Don't Protect Your Children--Teach Them to Survive

Will your kids survive the difficulties of life?

If you are like me, you looked at your newborn and promised never to let anything ever hurt him or her. As my children grew older, I realized that was something over which I had no control. Sure, I could manage some things--giving them a safe place to live, nutritious food for health, teaching them not to run out in front of cars, and so forth.

But children will get hurt. They will experience pain for which our kisses cannot be used to heal the boo-boo. They will have accidents. They will have broken hearts. They will become disillusioned about something or someone. And the list goes on and on.

So what is a loving parent to do? Our role is to prepare our kids for those times. We must show by example and by words how to survive the tough times that life throws at us. For instance, if you have bad news, what do you do? If you go to bed for days and withdraw from everyone, you are teaching that sometimes it is impossible to cope with situations. However, if you grieve, but continue to go to work and make dinner for your family, then you are teaching your child that they can be stronger than the pain.

I am reading a very insightful book, The Survivors Club by Ben Sherwood (awesome book, by the way). In one chapter, a woman named Yehuda, whose friends had family members that survived the Holocaust, decided to study the differences between Holocaust survivors and the PTSD she was seeing in Viet Nam Vets. She states that trauma will happen and that our children need to be prepared for it. Her example is that her daughter, in the aftermath of 9-11, sometimes fears the future. Yehuda says, "I'm always temped to reassure her that harm will not come her way. But then I think of all the Holocaust survivors and I cannot promise this. Instead I reassure her that she will have the strength and resourcefulness to cope with whatever challenges her." Then they develop emergency plans and practice them.

What I love about this is that it is not useless platitudes. Instead, she sees the reality of life and is trying to help her child develop coping strategies so when sadness or tragedy do come to her, she will be able to do more than just survive--she will be able to thrive.

I know that is what I want for my children and grandchildren. As I am fond of saying, we are not supposed to be raising kids. We are raising the next generation of adults and we must prepare instead of coddle, guide instead of protect, and encourage instead of cocoon. It's devastating to watch our kids in physical or emotional pain. But, trust me, one day when your baby is going through an unbelievably difficult time and doing it with grace and hope, you will know that my words and Yehuda's words are more true than you would ever want them to be.

Courtesy and Respect--Teach it!

Courtesy and Respect---Teach It!Note from Pat: I received this article the other day and thought it gave some good pointers on teaching kids about respect. Hope you like it!

The author is Gary M. Unruh, MSW LCSW, a child and family mental health counselor with nearly forty years of experience. He is the author of the award-winning book Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Joyful and Self-Confident Kids (www.unleashingparentallove.com).

Make sure you read to the bottom--there is a video at the end you will want to see...

Teaching Respect

for oneself and others

by Gary M. Unruh, MSW, LCSW

Raising a respectful child is one of the three Rs (responsibility, respect, and resiliency) that are part of a parent's job description.If we hear a three-year-old say, "No, my do it. Get away!" that is pretty normal. But it is disrespectful for a thirteen-year-old to say, "I don't have to do that if I don't want to."

Helping your child move from one level to another takes focus and constant vigilance. A child can also disrespect herself. That is what is happening when you hear "I'm so stupid" or "Nobody wants to eat lunch with me at school; I guess I'll just have to eat by myself."

Respect (for oneself and others) is a learned behavior, and the learning curve is full of roadblocks. The three most common obstacles to respect are:

1. Looking out for oneself first and ignoring another person's needs.

2. Encouraging a child's independence and at the same time helping them understand the importance of looking out for another person's needs.

3. Experiencing mistakes too harshly and creating disrespect for themselves.

Here are some ways to deal with each of these.Looking out for oneself first. If you don't think this is a human tendency, spend an hour with a toddler. If children don't progress past this attitude, respect for others will not develop.

But don't skip validating your child's needs and feelings as you teach respect for others. Telling your child he should be disappointed or mad when a teacher has been mean is essential. After that, the second step works better: teaching your child how to deal respectfully with his teacher.

When your thirteen-year-old argues, take the time to hear her point, support parts or all of what she says, and sometimes change your mind--in favor of what your child says. Most parents skip step one (supporting a child's feelings) and go directly to step two: teaching respectful behavior. Don't make that mistake.

Balancing independence with looking out for other people's needs.

Alex yells at the principal, saying it's not fair that he got an after-school suspension when his friends did the same thing and got off scot-free. That's independent thinking, but the comments and his espressions were disrespectful. Alex's parents have done a good job helping Alex know and respect his needs, but his delivery needs some work. Learning to balance independence and respect for others is a tough skill to teach, but it can be done with enough practice.

Handling mistakes too harshly.

