Log your feelings about her first day a school, graduation, leaving for college, getting married, and so on.

The uses are limitless and the benefits to you and your child are boundless. So many good things have come from my book between my chldren and I. It is my wish that all of you have the same opportunity.

Finding Bliss While Parenting

As parents, we love our kids--that goes without saying. When the baby is born we have that elation and excitement, then things go downhill. Lack of sleep, hormone surges, not knowing what to do with a crying baby, problems with breastfeeding, and such, all contribute a decreased sense of excitement about your choice to have a baby.

What can you do to not get burned out as parents? First realize that you cannot do it all. If you have a small child, don't expect to be able to keep a spotless house. Set realistic expectations for yourself. Trust me, as an experienced parent, they are only little for a short amount of time. Make the most of it. If other people don't want to come to your house because it is not always picked up, who cares?

Music is a great source of peace for me. I can be really stressed and put on Jimmy Buffett or Jackson Browne and I calm right down. Some people react that way to classical music or easy jazz--whatever works, keep it playing softly in the background. It will help soothe you without you even being aware of it.

When your new baby is sleeping, you sleep. Don't worry about straightening up the house. Take the time to renew yourself. Take that much needed bath, sleep, meditate, or whatever makes you feel rested. Again, don't worry about the house. You need your rest to keep up those late night and early morning feedings.

Learn to do some baby massage techniques. Bath time is a great opportunity to do this. You can have relaxing music, soft lights, and lavendar scented baby lotion. Massage works out his little aches and pains and he will sleep better. Talk to him during the massage, or sing if you want. It will be a calming time for both of you.

As your child gets older, take time to exercise. You can do it with your child or without. Exercise releases endorphins which contribute to a sense of well-being. A good aerobic exercise will also work out stress. I discovered running (well, slow jogging would be a better name for it--ok, it was just barely faster than walking, but it helped.) Anyway, my kids figured out pretty quick it made me less grumpy. Periodically I would be on one tirade or another and one of them would go get my running shoes and ask if I wanted to go for a run. The message was sent and received.

Ask for help! If you need some sleep, ask your mom or your husband or a neighbor to watch the child for you for a little while. Sleep, especially with a newborn, is essential and on short supply. Don't think or care that someone may think less of you. If they have ever had a child, they will be glad to help for a few hours. Have formula or a bottle of breast milk available for them and go to bed. Any mom needs energy and that comes from getting enough rest. So do it.

Find ways to have fun with your kids. Even on days when they are acting up, you can find a game or toy you can both play with to turn the day around. Don't forget about exercise. That is the best thing for an energetic, driving-you-crazy kid. She will burn off some of that energy and the two of you will have had fun.

Take a moment each day to appreciate the wonderful miracle you have produced. It may be harder while you are wiping crayon marks off the wall or trying to get magic marker designs off of his skin. But you will find the right time and then think about all the wonderful blessings you have had since that baby came into your world.

Then remember, it is only a start--there are so many more amaziing things headed your way!

Thanksgiving Memory

As Thanksgiving approaches, I am taken back to a time when this holiday was sad for me. My ex used to take the kids every year to PA to visit his family. They got to see grandparents, uncles, aunt, cousins and had a great time.

We had worked out this deal where he would take them for the November trip, which also was around his birthday. In return, I would get the kids every Christmas eve. That way, they always knew that Santa knew where to go. The agreement was always worth it on Christmas morning when I got to see their faces when they came downstairs to see what Santa Claus brought them.

But on the last Thursday of November, I was forlorn. So I did things to occupy my time--like running the Atlanta Half-Marathon. (No need to do a whole marathon. If you can do half, you can do the whole one, right?) I would plan kayaking trips or spend the whole day with my parents, which was great also. But my mind always wandered to kids--what were they doing, what did they have to eat, did they miss me?

The best time of the day was when they would call. Their voices were the tonic I needed and I would feel better. They told me the stories of their trip and how much fun they were having. Once again, I realized that I had done the right thing.

Today, many years later, I am looking forward to the holiday with most of the kids and some of the grandkids. We are all close, but they are also close to that side of the family. The cousins are all close in age and now they are all having kids that will be close in age.

Sometimes it is hard to be a parent and to be unselfish. Believe me, I was not always a perfect, unselfish parent. But in this case, I did the right thing for my children. It is great when you can look back and be able to say that.

technorati

Ok, ya'll I have joined the technical revolution....I joined technorati.

My claim code is Technorati Profile

Hasta Mas Tarde, Padre

Today my newest grandson is 4 weeks old. Yesterday my son, the new dad, left to go back to Panama and his job. He left his wife and son here because she cannot travel for a while yet. I rode to the airport with her in case she needed to tend to the baby on the way home.

It broke my heart to hear him tell his son good by and to take care of his mom. I looked away and teared up while he and Jaime said their emotional good by. They are so close and need each other so. It is hard to see them separated.

I remember when my Michael was born, he was a little jaundiced and had to stay in the hospital for a few days under the bili light. It was so hard to go home to his room and have no baby to put in the crib. I am sure Aaron felt the same way when he arrived in their apartment last night. Even the dog was not there--he had to pick him up today.

What I can say to them is that they are very blessed. Time passes quickly. Jaime is surrounded with friends and family. We will do all we can to keep her distracted and busy. It is certain, due to his job, that Aaron will spend some long hours catching up on work responsibilites. Especially since he was here for a month.

