Parenting Lessons from Jared Loughner

When I hear something that seems as senseless and vile as the shooting this week in Arizona, I try to find a positive or a lesson from it. Nothing in life is completely random. It seems clear that this young man who shot all those people, had a plan. But it is also evident that he was troubled. I have read comments about him in which a professor was afraid to turn his back on him and that he talked to himself and was a loner.

My heart goes out to all the victims of the shooting. It also goes out to Jared's parents. From all accounts, they are completely devastated. That is understandable. Their statement made yesterday broke my heart. However, there are questions that need to asked--not to judge them, but to ask ourselves if it is possible this could occur in our own lives with our children.

What can parents learn from this mutiple tragedy? After much thought, it seems apparent to me that we must see our children for who they are, not who we want them to be. Parents everywhere have dreams for their offspring. We always want to believe in the best in them and see them in the best light. Sadly, many parents carry it a little to far and refuse to see the troubled child living in their home.

To neighbors and teachers, Jared was a troubled person and had been that way for many years. Did he have a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder? Did he have multiple personalities? Was he bipolar? Was there a treatable malady distorting his mentation? Was he sociopathic? Who knows?

I have made so many mistakes with my parenting that I will never say that any parent did a bad job. Who knows what went on in their home. Maybe these parents tried over and over to get help for him. At age 22, that was hardly still an option--he is of age and can only make those decisions for himself. And, from personal experience, I know that you cannot help someone who doesn't want help.

Also as parents, we cannot plan our children's lives as adults. They have to make their own way and walk their own path. There are many stories of wonderful parents who had children who went astray. There is no way to predict when this will happen, or to which families. If we have done all we can as parents and our child chooses to walk a dark path, we should have no guilt for that. It is their choice.

But, my point today is that we must look at and really SEE our children. Are they having trouble in school? Having issues with relationships? Unable to keep a job? Disrespectful to us or to others? Are one person one day and a different one the next? Is your gut telling you that something is wrong, even though your heart is begging you not to believe it? Listen to what your children say. Read what they write on social media sites and blogs and slips of paper in their room. Pay attention and take action if warranted.

I pray none of you ever have to go through what any of the affected families are suffering. I pray my family never has to either.

If Only I Didn't Love My Kids So Much...

From the first moment I held my babies and looked into their eyes, I was forever in love with them. The overpowering feeling was like nothing I could have ever imagined. It is funny how that feeling never goes away--even when they are adults and have their own lives. As the new year rolls in, I have spent a little time in reflection and have the following to share.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would have gotten a lot more sleep, rather than sleeping on the floor next to their crib or bed when they were sick--staying awake most of the night to make sure they were okay. But then I might have missed something I could have done for them or I might have missed the moonlight reflected on the sweet innocent sleeping faces that I can still see today.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would have shed fewer tears. They didn't see the times when I had to punish them, then went to my room and cried because of it. Or the times when they were in pain--physical or emotional--I cried as many tears as they did. It is so hard to see someone you love so much hurting and not be able to do anything about it. But then, when they were little, I would not have been able to kiss the boo-boo with enough feeling to make it better.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would have had so much more time for myself. Instead of going to concerts, practices, ballgames, activities, and such, I could have been out having fun with my friends. But then, I would have missed the best times of my life.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would not get my feeling hurt as often. Unintentional and the very rare intentional, slights from my children wouldn't matter to me. It is hard to understand that the love a child has for a parent is different than the love a parent has for a child. For a mom, our child become who is now an adult was once the baby that grew within her, the one she nursed and protected, the one she corrected and guided. It is a special feeling that appears in no other relationship. So we moms sometimes get our feelings hurt if we feel we have been slighted. But then, I would not be the person I am if I didn't care that much.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I could have spared them more pain in life. I could have protected them from life more often and not let anything ever hurt them, just like I promised them when they were babies. But then, they would not be the resilient resourceful adults they are now. To love them means letting them learn that they can fall and get back up. It also means teaching them to take responsibility for their decisions and their actions.