As a teenager, Erin spends too much time doing perfect homework and sometimes does not try activities because she believes she won't be able to do them perfectly. Four-year-old Taylor has a temper tantrum every time he can't find a puzzle piece or can't get a Lego piece to fit right. These children have learned that mistakes make them feel bad about themselves, rather than using mistakes to learn and improve.

Parents need to decrease this excessive internal harshness by focusing on and supporting the child's feelings that are causing the problem. Let's say Erin tells her parents she doesn't want to disappoint them by getting Bs or Cs. Now the parents know the source of the pressure and can reduce the grade expectation. Don't expect this internal harshness to go away overnight, however. It'll take awhile to see the results of the approach of addressing feelings first and correcting behavior second.

Here's the take-home lesson: When you establish your child's self-respect, teaching respect for others will be a lot easier.

Parenting and interacting with a respectful child is a pleasure for everyone.

High School Doesn't Last Forever

In the last year, I have learned a new lesson. Yes, even old horses can gradually be taught to learn!

In March of my junior year in high school, my family moved. As you can imagine, it was traumatic to me. Luckily, the place we moved to was terrific and the kids at the school were very nice to me. However, I only had a few friends and did not get to really get to know many of the graduating class--just no time. Part of me was envious that they had so many stories about growing up with each other that I could not share and sometimes I felt like a real outsider.

Over the years, I have gone to a few reunions, but last year's (cough, cough over the number) reunion was the best. We have all reached an age where we are just glad to see each other, renew old friendships, make new ones, and mourn our losses. With the fun we had that night, along with email and Facebook, many of us have been staying in touch. I know many of these people for the first time and they are wonderfully exciting, caring, and fun people.

In the photo above is Larry "Pepper" Smith. Larry and his wife, Christine Cordone, now live in Key West, FL and are entertainers (singers, songwriters, entertainers, music producers) at the Pier House Resort. Larry is a case in point--we did not run in the same circles--he was popular; I was a newcomer. He was in band; I was busy with my church. And so forth. Needless to say, we knew who each other was and I had always heard that he was a terrific musician, but cannot say I ever heard him play or sing by himself.

At last year's reunion he invited all of us to come hear them if we were in Key West. So this month, my husband and I took him up on his offer. We were so pleasantly surprised at the reception we received, as well as the quality of the entertainment. When Monty and I walked into the lounge where Larry was seated at the piano, he made a big deal to the audience about how we graduated from high school together and played a special song for Monty and I since our anniversary was the next day. You would have thought we had been close friends instead of passing acquaintances.

We were also invited into his "inner circle" of friends who were singing with him that night. They were also warm and welcoming. Larry has become a wonderful musician! He plays a few instruments, has a terrific singing voice, and writes some great songs which you can find at http://www.keywestislandnight.com. Turns out the rumors in high school about him were true--he is very talented. If you are in Key West, check out one of his shows--I promise you will want to hear more.

The lesson is for our kids is that high school doesn't last forever. It is a difficult time with new responsibilities, new hormones, new expectations, more hormones, lack of maturity, and did I mention hormones? Teach them that

• life moves on and people grow, change, and mature;
• the next place you go--another town, college, military, and so on--do not know that you were Homecoming queen or that you were the pimpled faced kid with low self esteem that always sat by himself;
• eventually you are all on the same plane;
• they can make anything of their lives that they want no matter where they started;
• people change over the course of their lives and someone who was a best pal may no longer fit, whereas a person you didn't like in high school could become a new best friend so don't slam any doors;
• many kids who could not get dates in high school become popular and famous (or infamous) later in life.

Things for parents to consider:

• Be your child's cheerleader.
• If you need to move for work, don't be afraid to do it. My parents certainly had to listen to a lot of crying and yelling when I got the news, but it turned out fine.
• Kids are very resilient--they can adjust to quite a bit. Sometimes we don't give them enough credit.
• Find stories like this one to share with your kids if they are having emotional distress with adolescence.
• Get them involved in something like music, sports, scouting, or whatever interests them and keep encouraging them. Chemicals from a physician is not the answer.

I was glad high school was not forever, but it is fun to go back sometimes and peek back behind that curtain one more time.

Since I mentioned Larry, I thought I would leave you with a song of his and some photos of mine.

Live Like You Are Dying

A few weeks ago, my husband and I went on a wonderful trip to Key West and one of the hightlights of the trip was taking a sea plane out to and exploring Dry Tortugas National Park. During the flight, a tape was playing that alternately played music or pointed out landmarks or interesting sites we were passing over. One of the songs was "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. Everytime I hear this impactful song, I reassess how I am living my life. Little did I know it, but in less than an hour this song was going to come to life for me.