Oh yes, that is what I said. He was able to take Family Leave and spend a month with his wife and infant. And he made the most of it, spending the whole time with the two of them. Some men would have gone out with friends and not spent almost every waking moment with his family. Instead he used the time to help Jaime and get to know that wonderful miracle that was given to them. What a blessing that was for all of them. So few fathers get that bonding time immediately after birth.

Their love is a blessing also. I have a picture in my head of two very old people sitting on a porch watching all their grandchildren and great-grandchildren playing in the yard while the couple reflects on their life together. So few people are together from childhood through old age. These two will, I know. It is that kind of love.. and that kind of love will survive any separation they may have.

At Christmas, he will come back here, and then take them back to their home in Panama where they will start their real lives as a small family. I see only the best in the future for them.

Signs of Evolution?

Frankly, I have never been a big evolution-believer, unless you can link it into Creation (which I think is possible, but that is another story.) Recently my daugher told me that we, as humans, are losing our canine teeth. They are no longer necessary and are slowly disappearing from the mouths of babies all over the world. I have no proof myself but she is smart and so I believe her.

There is one sign of evolution I have been noticing however. When my children's generation put the brakes on in the car, there is no simultaneous arm slap toward the person in the seat next to you. Every car generation through mine has moms who instinctively throw their arms across the person next to her when brakes are applied. This can be embarassing on a bus or train, but we cannot help it. Personally I am sure I have knocked the breath out of several people in my effort to protect them.

My children don't do that. Why would they? First, the kids are safely buckled in car seats behind them. An arm block would do no good whatsoever. Second, in a minivan or an SUV, the other person is far out of reach of that arm. Therefor, this is the first group of moms who have not developed that protective stance.

Is this a sign of evolution? Or is it something less? I report, you decide.

Baby Watch final post--Welcome Logan

My mema is really tired so I thought I would finish my own baby watch update. Momma and Daddy wanted me to be born on the 15th, but I was not really ready for that. Momma was so comfortable and peaceful and I was really happy there. It was my intention to stay a little longer.

Instead, they invoked their Alpha Dog authority and had the doctor cut her open and drag my butt out of there. I was not happy and screamed and kicked the whole way.

Now that I am here, I realize it is not so bad. They feed me, clean me up, rock me, and make lots of silly faces that I still don't quite understand. Why do they do that??? Anyway, so far they have been really good to me. And there are a lot of other people around a lot too. I hear words like mema, nana, papaw, aunt, uncle--can anyone tell me what those words mean? Those people also make funny noises and faces...what is it with that?

And while I am asking questions, what is the black thing on my belly? And where is the cord I played with while I was inside of Momma? I sure do miss it. Can anybody find one for me?

The food is pretty good here. I eat frequently and enjoy it, although it does all taste the same.

The other thing I want to know is what the heck is the silver box that they all have that flashes light in my eyes? They have all done that to me and then look at the boX and say "Oh, look. that is a cute one?" A cute what??

But all in all, I am pretty happy and feel like I have made good choices for Daddy and Momma. But now I have to eat--RIGHT NOW!

Signing off,

Logan

Eggplant Myth de-bunked?

My daughter in law did start having contractions at about 48 hrs after the Eggplant meal (see previous posts). However they did not amount to much and did not lead to baby delivery.

Perhaps she was not so suggestible. Or perhaps, the baby is a lot like his parents. He had his own plan and wanted to stick to it. This tells me that as he grows older they can expect him to want his own way. He will always be a leader, not a follower. He will make up his own mind about things and want to do them his way.

Ok, that is my prediction.

The Eggplant is not working...

Baby Watch update:

So far, the eggplant is not working on my daughter in law--meaning she is not in labor yet. (see yesterday's blog)

Since Aaron has so little time to be here before he has to go back to Panama and work, they are going to try induction tomorrow. That is, unless the eggplant does its job between now and then.

So we wait.

I remember when I worked in labor and delivery many years ago (before ultrasounds...) a doctor telling me "when the apple is ripe, it falls off the tree." My daughter called last night and asked if I thought Jaime would have the baby. I am not sure what that meant, but my answer was simply, "Eventually."

There is no guarantee that induction will work. There is nothing to prevent her from going into labor tonight. We will just have to wait until the apple is ripe!

Baby Watch Weekend Update

No baby yet.

Aaron is now in the States and the baby has permission from Mom to make an appearance, but no sign of him yet. We went to the the GA Tech football game, that didn't work. We went to play with some of my other grandkids--didn't work.

So last night they went to Scalini's in Cobb Co. GA for eggplant parmesan. Why is this important? The restaurant claims that over 300 babies have been born within 48 hours of mom eating their eggplant parmesan. http://www.scalinis.com/Bambino.htm Check it out. We will let you know if it works....

This morning the kids went out for a walk to help stimulate things. She does seem to have dropped some, so maybe it won't be much longer. Hopefully we won't have to go to more drastic measures, like strong laxatives or hooking her up to a giant vacuum cleaner. Personally I recommended sex, but from the look on both their faces, it was obvious they did not want to hear that from mom.

Baby Watch Alert

We are expecting our 11th grandchild--probably next week. My son and daughter-in-law think they are the expecting him, but it is really us grandparents who are the most excited. It is so strange to think of my baby (he is my youngest) having a baby.

It seems like only yesterday I was taking the double dose of Milk of Magnesia to make myself go into labor, spending 24 hurs in and out of the bathroom while I realized I would not know labor cramps from diarrhea cramps. What was I thinking?? When the cramping started to come at regular intervals, I decided to go to the hospital to get checked.