If only I didn 't love my kids so much, I would not feel empty on holidays when I have share them with in-laws. Don't get me wrong, I love all the in-laws my kids have brought into our lives and I understand they love their children (and mine) as much as I do. It is just hard to share sometimes. But then, it makes me appreciate the times we are together so much more. I truly value the moments when my kids go out of their way to spend time with me. It is a wonderful gift.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, my life would be so empty. The joy they have brought me is immeasureable. And now we have added stepchildren and spouses and grandchildren to the family so we number 25. And the joy of Christmas was enhanced with the news that the 26th member of the family will be here in August. I am truly blessed.

What Are the HOT Toys for Christmas?

Well, I finally let you all down. I tried to have Chris Byrne, the Toy Guy, that you have seen on TV shows, such as GMA, Fox and Friends, Today Show, Live with Regis and Kelly, and many others. Sadly, we could not get our schedules to mesh.

So I have gone to his website http://www.timetoplaymag.com and am listing for you what he says will be the top sellers for this year.

By the way, you should check out his website--they have giveaways year round and on Monday they are announcing the winner of a play award that was voted on by visitors to the site!

There is lots of information about different toys and videos showing them. For instance, I have been wondering what in the heck a Squinkie is--now I know.

So, without further ado, here is Chris' list of HOT toys (in alphabetical order):

• Bop It Bounce, recommended for boys and girls 8 and up
• Dance Star Mickey, recommended for all kids (or kids at heart) 2 and up
• FurReal Friends Go-Go, My Walking Pup, recommended for girls 4 and up
• Hogwarts Castle, recommended for boys and girls 8 and up
• Imaginext Bigfoot the Monster, recommended for boys 3 and up
• iXL, recommended for boys and girls 3 and up
• Lalaloopsy, recommended for girls 8 and up
• Leapster Explorer, recommended for boys and girls 4 and up
• Lego Games, recommended for boys and girls 7 and up
• Loopx, recommended for boys and girls 7 and up
• Monster High, recommended for girls 6 and up
• Moon Dough, recommended for boys and girls 2 and up
• Nerf and Strike Stampede ECS Blaster, recommended for boys 8 and up
• Silly Bandz, recommended for boys and girls 5 and up
• Sing-A-Ma-Jigs, recommended for boys and girls 3 and up
• Squinkies, recommended for girls 3 and up
• V.Reader, recommended for boys and girls 3 and up
• Zoombles, recommended for girls 4 and up

Hope this helps with your shopping for the holidays! Have fun.

Beware of "Bad" Praise!

Is there good praise and bad praise for your kids? Isn't any praise good for them? After all, there have been studies that show that self-esteem is incredibly important in our kids. So how can there be bad praise?

In the book, Nurtureshock: New Thinking About Children http://www.nurtureshock.com , authors Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman show why there is such a thing. Not only does a certain type of praise not help our kids, it can actually decrease their desire to achieve.

An example in the book shows kids being giving tests. After the first test, one child is told they are very smart. The other is told they must have tried really hard. For the next test, the children are given a choice of an easier test or a harder one that will teach them something.

The child who was told they were smart picked the easier test. The one who was told they tried hard picked the harder one. And it was not true for just one group of kids. It is universal. The "smart" kid could not allow themselves to fail, so they would not put themselves in a position where that could happen.

If you praise effort, you give the child a variable they can control--the amount of work they put into a project. Conversely, the kids who were praised for their intellect (which they do not control) felt no need to put out effort.

These results were true, regardless of socioeconomic class or gender. So if you want to make a big difference in your child, praise their efforts. Tell them they worked hard on a project and did it well rather than tell them how smart they are. Tell them they hit the ball well in the baseball game rather than saying they are great ball players.

If you think about it, it makes sense.

Children Need to Learn Patriotism at Home

Recently I saw a YouTube video entitled I Fought For You by The Sound Tank. I will post it on my Parents Rule Facebook page tomorrow. It is an excellent way to start a discussion with your child about our country. This week we celebrate Veteran's Day, a day set aside to honor all those men and women who have served our country and played a part in gaining and preserving our freedom.

So many forces are trying to take away our freedoms these days and we must be vigilant. But, even more important, we must teach our children to be on guard against attacks from outside and from inside our borders. Some attacks sound innocent enough until you scratch under the surface and find out the true goals.

Therefore we must (and we must teach our children) to never take a pundit's or a politician's or a reporter's word as absolute fact until we have done the research ourselves. Our country has always been united in its desire to protect our freedom. We need to continue on that path or face loss of what we hold dear about our wonderful country.