On the trip Monty and I were given the gift of meeting Lisa, who is 12 years younger than I, and who was traveling by herself. She was great company and we really enjoyed talking to her. Upon hearing that she was a retired special education teacher, I already knew she was extraordinary. It takes a wonderful spirit to devote yourself to disabled children.

As the three of us wandered around the fort and looked at the fish in the pristine water, she told us that she was working out her "bucket list." I was very honored when she shared this private information with us and it made our time together more valuable. As I watched her throughout the day, I was inspired by her attitude and actions. She would sit on the beach and spend several minutes looking at each of the shells in the small collection she had in her hand or stare out at the ocean and comment on how beautiful it was. Then she would speak to us, quick with a smile and a laugh and a great sense of humor. And I marvelled at her.

So what is Lisa doing with the rest of her life? She is currently planning a trip around the world to see all the places she has dreamed of visiting. And she is doing it by herself. Fortunately, but not surprisingly, she has friends who plan to meet her in different countries so she will not always be alone in her journey.

Her affect on me has been enormous and I am not sure why, but I know it has to do with her humor, courage, kindness, and her acceptance of the limitations of this life. It is a surety she did not arrive at this place of peace overnight, but she has. She is in my thoughts and prayers every day. It is very rare for me to be overly impressed by any human being--we are all so flawed that I find it difficult to put anyone up on a pedestal. I have not done that with her, but in the few hours we were with her, she zoomed into the list of the top 5 people I respect and admire most. She is an inspiration for all of us.

Maybe her impact is because as a cardiac nurse I met so many people who put off doing things or going places that they really desired. Then their life or that of their spouse came to an early end and now their dreams would never be realized. After all that, I was now privileged to meet someone who is actually getting the chance to live those dreams.

As parents, this is a great lesson for us and for our children. When you get the chance to clean house or play tag--play tag. If you have to make a choice about working late or going to the ballgame--go to the ballgame. In the Tim McGraw song, a line goes "Someday I hope you get the chance to live life like you were dyin'." But I think that is a decision we make everyday, in every choice we make.

We don't know how many moments we are given in this life. So don't waste any of the precious ones!

Hostels--What You Need to Know

Recently I met a man who runs two hostels in Flagstaff AZ and realized I knew nothing about them. Are they a viable alternative for lodging when traveling? Are they safe? What exactly is a hostel? Where are they located?

John McCulloch of Grand Canyon International Hostel answered my questions and then graciously agreed to tape a segment for Parents Rule! video blog to answer questions you might have. That tape is found at the bottom of this blog or at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYyONXrmOZE (As you will see in the video, he is also a very talented musician.)

Turns out that hostels are a quite interesting alternative for traveling on a steep budget. Elder hostels are even available for those of us who are graying. So now there is no good excuse not to travel and see places you have always wanted to visit. Get out there and have fun!

9-11 Tribute: Where Were You?

On September 11, 2001, I came home from an early morning meeting and my son yelled to me to watch the TV--that a plane had flown into one of the World Trade Center buildings. As we sat on his bed and watched together, it was through a haze of disbelief that I began to realize that our country was being attacked.

I remember hugging him and telling him that this was a moment we would always remember because the world as we knew it had just changed. How right I was. But I was safe at home in Suwanee, GA. My husband was working in Canada, but I knew he was not flying that day. As far as I knew, everyone I loved was safe for now.

Unfortunately, there were 3000 American citizens who were not. They were overcome by smoke in their offices. They were disintegrated immediately when the planes flew into their buildings. They jumped to their deaths preferring a sudden impact demise to a firey one. They were on hijacked planes and did not know what was going to happen. They tried to take back a plane headed to Washington DC and crashed in PA to save more innocent lives. They perished in valiants efforts to rescue and protect.

So many stories. So many souls that survived, but were forever changed. So many left to mourn and wonder about how this could happen. In my YouTube video blog this week I am featuring the story of a woman who is a survivor of the Twin Towers on 9-11. Her children were among those walking the streets of NYC with a photo of her, not knowing whether she was alive or dead.

For the ten years since 9-11 we have been healing, but the memory is just as fresh today as it was then. I pray we never forget that day and do all we can to prevent anything like that from happening again.

So let's fly our flag and hold our heads up high. We were not beaten. We were bruised and battered and paid a heavy toll on that Sept 11 morning. But we were not destoyed. We still stand tall and proud. Our landscape may have changed but our spirits never did, never will.

We are Americans, citizens of the greatest nation that was ever created. We will never forget, but we will not let it keep us from moving forward.

God Bless America!