Sure enough, I was in labor. When it was time, I got the epidural I longed for. Well, not exactly since it only worked on one side. I felt every thing on my right side--very strange. He was 9'4" and had a very large head which I felt being delivered on my right side. But he was so cute, all was soon forgiven.

Aaron and Jaime (and Boudreau--pronounced Boo-Dro--what I call him since they haven't given him a name yet) live in Panama (country, not Redneck Riviera). Jaime (the daughter-in-law) is here for her "confinement" as they used to call it. Aaron, my son, is coming in on Sat and thanks to FMLA will get to stay for a while to care for his wife and bond with his son.

I guess I am going to have to get a webcam and the learning curve will start over again with that little gadget. Any advice from you out there in blogland would be appreciated!

Last week she had not started dilating or effacing yet--due date is Oct 19. So she had a long talk on Tuesday with the baby and admitted to him that she had told him not to dare come out until his Daddy was here, but that it was okay to start making a little progress. Since that evening she has had a couple of little contractions. We will see what the doctor says tomorrow.

I will keep you all posted.

Your Child's Teacher is You

The teacher who walks in the shadow of the temple, among his followers, gives not of his wisdom but rather of his faith and his lovingness.
If he is indeed wise he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.
Kahlil Gibran, from the Prophet

As parents we are teachers. What we teach, no one else can. There are others who teach what we cannot. I was blessed in that my father became my tutor when I struggled with Math. He was patient and ruthless at the same time. He was also determined that I would learn—that it would come from my mind, not his. He would help me work out all my problems, then rip up the paper and I would have to do it again, this time by myself.

I thought he did it because he hated me or was just plain mean. As I matured, I realized that he did because he loved me. The lessons were mine to learn, not his to do. He loved me enough to put up with my crying and carrying on every night instead of relaxing on the couch after a long day at work. I am sure there were many nights driving home, he prayed that I had no math homework that night. But he never one time refused to help me.

It would have been easier on him if I had gone to a tutor. But the important lesson I learned is that however your children learn it is they who must do the work. Too many parents are doing the work for their kids these days. That does not teach those children the life lessons they need.

We spend our entire lives learning. Children must learn early how to learn effectively--not have someone learn for them. For me, I would cry and be furious and tell Daddy that I could not do the problems by myself. No matter how much he may have believed I was right, he never agreed with me out loud. How sad it would have been for me if he had caved in and said, Ok, I'll do it and you can turn in that paper.

My vision of myself would have be colored by that failure. He always was my cheerleader--telling me I could do it. He would tell me to relax and remember. As a result I was able to celebrate when I did do the problems by myself. I slowly learned that if I tried, I could do anything. That would not have been my outlook and self portrait if my dad had not "lead me to the threhold of my own mind."

So instill in your child the joy of learning, of struggling and acheiving, of believing in himself. Love your child enough to watch her struggle, failing until she finally succeeds.

Failure to Launch is not just a movie

Do you have a college graduate living at home, letting you do all her laundry and cook her meals while she goes out to have fun with her friends after work?

Do you have a 26 yr old with no college degree and a minimum wage job playing video games on your couch right now?

What went wrong?

Have we failed our kids as parents?

I believe that if we have not taught our kids the skills they need to create their own adult lives, then we have failed them. As parents our role is to teach and guide them into adulthood. It is not to take care of them, their spouse, and the grandkids for the rest of our lives.

Yes, it is hard to let go of that MOM role. You face a lot of emotions and changes—you realize foremost that time is passing and you are getting older. That is very frightening and sobering. You will miss the activity and the friends you have through your kids. You will miss having them around every day.

One of the biggest issues women face is who we are when we aren’t parenting. We have spent so many years as someone’s mom—that is our identity. If the child leaves home, we don’t know who we are and it is daunting to face that. We also may not know who our spouse is and if we have anything in common other than the kids. Again, very scary.

But let me tell you, life is better when the kids are out of the house. They are not gone and you are actively involved in their lives. I have one son and daughter in law who live out of the country and we are still very close. He calls to ask my opinion about things and keeps me up to date with all that is going on in their lives.

I honestly enjoy this part of my life so much more. Their decisions are their decisions—not mine, even if I don’t agree with them. I just shrug my shoulders and am there if they need me. We are all so much closer and enjoy time spent together so much.

Was the separating, the cutting of the apron strings hard? Yep—it was agonizing for me. But I am glad it was done and we are all happier.

So I say, stop doing their laundry, start charging them rent, and stop cooking their meals. Make them responsible for chores around the house and for helping out with the bills. You will be teaching them skills they need to live on their own.

You will be helping yourself move into the next phase of your life. That is the phase in which not every thing is your fault and you get to play with the grandchildren, then go home leaving your child to deal with the spoiling you did. It is great!

Alec Baldwin--alienated or alien?

Alec Baldwin has a book out about his divorce and "parental alienation" from Ireland. Is he a victim or an abuser? Who knows. Both sides have their story. The little message he left his daughter last year sure plays into Kim Basinger's claims. But, then, victims of alienation can be driven to such despair that those slips can occur.

Does it really matter in my life? Not really. Does it matter in your life? Not really.

Ok, Pat, so why are you writing about this if it doesn't matter?

Parental alienation is a real and terrible issue that is happening right now all over the country. Good and loving parents are being portrayed as monsters who stopped loving their kids, at best, and, at worst, are wrongly accused of abuse.

