Will your kids survive the difficulties of life?
If you are like me, you looked at your newborn and promised never to let anything ever hurt him or her. As my children grew older, I realized that was something over which I had no control. Sure, I could manage some things--giving them a safe place to live, nutritious food for health, teaching them not to run out in front of cars, and so forth.
But children will get hurt. They will experience pain for which our kisses cannot be used to heal the boo-boo. They will have accidents. They will have broken hearts. They will become disillusioned about something or someone. And the list goes on and on.
So what is a loving parent to do? Our role is to prepare our kids for those times. We must show by example and by words how to survive the tough times that life throws at us. For instance, if you have bad news, what do you do? If you go to bed for days and withdraw from everyone, you are teaching that sometimes it is impossible to cope with situations. However, if you grieve, but continue to go to work and make dinner for your family, then you are teaching your child that they can be stronger than the pain.
I am reading a very insightful book, The Survivors Club by Ben Sherwood (awesome book, by the way). In one chapter, a woman named Yehuda, whose friends had family members that survived the Holocaust, decided to study the differences between Holocaust survivors and the PTSD she was seeing in Viet Nam Vets. She states that trauma will happen and that our children need to be prepared for it. Her example is that her daughter, in the aftermath of 9-11, sometimes fears the future. Yehuda says, "I'm always temped to reassure her that harm will not come her way. But then I think of all the Holocaust survivors and I cannot promise this. Instead I reassure her that she will have the strength and resourcefulness to cope with whatever challenges her." Then they develop emergency plans and practice them.
What I love about this is that it is not useless platitudes. Instead, she sees the reality of life and is trying to help her child develop coping strategies so when sadness or tragedy do come to her, she will be able to do more than just survive--she will be able to thrive.
I know that is what I want for my children and grandchildren. As I am fond of saying, we are not supposed to be raising kids. We are raising the next generation of adults and we must prepare instead of coddle, guide instead of protect, and encourage instead of cocoon. It's devastating to watch our kids in physical or emotional pain. But, trust me, one day when your baby is going through an unbelievably difficult time and doing it with grace and hope, you will know that my words and Yehuda's words are more true than you would ever want them to be.