5 Back-to-School Homework Tips Every Parent Must Have

I was trying to decide on a blog topic and saw a newsletter in my email box. In the newsletter was this article that I really like--informative and timely. It is re-printed with permission and I hope it is helpful to you--Pat

5 Back-to-School Homework Tips Every Parent Must Have

by Ann K. Dolin, M.Ed.

The ritual of back to school time is here once again. Some parents can't wait to get their kids out the door, while others don't want those lazy summer days to end. Regardless of how parents feel about a transition to a new school year, they all have one thing in common — a universal desire to see their children succeed. Read on to find out how you can make this school year the best ever.

• Establish a Start Time

So much of success in school depends on how well kids perform after the school bell rings. That's right: homework. If you're the parent of a child with the "I'll do it later" syndrome, setting a time in which homework starts is key. There are essentially five times to start homework: right after school, after a 30 minute break, before dinner, after dinner, and right before bedtime. The latter two options are not nearly as productive as the first three, but determining when your child should start homework depends on age.

Elementary students often need down time after school or when they return from their extra-curricular activities; about 30 minutes is usually sufficient. This is when homework should start. Although each day might be different due to sports, lessons and other activities, the routine of starting 30 minutes after returning should not change.

It's much harder to dictate an exact starting time to an adolescent. For older students, consider having the family policy that homework starts before dinner. This step in itself will greatly reduce late night stress when homework still isn't complete.

• Allow a Variety of Homework Spaces

Throw away the old idea that homework needs to be done in the same place each day. New research finds that it's far more productive to vary the location. One day homework might be done in the dining room, another day the home office area, etc. Keep in mind that regardless of where homework is completed, some kids function better when they can lie on the floor, sit on the sofa, or even pace the room while studying for a test.

In addition, the traditional notion that people need complete silence and a sterile environment in order to concentrate has recently come under fire. Various studies have shown that distractible students can actually attend better when they are given something to hold or touch. If you find that your child tends to fidget by touching objects around her, tapping her feet, or rocking in her chair, it's likely that she's craving sensory input.

Many children need this type of stimulation, especially when tasks are tedious or boring. Consider allowing your child to hold a stress ball or another fidget toy such as the Tangle Jr.

• Create a Clean Sweep

Organization is a major component of school success. In the beginning of the year nearly every student starts off being organized, but has a hard time maintaining this initial effort. You can help your child by establishing a 20 minute pre-arranged weekly maintenance session called the "Clean Sweep." During this time, your child will be responsible for organizing anything related to school, which includes cleaning out binders, folders, and backpack. Program this time into your smart phone and have your children do the same if they own a cell phone. Many families find that Sunday evening is an ideal time to prepare for the week ahead.

• Know How Much to Help

Knowing how much to help your child with schoolwork is perhaps the most important part of school success. With young children (K-3) there's more hand-holding. As students age the rule of thumb is to get them started, watch them do the first few problems to be sure they understand the material, then walk away. Sitting with your child while he does homework is not productive, and sends the message that he is incapable of doing the assignment. Remember, a parent's pen should never touch the paper. This is the child's homework. On the other hand, knowing when to provide support is equally as important. When you see your child struggling, by all means, intervene. Work with him until he's able to understand the content and then let him work on his own. When it comes to schoolwork, independence is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.

• Stay the Course

In the beginning of the year, every parent starts out gung-ho, but then the daily check-ins on homework fade as the stress of fall sets in. If you have a fairly responsible child, this is generally just fine. It's likely you'll need to check in from time to time, but if you find your child is doing well without your help, don't intervene. If you have a roller coaster type of kid who starts out strong, fades without parental support and then kicks it into gear when you get involved once again, be careful not to follow that same pattern again this year. Continue to monitor homework completion regularly and step back ever so slightly, but not completely, after the first quarter.

Finally, remember that praise is a powerful tool, especially when it comes to homework. Research shows that by simply praising effort rather than intelligence, kids will develop greater motivation to keep trying, even when the going gets tough.

****************************************************

Ann K. Dolin, M.Ed., is the founder and president of Educational Connections, Inc., a tutoring, test prep, and consulting company in Fairfax, VA and Bethesda, MD. In her new book, Homework Made Simple: Tips, Tools and Solutions for Stress-Free Homework, Dolin offers proven solutions to help the six key types of students who struggle with homework. Numerous examples and easy-to-implement, fun tips will help make homework less of a chore for the whole family. Learn more at anndolin.com or ectutoring.com.

Timely Tips for Grandparents

I occasionally have guest bloggers, as you know. I really liked this piece by Chloe Jon Paul and thought it would be useful for you all. Pat

Timely Tips for Grandparents

New census data reveals that 4.9 million children under the age of 18 live where grandparents are head of the household. If you are one of those grandparents, you may want to consider these tips as part of your action plan.