The Baldwin/Basinger controversy throws new light on the debate going on over family court rulings. As parents, we should all get involved in this. Organizations such as Parental Alienation Awareness Organization http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/ are working to make a difference. There are groups in Linked In and other social networking sites also.

Children are permanently scarred by parental alienation. It must be stopped. The targeted parent must be given the opportunity to disprove the alienators claims--for the children. If a child believes a parent has stopped loving them, what do you suppose that does to their self-esteem? Dr. Amy JL Baker has written a very eye-opening book entitled, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. In it, she chronicles the depression, attempted suicides, and other effects of parental alienation on children who are now adults.

So, Alec and Kim...I don't know the particulars of your relationship. But I thank you for bringing this topic out from under a rock and into the light of day!

Abandoned children

Today several stories are buzzing around about children being abandoned in Nebraska.

Nebraska became the last state in the country to have a safe haven law for parents to abandon children without legal repercussions if they follow the law. This law is designed to protect unwanted infants. In Nebraska's case, the law permits abandonment of children up to age 19.

So, yes, parents are abandoning children of all ages. One man dropped off his nine children. My soul is in pain for these children. According to State Senator, Arnie Stuthman, "People are leaving them off just because they can't control them. They're probably in no real danger, so it's an easy way out for the caregiver."

What can be said about that?? Am I at a loss for words--not even a little bit. I just have to temper my comments a little.

What kind of parent is looking for an easy way out? Well, we all have had our moments, but seriously, looking for a way out?

Obviously, these parents should be afforded a required sterilizaiton so they cannot do this to any more children.

Is this the new birth control? Have a kid, drop it off. Or try it on for a few years and if it is inconvenient, then drop it off?

If the child is out of control, then the parents caused that situation in most cases. As I mention before every show on Parents Rule!, it is called parents rule because as parents we set the tone in the home. Parents have got to stop this incessant giving in to every whim of the child. They have got to stand up and say NO and say it a lot. And they have to mean it and stick to it.

Children who are taught respect at a young age--aka: toddler--will not be the uncontrollable teenager. Yes, kids will get into trouble. Mine did; they all do. But never did my kids get into any trouble in which I wished they could just go away and I would never see them again, much less me drive them there!!

Any one can have a baby. That in and of itself does not a parent make! In this day and age, birth control is too available and inexpensive for any one to have a child they do not want.

Just stop what you are doing and ask yourself if you are prepared to accept the consequences of having unprotected sex for the next 18 years. If the answer is no, then stop what you are doing, put your clothes back on, and go home! It is that simple.

Take a teen who is troubled already and put that child in a situation in which the parent just drops him off at a local hospital and says "See ya"--what does that do to that child? Or take a ten year old and the parent just deserts her.

It is something these kids may never recover from. Desertion by a parent is despicable. Children give parents unconditional love. They may be mad and say they don't love us, but they do. They may act out and give us untold frustrations. However, they give and crave that unconditional love with parents for their whole lives.

And how do you have nine kids before you decide you just don't want to be a parent anymore? Someone explain to me just how that happens!!! I don't get it!

It is lost--have you seen it?

My daugher in law is 8 months pregnant...yes, we are about to have grandchild number eleven. How is that even possible when I am so young???

But, I digress. My point is that she is so beautiful and even still has a figure. If you watch her from behind, you would not know she was pregnant.

I had a figure when I got pregnant the first time. I was 23 and not too bad to look at. My figure disappeared somewhere around month 3 and I haven't seen it since. Where did it go? I have pondered that question for many years now. Why didn't it come back? Did I scare it away with my Fritos and Twinkies?

Somehow I thought if I got pregnant again maybe it would come back, but that did not work. Nor did it work the next time. Being of sound mind and body, I gave up after that. If the damn thing was going to come back; it was going to have do it on its own.

Still....why does she still have one at 8 months? This in one of those very unfair things in life. Here is someone I could not love more if I had given birth to her, and yet...! A part of me that lurks in the deep recesses hates her and her exercising figure. (just kidding, Jaime)

The good part is that she is putting all those good genes into my grandson. Hopefully when his wife is pregnant one day, he will be able to keep his figure...!

Grandma Temptation

Yesterday, I was with my grandson (2 1/2), which is always fun for me. We were outside waiting for momma to get through shopping and he was running all over the place. Suddenly, there it was in front of him. It beckoned to him and he slid me a sly glance of warning before he succombed to its tempation.

Suddenly he laughed and yelled, "I jump puddle!" and he did. Then he looked at me and said "Ok, Mema?" I was laughing at his antics while I nodded my head. It occurred to me that when my kids were little, I would most likely have limited the puddle exposure and quickly distracted them. Now, as a grandmother, all I could do was laugh at him and enjoy his pleasure.

Suddenly that wasn't enough for me. This was not an experience to be lived vicariously...so I joined him. We took turns splashing the water and soaking our feet. (Well, after all, it was in the mid-80's--no one was going to die of hypothermia here.)

I saw my daughter coming and quickly got him and me out of the puddles. But he ratted me out. "Mema and Benton jump puddles---watch!" With that he ran over and jumped back in. My daughter raised her eyebrows at me and asked if this was true. Sadly, I had taught her not to lie, so I had to admit it. But I quickly went on to explain that he started it...!

Are fast food restaurants making our kids fat?

Baloney...or maybe I should say Tofu! That is just silly.

In the Atlanta Journal & Constitution recently they ran a pro-con editorial about whether the feds should step in and regulate advertising aimed at children. I was honored to have my letter to the editor published and thought I would talk about it a little here.