Talk to your kids--make sure they know that freedom comes at a price. It is sometimes a steep price, but worth it. Ask any Gold Star mom (one who has lost a child in military service) and she will tell you how proud she is of her child's desire to play their role in our country's history.

God bless our troops and keep them safe.

Stop Those Terrible Kids Selling Pumpkins...Really?

According to http://www.idahoreporter.com, a government official shut down an illegal pumpkin stand last week in Lewiston, Idaho. Thank God these dedicated officials are out the protecting us from the crimes of 4 and 6-yr olds. What would have happened if they had not been on top of this heinous crime?

Here's is what the outcome could have been:

• Two little kids would have earned some money to buy sports equipment.
• These children may have learned that money is earned, not picked off the money tree (as my parents were fond of telling me.)
• The parents may have taught their children a valuable lesson that will aid them in life.
• The kids may have had the satisfied feeling of playing with a toy or a ball that they had earned through hard work, instead expecting the government to take care of them.
• The people who bought the pumpkins would have left feeling a little happier because they knew they had helped the kids help themselves.

As you can see, the consequences could have been dire. Thank goodness all of that was averted. Let's not raise another generation of entrepreneurs, for Pete's sake.

So, does this rule extend to garage sales and lemonade stands? Where does it start and end?

Seriously folks, this is why Americans are joining the Tea (taxed enough already) Parties. It is not because of racism or trying to push the political agenda of one party. Individuals from all races, all ages, all socio-economic stages, and all political parties are joining because our government beauracracies are out of control.

Incidents like this one are disgusting. This kind of government intrusion was unheard of when I was growing up. I want our country back to a state in which a child can sell a pumpkin or a cup of lemonade without being harassed by the government who is supposed to be there to support them.

10 Ways to Date Your Spouse

At a wedding shower the other night someone told the bride and groom that the secret to marriage is to "always date your wife." Another guest, a young married man, said "That is easy until the baby comes." Since that night I have thought about both comments and, as usual, have an opinion about them. (You could at least pretend to be surprised...)

The advice to always date your wife goes both ways--always date your spouse or always keep that dating relationship may be better ways to put it. When dating, you are always trying to make the other one happy, find little gifts for each other, avoiding silly arguments, and doing a lot of kissing and snuggling. All those actions are great for a marriage and helps to keep the fires of romance and love kindled.

My main comments are regarding the second comment, which happens to be very true. When you have a baby, everything changes. You have less free time, less sleep, less money, and someone else to focus your attention on. Having said that, the baby also brings great joy to a loving couple and the upsides outweigh the downsides.

However you can still date your spouse. Here are my suggestions:

• Bring home a bouquet of flowers or a card unexpectedly for no reason every now and then. If you do it too often it loses its affect.
• Without warning, walk over to your spouse while they are cooking, changing a diaper, playing a video game, etc. and give them a big, sexy kiss--not just a peck, but the real enchilada.
• Never say bad things about your spouse to your friends. When you say positive things, that is what you invite into your home.
• Don't fight about little stupid things. If you get mad about something, walk away for a bit before you let them have it. Think about whether it will be important in 10 years. If yes, go back and discuss it. Avoid arguing if you can discuss. If no, let it go. Or, think about whether it would have made you mad when you were dating...chances are that most things will be a "no" here. Let it go.
• Never for any reason shut the other out of your bedroom.
• Never miss an opportunity to praise your spouse, especially in front of others. It reminds you why you married them in the first place and is an incentive to them to make you happy.
• Actually have a date. Hire a babysitter or ask grandma to babysit and go somewhere alone. It can be a dinner and a movie date, but there are other options--go for a hike or a bike ride, go visit friends, have friends over (and grandma has the baby at her house), go see a local tourist site that you have not seen, and so forth.
• Sometimes, after the baby is in bed, turn off the TV and computer. Light candles and be creative with sex.
• Play with each other (sorry, we covered sex in the bullet point above.) Play games, tickle each other, chase each other down the street, and so forth. Kids can be involved in this as family time. Never lose the ability to play and have fun.
• Always be respectful of each other. Never be mean to each other. Keep in mind what made you fall in love in the first place. Hang on to those qualities.