Communication
When a child/teenager misbehaves, try saying: “ I’m not angry – a bit disappointed, maybe because your behavior right now just isn’t matching the good person inside you. I know that good person exists and I want to see him (her) come out again.”
At the dinner table, ask: “What was the best part of your day?” You might also want to ask: “if there was one thing you could change about today, what would it be?”
If you receive a call from a teacher or school administrator about the student’s misbehavior in the classroom, respond with: “I’d like to be part of the solution and not the problem. Tell me what you need so we may discuss this further.”

Co-operation
Schedule a periodic family conference to review ground rules. You may even want to design a rating scale to show how well or poorly they are being followed. If the rating is low, ask the child what would need to be done to improve the rating.
You can turn clean-up time and homework into a game by playing Beat the Clock. Set the kitchen timer for one hour and if the child completes the task fully and successfully before the timer goes off, offer a small reward. My kids earned their TV time this way.

Creative Problem Solving
When a child makes a mistake, the best thing you can say is” “That was a perfect mistake for learning something new! Now, tell me what you would do differently the next time you find yourself in this situation.”
Role-play can also be a way to help a child solve a troubling problem. Switch roles with the child and act out a problem and see what happens!

As a grandparent raising grandchildren, you should be able to find support groups in your local area or on the Internet. In the meantime, you can try these tips – and you’ll be glad you did! The key to success here is consistency and practicing positive discipline.

Children need to be led gently but firmly in approaching the challenges they will face in life. You can be instrumental in this and it will be your legacy.

**********************

Chloe Jon Paul, M.Ed., is a retired educator and writer of several published articles and a previous book entitled "What Happens Next: A Family Guide to Nursing Home Visits"

Since age 55 among her many accomplishments are the following:

• Fulbright Fellowship Seminars Abroad award to South Africa
• Ms. Maryland Senior America
• Volunteer internship during 2005 Maryland legislative session
• State representative for Alternatives to Violence Project
• Advisory board member: MD Healthcare Commission and Interagency Commission for Aging Services

Byte-Sized Parents Rule!

For several months I have wrestled with the idea of bringing back Parents Rule! radio show but was not sure what format to use. Radio was great fun and I miss it. But I began to think that it was hard for you all to find the time in your busy schedules to listen to an hour long radio show.

Voila! Why not bring Parents Rule! to You Tube? http://www.youtube.com/parentsrule1 That is more easily used by young parents who are constantly on the go. You Tube is on your iPads, laptops, iPods and smart phones. So now we are more readliy available and in small doses. Each segment on You Tube is going to be 5-20 minutes. I am aiming for an average of 10 minutes. You will still get all the advice, information, and encouragement that you loved from the radio show--just in shorter segments that fit into your schedule better.

And I get to make eye contact with you. I really like that part of the Parents Rule! video blog--feels like I can connect with you better. There will be times when I am speaking about a topic I feel strongly about and times when I have guest interviews--just like on the radio.

Today is my kick off, so tune in and let me know what you think. "Like" the videos that mean something to you. Feel free to comment whether you agree or disagree.

Join me--we are going to have fun with this http://www.youtube.com/parentsrule1

If We Take Obese Kids Out of Homes, Who is Next?

It is all over the news today. A couple of doctors at Harvard want the government to remove obese children from their homes, place them on foster care, and treat the obesity. Let me think, didn't I hear something else about Harvard researchers recently? Oh, yes, they think that only Republicans enjoy celebrating the founding of our country. But I digress.

So what do I think? Obviously childhood obesity is a serious issue. Seventeen percent of kids are obese; three times the rate of obesity thirty years ago. More kids are being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol than ever before. So yes, something must be done about this pending healthcare crisis.

Do I think it is a form of child abuse? Yes, but these parents don't realize that. In the majority of cases, you will find that they are raising their kids the same way they were raised. Are we not all guilty of that to some extent?

Is removing them from their homes a good idea? Absolutely not--and for many reasons:

• First of all, none of the articles I read this morning discussed the psychological effects this would have on the child. Now I am not a psychologist, but I am sure that many of these overwieght kids have some issues already--depression, low self esteem, and more. How does taking them away from the family unit, who they depend on and love, benefit them in that manner? What a traumatic event for that child.
• Putting them in foster homes is suggested as a solution. I know there are many wonderful foster parents out there, but I have heard so many horror stories of physical, mental, and sexual abuse that I have to question the wisdom of that move. So you move a depressed overweight, but loved child into a home in which they are put on a forced diet and possibly sexually abused--for their welfare? Hmmm.
• Do we have that many foster homes out there? The last I heard, the demand for foster homes was much greater than the supply already.
• What about the expense of adding that many more people that the government has to pay to care for?
• Another important reason to not resort to this forced removal from homes is: What is next? With Obamacare leading us down the path to socialized medicine, we better take a long look at the future. If we let the government start deciding who is a fit parent and who is not, where does that slippery slope lead? Trust me, don't trust the government. At some point they will be coming for your kids and putting them in re-training camps--for their weight, their level of exercise, their grades, the fact that they got caught smoking a cigarette, the fact that they drink sodas and eat chips and so forth. Am I paranoid? Perhaps, but remember, with socialized medicine you must control the actions of the public in order to afford the cost. So if kids can be, for want of a better term brainwashed, into good health practices, isn't that for the greater good? In my mind it is better not to peek into that Pandora's box.

So what can be done? There are many different ways to attack the problem:

• Remove all vending machines from schools. We didn't have them when I went to school and we survived just fine.
• Remove so many choices from school lunches and give them one entree, two vegetables, a desert (that could be fruit), and milk or water to drink. Give them healthy foods instead of so many choices and wasted food at the end of the day.
• Reinstate physical education in schools so that kids have it every day K through 12.
• Government money could be spent helping dieticians and physicians provide low or no cost dietary classes for families with identified obesity issues. If the whole family attends and learns, then they may be able to make the changes necessary for their health.
• Health educational classes for families of obesity to help them understand the consequences their child will face due to the obesity.
• Encourage more towns to have community gardens for families so they could grow their own healthy foods. The garden plots could be leased on a pro-rated sliding scale based on income.
• Free classes on gardening for those who would be interested in growing their own foods. Many poor people cannot afford organic foods, but might grow their own.

I could keep going; there are so many potential solutions. Bottomline is that you can only help people who want help. But there should be services that can help those that truly want it.

Dr. David Orentlicher, co-director of Hall Center for Law and Health at Indiana University of School Law said in an interview with ABC news, "Sometimes it is easier to take a child out of the home than take the time and resources to provide the right solution to the problem." I am saying that we need to get this right--for the kids, the families, our economy, and our future as a free nation.

Stop The Fighting at Kid's Ballgames Right Now!

I just saw an article on the internet about a fight at a ballgame in which 12 yr. olds were playing. Here is the link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43715655/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/?GT1=43001

This type of thing absolutely drives me crazy. What are these people thinking? Attacking each other over an umpire's call? Really? Umpires are just people who love kids, are out there to have fun and make a few extra bucks. They do not have the benefit of instant replay. They are not perfect.

If the two boys got in a fight over the call, then the parents failed to teach them sportsmanship many years ago when they first started playing baseball. And they exacerbated that failure by joining in the fight. What a sad day in the lives of those kids and parents!

I definitely have a competitive streak in me. And I have complained about a call loudly enough for the umpire to have no doubt where I stood. But I stayed in my seat, let it pass, and moved on to the next thing happening on the field.

Let's teach our kids that no one is perfect--not the umpires, not them, not us. Teach them that they will get as many calls their way as against them over the course of a season. Teach them that winning is a good thing, but being a gracious loser is where true character is born. By loser, I mean losing a game, a call, or anything else that in the grand scheme of life doesn't mean much.

Of course, I believe in competing to the best of one's ability. I completely disagree with not keeping score in sports. But one of the things our kids need to learn in sports is not only to try to be the best they can be, but that sometimes, someone else is better or luckier. That is just the way it goes. The test of their character is how they handle both winning and losing.

I want parents to stop this nonsense of fighting at their kids' games right now. Please. For the sake of your children--think about what you are teaching them.

Harvard's 4th of July Study Unncessarily Divisive

Last week, Harvard released a study that made me scratch my head and think about the results. "Fourth of July celebrations in the United States shape the nation's political landscape by forming beliefs and increasing participation, primarily in favor of the Republican Party," said the report from Harvard, according to a report published by US News and World Report.

What in the world? This country is great because we have diversity of people and diversity of opinion. While I personally believe that there are some vocal people out there who do not have the best interest of the US at heart (instead, they have their own best interest--and it occurs in all political parties), the vast majority of us love our homeland. We just have very different views on what is the best course of action and differences in interpretation of our founding documents. Those differences in ideas are where the fresh ideas come from--from discussion and compromise.

As far as this study, who was studied? How were the questions developed? I can create a questionaire to make the Pope sound like he doesn't believe in God if I want. So, was there an ulterior motive to this study at this place and time? In a time when we have so much division in our country, do we need anything else to further divide us?