There is a growing obesity problem in our children. That is leading to a huge increase in children with conditions and diseases that once were only found in adults, such as Type 2 Diabetes and high cholesterol. This is a terrible problem and it is cautiously being said that this may be the first generation who will have a shorter life span than their parents. Makes you gasp, dosen't it?

Having said that, do I blame fast food restaurants and soft drink companies for targeting children? No, not in the least. We have a free market society and they have a right to target whomever they please. (Consumers have the right to refuse to buy the product.) This has always been part of their marketing strategy. Nothing new to see here--move on.

So what is the difference? Parents. My parents did not care how many times I wanted fast food or candy. I got it as a special treat and that was rarely. My kids got it a little more often because I was a working mom and sometimes that was all I could do on the way to a ballgame. However, I tried to limit it and to provide healthy meals for my kids nearly every day.

Many parents today want the government to make their kids not want this stuff--right! Like that is going to work. The genie is out of the bottle, baby. Those kids know about this stuff now and they are going to want it. Parents, you are going to have to put on your big girl panties and big boy boxers and say...let me think...what was that word...oh, I remember. Say NO!

Parents are ones who need to be the example by eating healthy and exercising themselves. They need to plan meals and healthy snacks that fit into busy lifestyles. I used to cook more that one meal at a time. That way when the week was going to be busy, I could pull out an already prepared meal, nuke it, and the kids ate healthy. You can also fill a cooler with healthy snacks to eat on the way to practice or whereever--fruits and cheese are perfect for this.

There needs to be a return to personal responsibility. Parents, if you look at your kids and they are overweight, there is only one person to blame. (hint...look in the mirror.) The last time I looked, 8 and 10 year olds did not drive themselves to the closest burger joint and buy themselves fries.

Get that child out from in front of the TV or computer. Yank that cell phone out of her hand. Get him involved in some physical activity. Start planning healthy meals. Make a change right now for the life of your child.

Our government was never meant to do everything for us. If it was, our founding fathers would have set it up as a dictatorship. Remember, in the words of Thomas Jefferson, "A government that is big enough to meet all your needs is big enough to take all you have."

Granddaughter visit

Our oldest granchild came to visit us this past week. She lives in Texas and we live in Georgia so our time together is usually limited and shared with her parents and siblings. This was her first visit to our house as well as the first plane ride for her. Despite the 5 hour weather delay, the flight was uneventful, so maybe she will venture onto another one in the future.

It was great to have her all to ourselves for a few days and really get to know her. We have always loved her, but now we also feel like we know so much more about her.

Here is what we now know:

• She is an amazing person with a great personality and fun sense of humor.
• She doesn't like hot dogs--how is that possible?
• She likes Jimmy Buffett which makes her even more special in our book.
• Not a big roller coaster fan!
• She is an independent thinker--a great trait I hope she never loses.
• We love her even more than we did before! And that was a lot!

Hopefully now that the plane trip virginity is behind her, she can come every year. And we can have more fun. The photo was from a great hike on Blood Mtn in Georgia. We laughed and struggled together up and down the trail. My sprained ankle happened when we were almost done, thank Goodness. We also took her to some great tourist sites in Atlanta such as Stone Mt. Park for the evening laser show, Six Flags, and of course, the Varsity for re-lubrication. And she loved them all as much as we did. Come back soon dahlin', ya'll heah?

Kindergarten camp?

Now the latest thing in the paper is that kids need to attend "kindergarten camp" before starting kindergarten. WHAT???

My question is WHY?? Is it really necessary? One of the teachers said it would have made her more confident on her first day of kindergarten if she had attended something like this. Seriously, folks, do you remember your first day in kindergarten? Was it so traumatic to you that it changed your life forever?? Are you still having nightmares about the proper way to finger paint? Are you still unable to take a nap on a rug in the middle of the day due to the extreme angst you felt over not knowing that those naps would happen?

I don't remember much about kindergarten and pre-school at all. I rememer learning cool songs like, "I'm a Little Teapot" which my mother made me perform at the grocery store one time. I remember being more traumatized by a class trip to see "Bambi" and the fact his mom was killed in the movie than anything in the kindergarten classroom.

It is time we get a grip!

Pregnancy Pact

Ok, we have all heard about the school in Gloucester, MA in which there are 17 pregnant teens (ages 15 and under). This is a number which is much higher than the statistical average. It appears that all of these girls actively tried to get themselves "in the family way."

The question on everyone's mind is "Why?" What in the world were they thinking? According to one schoolmate, possibly the need for unconditional love was the reason. Why do these teens feel like that is lacking in their lives? Where the heck are the parents?

If these kids think a baby is going to make their lives better, they need to think again!

• Walking the floor in the middle of the night with a colicy baby is not feeling loved.
• Watching other friends going out on dates and parties and being kids will be very hard while they are home with a baby.
• It is hard to do homework with a baby to look after (hoepfully they will still go to school).
• Boys that age are only going to want to date them for one reason--it is obvious they put out and that is what the boys will want. It will be very hard for them to find a guy who will be interested in a serious relationship.
• Their figures are blown to all heck. Do they realize how hard it is to lose baby weight?

We parents need to see this as a wake up call to reassess our relationships with our children, especially our teens. Do they know we love them unconditionally? Do they know we are their greatest cheerleader?

Remember when you correct your child that it is important to separate the transgression from the person. Never tell them they are bad or useless. Never withhold your love as a punishment. Every day tell them how much you love them. Talk to them about sex and parenting. It is okay if you tell them that parenting is hard--it is!

Talk to your kids about the children in MA that are having babies. Find other things in the news affecting or referring to teens and discuss those. A family with an open dialogue is less likely to have a problem like the families in Gloucester are facing.

So go--give your children a big hug and tell them how grateful you are that they are in your life!

Parrotheads on Parade

Where is the only place in the world where you can see sights like these?

Where can you sing Rocky Top, spin a Hula Hoop, and get a cold Tequila shot while standing in the same spot? Isn't my daughter in law cute doing the hula hoop?? The handsome gentleman behind her is my Monty.

Last week we loaded the decorated vehicles with food, grills, various adult beverages, soft drinks, and our iPods. We then made the annual pilgrimmage to dance at the feet of the King of Caribbean Soul.

It was a very hot day and we even carried enough water with us to fill a small wading pool--thank God! If you see the picture of the wading pool and see milk jugs in it, well there is a story to that. I decided the pool water should be cold so I filled some jugs with water and froze them. But when we got there, no one had a knife to cut off the plastic--so I just stuck the whole thing in the water. It was cold--and healthy!!

We had margaritas and Cheeseburgers in Paradise--not that I really think the parking of the amphitheater is paradise. Just go with it...! We had cold watermelon and lots of water to drink.

Grass skirts were not in short supply, nor were Hawaiian style shirts or leis. Laughing and joking with all kinds of people we did not know in the parking lot is always a blast and this year held true to form.

Why is this in a parenting blog? Every year whichever of my kids are available and I go to the Jimmy Buffett concert. I started when they were in middle school--but back then they only went for the concert, not the tailgate. Happily when I married Monty, he enjoyed it as much as the rest of us. It is more special that he can share the festivities.

When my kids got into high school, they started inviting their friends who invited their parents...!! Who would have thought that?? I remember one year when we had 40 people--all kids and their parents at the show together.

So we have kids and parents having a great time together. We laugh and sing and dance and act silly. We wrap our arms around each other in the evening and sing along with Buffett, swaying to the rhythm of the music.

It is a bonding time; a time when you just enjoy being together. Thoughts drift to my kids who could not be with us for this show, and somehow we are all connected. Memories of earlier shows when they joined us fill my head and my heart sees them.

50 is the new 0

Reading USA Today this morning I saw an article about a few schools across the country that want to make 50 the minimum grade any child could receive. Yes, 50 is still a failing grade, but if you average it with other scores, it could make the difference between a F and a D on the report card. Their argument is that it would give a child more incentive to work harder in school.

PUH--LEEZE!

How does this prepare a child to become an adult and live a successful life?

I stayed motivated in school for several reasons:

• my dad's spankings if I did not (my mom's flyswatter did not quite motivate me as much as daddy. I am not saying he was ever abusive--he wasn't. He just had a way of getting my attention.)
• being grounded for 6 weeks until the next report card came out, therefore having to spend every free moment with my parents was not my idea of fun--while all my friends were going to movies, dances, and just hanging out,
• if I did not get good grades I could not go away for college (see #2 above..)

So what am I saying? Looks like my motivation to do well is thanks to my PARENTS, NOT THE SCHOOL SYSTEM. What a concept!

We don't need the schools to eliminate all competition in class. We don't need the schools to motivate our children. We don't need the teachers to pass kids just because they don't want to deal with them another year. We don't need the government more involved in our families!

What we need is for parents to stop buying their kids stuff...who needs more stuff? Now we have to have 4000 sq foot homes, 3 car garages (not for the cars--they sit in the driveway), and 3 storage sheds to hold all our stuff .

We do need parents to spend time with kids helping them with their homework. Talk to the teachers and find out what your kids need to succeed. If your child isn't doing well, don't assume it is the teacher's fault. Look at your child--no, that child is not perfect...! See what is going on in all of your lives. Parents, set a standard and a consequence for not meeting that standard. Then do not give reprieves from the consequences just because your little sweetie looks up with those big innocent eyes and promises to do better next time.

Encourage your kids to study and teach them good study habits. Make it a priority. I am not saying to put so much pressure on your kids that they need tranq's but, rather, to live by my dad's favorite saying to me, "If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well." Push your kids to do their best and learn all they can learn. Don't let them slack off while you do the science project or write the paper for them. Maybe their best is a C and not an A. Ok--but a D or an F is not ever acceptable.

Motivation for acheivement has to be taught and encouraged at home. It is not the school's job.

What is next? If you have 15 students with A's and 15 with C's will we split the difference and give them all B's?

Who is my advisor?

As the parent of grown children, I can look back and laugh at all the times I had to be firm with them. Were they thankful? Believe it or not, they weren't! I remember a lot "I hate you's" being hurled in my direction which were immediately followed by the inevitable slamming door.

I did not let that perturb me. There was no way that they could really hate someone who loved them as much as I did. So I would ignore them or yell "Well, I love you" through the still rattling door.

In my memory it was my daughter and I who performed this ritual most often.

The other day, we were at the park with her boys (yes, I cursed her into having one just like her..) and I asked her advice about something. As always, she carefully thought before she answered and then gave me exactly what I needed.

Later I thought about how many times over the past few years we have called each other to ask the other's opinion. What a treasure that is! Erika always gives great counsel. She is very intellingent, but also very intuitive. It is what makes her a great mom. And a great advisor.

Who would have thought back then that she would be my best friend, the woman I most trust in the whole world? Funny, isn't it?