I don't believe so. I think this holiday, more than any other we celebrate should be a unifying experience as people all over the country remember the struggle to create a land of liberty, the likes of which had never before been seen. We can appreciate the fact that we are having picnics and watching fireworks united in our love for the opportunities we have. We are grateful that it is our choice to be there--we are not forced to participate or persecuted because we do by an oppresive government.

So what does this have to do with parenting? As I have been saying for a while now, parents need to take the lead in teaching your children about this country's blessings. Get out and celebrate this weekend, enjoy each other, and spend a little time explaining to your kids about why it is good to have respectful dialouge with others who may not agree with all of your own beliefs. Teach your kids that is one of the distinct benefits of living in a free country; it is how every person can be represented.

Happy Birthday, USA! Long may you live!

The Business of Children

To my readers: This week I have a guest blog interview who had written a fictional novel. However, it is based on factual events from her experiences as a teacher. Her name is Chloe Jon Paul and the book is " The Business of Children." As always, the opinions shared by the guest blogger are her own and not necessarily shared by me. Having said that, she does make some excellent points that parents can benefit from!

Questions:
1. What is the #1 issue facing schools today?
The #1 issue, I feel, is all the bureaucratic nonsense that nail teachers to the wall – not allowing them to be creative. The pressure put on teachers to “teach to the test” is what caused me to take an early retirement. In conjunction with that is the lack of administrative support when there is a problem with a student. Lack of teacher respect, bullying, and other issues compound the problem.

2. What can be done to resolve that issue?
I strongly believe that teachers have to continue their fight with teacher union activism, sending a clear message that they deserve better.

3. Should kids that need extra help be mainstreamed into regular classrooms?
No, I think it does more harm than good. While they are out of their regular class, they are missing the kind of instruction they really need. When they enter the regular classroom, everyone knows why they are there. I believe that regular classroom teachers can collaborate with special needs teachers to combine classes on a regular basis for some special instruction. I used to do this all the time and worked marvelously well.

4. How does that affect a. their learning in the classroom and b. the learning of other kids in the classroom?
I don’t think that much real learning does take place. Behavior problems do disrupt other kids and resentment on their part builds up.

5. There are a lot people who feel it is now better to put kids into private schools, what is your opinion? Can public schools still do the job well?
If one can afford to place one’s child in private school, then – yes, it would be better. Home schooling has increased significantly in the last few years. My own daughter home-schooled both her boys. Now, at age 14 and 16, they are both in college.
In the city where I live, home schooling is very big because the public school system here leaves much to be desired.

6. If parents could do one thing to help their kids succeed in school, what would that be?
Ah! If only people would heed my words! They must be willing to do what I did when my 2 children were growing up.

So, in a nutshell, here it is:
-One TV, record player, telephone in the house – nothing ever in their rooms!
-Dinner together every night with conversation about their day.
-Earning TV time by signing up for chores. Eventually, I allowed them to trade their TV time credits into cash.
-Making sure that they read quality books and show interest in the world around them by engaging in some kind of volunteer work.
*** I must have done something right because both my children are successful adults. They both have Master’s degrees and do interesting work in their respective fields.

7. Based on your experience, what is the a. most negative change you have seen in schools and b. the most positive change you have seen over the years?
The most negative change, as far as I’m concerned, is the emphasis put on assessment tests. Frankly, I can’t say that I’ve seen positive change.

8. How are the rookie teachers today different that when you began your career?
I think rookie teachers are savvier and they have the ability to network with other teachers worldwide through the many groups on the Internet – something we didn’t have years ago. They have instant access to oodles of information that took hours to research years ago.

9. Why did you write this book?
I wrote the book back in the early 90’s when I took a leave of absence from my teaching position. I wrote it because I felt it would be therapeutic for me to record some of my experiences but I didn’t want it to be a memoir. I had just finished a very bad year at the school where I was assigned and I seriously considered quitting altogether. Fortunately, I decided on a leave of absence without pay and went to stay with a dear friend in Maine where I had done the best teaching of my entire career. I actually trashed the book after I finished writing it, figuring that it had helped relieve some of the tension. My friend, however, retrieved it saying, “You are NOT throwing this away!” So I shelved it and went on to other writing projects which resulted in 2 other published works – non-fiction: What Happens Next? A Family Guide to Nursing Home Visits…and More

Entering the Age of Elegance: A Rite of Passage & Practical Guide for the Modern Maturing Woman

10. Why did you choose to write it in fiction?
I had always wanted to write fiction and I figured that the experiences I had had through the years, especially as a union activist, could lend credibility to the story. The characters are not real people that I ever knew or worked with although some of their characteristics could be considered a composite of several different people I encountered in my 35 years of teaching. Some people have asked if I’m Vera or Deidre and I must admit that there is probably a little of me in both of them. JJ
When writing fiction, an author must really get inside that character’s skin – think, talk, and act like they would. This is especially challenging when the character is male and you’re a female author. Some of the language at times may be a bit coarse. I don’t use that kind of language personally but I know that some friends will read the book and exclaim,” Chloe wrote that?!?
Most people aren’t going to sit down to read a heavy document explaining the ills of education but a novel that portrays those very ills can be a real eye-opener!