I also believe that the fact that I enforced the rules of the house, despite her tirades about how awful I was, helped to make her the woman she is today. Moms, trust your inner self that knows the right thing to do. Be consistent with love and with discipline. That is how you prepare your children for the rigors of the adult world.

My daughter has seen more than her share of hardships and faces each new challenge with a courage I can not imagine. I know some of what I taught her helped her be prepared for what she had to face and how she is winning every battle.

When I watch her with her children, I see a lot of me (the good part)...maybe that is not so bad.

My best worst game of golf...

This week I joined several others in a golf tournament for a local charity. Coming off a day last weekend where I had my best golf shots in a long time, I was confident that everyone at the tournament would be talking about me when the day was over. They would be saying things like, "Wow, she has really improved." and " I wish I was that consistent with my putting" and "I can't believe she got a hole in one and won the longest drive contest in one day!"

My first drive on the first hole went for, oh, about 10 feet (stop lifting your head, Pat) and things got worse from there. I think in 18 holes I had 3 shots I was proud of. Not my vision at all.

It is obvious what made this my worst day, but what was best about it?

My son played in my foursome. He, too, has had better golf days. But we laughed and joked and teased each other all afternoon. Now that he is a grown married man, I get less time to do that than I used to.

So the sun was shining, the temperature was perfect, and I got to spend a whole aftternoon with my Michael. It just doesn't get any better than that! (well, unless one of us had actually gotten a hole in one and won the Mercedes!)

Super Bowl in Panama

Ok, so that was months ago. You are asking me why I am going to talk about the Super Bowl in April? Because I have been so busy...the dog ate my notes...I had temporary amnesia...any of these work for you?

Anyhoo....

One of the best things for me about being a parent of adults is getting hang out with them. And I am going to do a little series on just that topic.

This past February we were visiting our son and daughter-in-law in Panama (that is Central America, not the Redneck Riviera). He has a great job there and they love it. So we decided to go check it out. The first day we did typical tourist stuff: Panama Canal, Panama Viejo, Casca Viejo, etc. All great but nothing to compare to the adventure to come.

We flew to Bocas del Toro on the Caribbean coast. Our lodgings were nice--a really great outdoor shower. Well it was great until we found we only had cold water. And we were in the middle of Carnival so that wasn't getting fixed. They kept telling us they would fix it but we were obviously on island time...no biggie!

The night we arrived was the night of the Super Bowl so we asked if there was anywhere we could see it. Not really expecting a positive answer, we were suprised (in more than one way) to be told we could see it at "Bumfucks." I was standing there thinking that I thought that was in Egypt. Well, don't fuss at me, that is what he said! And he said everyone in town would be there.

So we got ready and headed down there early to get a table. The place was named "Baumfaulks" after the German founder, but the name has been bastardized over the years to what we were told. It was a typical Caribbean structure with a thatched roof--very rustic! Upon entering, we saw a young Australian couple we met earlier in the day. They had a great table and asked us to join them.

This was maybe the most amazing people watching place I have ever been. My son and I agreed that we felt like we were in a Hemingway novel or a Jimmy Buffett song. By the time the game started we had seen American and European college students, familiies of all sorts, Panamanians, guys who I am sure came straight there from Viet Nam and never left, tatooed and kerchiefed bikers and biker babes, people who were drunk, people who were high, women looking for love, and a fight right in front of us. It was great!

Our table was evenly divided on which team we were cheering for (Go! Little Manning!) and we laughed and bantered the night away over a table filled with wings, chips, other munchies, and buckets of beer and bottles of water. About half time we were even invaded by costumed creatures from the Carnival Parade!

I have never had an experience like it! While the game was on, everyone was into it, cheering for their favorite team du jour. No differences mattered. When the game ended everyone poured out into the street to join the Carnival crowd and we blended in with the others. Everyone was there to have a good time--and we did!

The best part of the whole experience was that I shared it not only my husband, but with my baby and my daughter-in-law. It is a memory I'll treasure for the rest of my life!

Should Hillary Clinton be our next President?

Should Obama? Should Romney? Should McCain Should Huckabee?

What do you think? Do you know what you think? Do you recognize the names?

As parents it is our responsibility to know who we are electing and what they stand for. Know what issues are important to you, to your family, and to the country. Don't just listen to TV, radio talk shows, or read print to find out what you should believe.

Too many people in this country will vote for a candidate because:

• of gender (for or against),
• of race (for or against),
• of religious persuasion (for or against), or
• because someone else said they should.

None of these reasons are good enough to use your sacred privilege to cast a secret ballot on a single individual. Where do you personally stand on national security, illegal immigration, the tax code, the trade deficit, the housing 'crisis', the environment. These are all vital issues to be addressed in the next four years.

Pay attention to how these candidates have stood on these issues for the past decade, not just on what they are saying in a campaign speech. Or, worse yet, don't let someone else tell you what these candidates stand for. Check it out your self. Make it a family project.

Use this as a chance to get closer to your children and teach them how to vote and how to vote responsibly. It is disgusting to me that in the FL primary yesterday everyone was so excited about the fact that in some precincts almost 40% of the eligible voters turned out to vote.

When I was in school 40% was not a passing grade! Where in God's name are the other 60%? Be a good citizen and a good parent. Vote for the candidate who most fits your values. Your children's futures are dependent on what we do as voters. Teach your children how to compare candidates and vote intelligently.

On the other hand, if you are not an informed voter, please stay home.

Cyber Bullying--a deadly threat to our children!

My son was an early casualty and his death an early warning to our society that we’d better pay close attention to how our children use technology. We need to study this new societal problem with a sense of urgency and great diligence. We must also be swift and deliberate in our law making and social policy development when it comes to protecting our youth from the misuse of technology against them and amongst them.
John Halligan, Ryan’s Dad (http://www.ryanpatrickhalligan.org/); from the foreword for the book, Cyber Bullying: Bullying in the Digital Age by Robin Kowalkski, Ph.D, Susan Limber, Ph.D, and Patti Agatston, Ph.D (http://www.cyberbullyhelp.com/)


Technology is a wonderful thing. The advancements just in my life time have been incredible. Think about my grandmother who was born in the late 1800’s and lived to see man walk on the moon. What will our children see? What will they do? There are so many good things in store for them.

However, as with anything, technology has its down sides. Parents, you must be diligent in keeping up with the technology our children are using. Instilling good values is paramount during this age when an immature child can send a negative message about someone they are mad at to the entire world. That immaturity does not allow him to understand the ramifications of what he has done.

She does not realize that what she has done could change the course of the other person’s life. In my day, a small rumor may have been spread about someone but it did not go very far. It stayed in a select group and could be disproved. Such is not the case nowadays.

And what if your child is the victim? How do you react? How do you help?

All I can say is that we need to go back to the Golden Rule and teach our children how to live a life in which they understand and practice right from wrong. Teach them appropriate ways to vent frustrations and handle disputes. Know what is happening in your child's life online--there should be no sites they go to that you are locked out of. You need, more than any time in history to have good communication with your kids. Laws are needed that protect us but do not intrude on individual rights.

It is not a time to step back and let someone else raise your kids! Be involved. I pray none of you ever have to go through what Mr. Halligan had to endure.

Prostitots and Other Thoughts about Kids Clothes

My guest on Parents Rule! (www.radiosandysprings.com Thurs. 2-3 pm EST) this week is Celia Rivenbark (www.celiarivenbark.com) who has written a book entitled Stop Dressing Your Six Year Old Like a Skank. This has made me do some thinking about this particular phenomenon.

Do you suppose that these parents are all blind? Do they not notice that their precious 8-year old girl is leaving the house wearing a top with suggestive wording on it? According to Celia, there is a term for babies who dress this way--prostitots. Is that how you want your child to think of herself?

Do they not see their teen going out among the opposite sex with clothing on that leaves nothing to the imagination. I truly believe, but have not tested the theory, that these girls can have sex without actually removing any piece of this clothing. Are these same parents going to be surprised when their children are pregnant, have herpes, or just simply found out to be having sex? When they want to know what happened, they will need to take a trip to Lookinthemirrorville.

Frankly I am tired of looking at fat girls in too-tight jeans with lots of jiggly fat hanging out from the under the short midriff shirt. Does anyone really think this looks good? Do they look in the mirror and say, "Oh boy, I gained more weight since yesterday and that belly fat is jiggling better than ever!" My mom would have taken one look at me if I had dressed like that and given me lectures on the following subjects:

• Proper attire for a young lady
• Nutrition and benefits of the lack of sweets in my diet
• What teenage boys are interested in
• Why I would never find a decent husband
• What the neighbors would think
• How I had disappointed my father, or the subtitle, How will we ever show our faces in town again if you go out of this house dressed like that

It would be way too late to meet my friends by the time she would have finished--which, actually, would have been her goal.

Are we so afraid of disciplining our kids that we cannot say no to them? Are they just too busy to care how the kids look? Or are they just to apathetic to argue? In any case, parents need to wake up and be the parents they are intended to be.

We are not supposed to our kids friends. They have plenty of friends! Your children need you to set some limits and uphold consequences for violating those limits. In time, as your child becomes an adult, you will become more friend than parent and that is a wonderful stage. I love that my kids are my best friends. But while they are young, you can be loving and friendly. However you must be the parent.

I refuse to apologize...

to my children if I want to spend time with you. I refuse to apologize for having my feelings hurt when I am not included in something in your life. Or for occasionally (really, you have to admit I am pretty good about this) giving you an opinion about something you said or did that you neither requested or appreciated.

Why do I refuse to apologize? Because I have earned the right to do those things and be forgiven. I have earned the right by:

• Walking the halls all night with a col icy baby
• Using those nasty cloth diapers because you were allergic to disposables and having to wash them out in the toilet before putting them in the diaper pail
• All the times I hemorrhaged from the finger sticks I got from diaper pins
• Crying and feeling like I failed you every time I had to paddle your padded behinds--here I thought I was sending you to your room to think about what you did wrong and to feel bad. Later I find out it was only a great chance for you to pad your underwear.
• Hours in the car hauling your butts from here to yon; not to mention bringing the friends along
• More hours listening to a 3 year old say "guess what?" 600 times a day.
• Letting you live when you were 3 and flipped me off
• Listening to three toddlers squeal "MINE!!!!" about 500 times a day for approximately 6 years
• The times I had to resort to yelling that you will not be allowed touch each other again in your whole lives if you whine "he touched me" one more time today in the car
• Putting out the fire you started in the backyard
• Digging up, cleaning up, and giving new life to all the GI Joe figurines that "died in battle and had to be buried."

Do I need to go on? This is only a partial list of the reasons why you need to give a break sometimes. Just shake your head and remind your self that, yes, I am a crazy old woman. Just remember it is you who made me that way.