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About the Author:
Chloe Jon Paul, M.Ed., is a retired educator and writer of several published articles and a previous book entitled "What Happens Next: A Family Guide to Nursing Home Visits" and More... State representative for the National Family Caregivers Association's caregiver community action network 2006-2008; Advisory board member: MD, Healthcare Commission and the Interagency Commission for Aging Services: Maryland Dept. of Aging; Hospice and homeless shelter volunteer.

Goshen College Controversy Is Parenting Failure

Last week a firestorm erupted over the fact that a small Mennonite college, Goshen College in Indiana, decided to no longer play the National Anthem at sports events. At first I was outraged. Then I backed off and thought about the fact that they have every right to make that decision. Now after mulling it over for a few days, I have something to say about it today, on Flag Day.

After doing research, I discovered the following facts:

• Mennonites believe in peace and the fact sheet on the college states "...playing the national anthem has not been among Goshen College's practices because of our Christ-centered core value of compassionate peacemaking seeming to be in conflict with the anthem's militaristic language."
• Also some members of the religion, although this is not an official church position, say that to sing a hymn of allegience like that is to display more loyalty to country than to God.
• Historically they did not ever play the anthem until 2010 when they chose to lift the 116 year old ban on playing the anthem. They agreed to allow an instrumental version of the song to be played.
• Mennonites historically came to this country seeking religious freedom from the persecution that they received in their homelands.

So what are we looking at here? Their ancestors came to this country seeking a chance to practice their religion in peace. Finding that freedom in the new country, they were content to let others fight for their right to maintain that freedom against enemies that would deny freedoms to all of us. Okay, I get that. The Amish, Quakers, and others are peaceloving people who refuse to take up arms. I can respect that.

What troubles me is the lack of gratitude on the part of this college for the country that provides their ability to practice their religion without interference. This is the same country whose brave men and women died on battlefields, mothers wept at the loss of a child, fathers saw their lineage end as their sons died, children lost parents, and the world lost many brilliant future leaders so we all could remain free. This is the same country that has been a refuge for the oppressed for more than 200 years.

In my heart, I love God, family, and country. But sometimes that order gets all blurred together--days like Dec 7, 1941 and Sept 11, 2001. So while I understand their priorities, I am saddened by the fact that they feel no sense of loyalty to the country that has paid the price of their freedom in blood.

Parents of Goshen, wake up! I don't care what your church leaders say--this is the United States of America. She has stood for your freedom and protected it since your people first stepped foot on her beautiful shores. She deserves some measure of your appreciation and loyalty. It is time to teach your children about the greatness of our land and our history. Yes, it is run by flawed individuals who make mistakes. However, we can change that at the ballot box. Bottomline, is that we have lived with our freedoms intact for a long time now--less than 10% of the people in the history of this planet can boast of living with the freedoms we cherish. Teach that to your kids.

If the first verse of the national anthem is offensive to you, perhaps the last verse will be more acceptable:

O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war’s desolation.
Blest with vict’ry and peace, may the Heav’n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: “In God is our trust;”
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Yes, I defend your right to live as you choose, but I am saddened and somewhat angry that you at Goshen College have no appreciation for why you can live as you choose.

Give the Botox to Barbie!

On Good Morning America there was story about a mom who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for an upcoming beauty pagent in which the girl was a participant. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/botox-girl-mother-13611500

I am alternately saddened and enraged by this story. This poor little girl is being taught that looks are everything in life--that it doesn't matter what pain or discomfort is involved, she must do all she can to enhance her looks. What about just being a little girl, playing with dolls and friends? Why is that not enough? We need to let kids be kids and stop marginalizing their innocence. Why must they become mini-adults while interrupting imaginative play that is so beneficial to them for the rest of their lives? Instead they are learning that pain, suffering, and rejection are worthwhile prices to pay for a few short minutes of potential glory that they will barely remember.

These moms push and prod and make their little girls grow up too fast. Why? Is it a desire to give some meaning to their own sad lives? It certainly is NOT for the child. It is all about the mom and some twisted need to prove their little girl is better than the others around her. I think it is pathetic and it angers me. I have even heard stories about little girls having their baby teeth removed and fitted with dentures until their adult teeth come in!

And this mom ordered this poisonous substance off the internet and injected it herself. How did she know for sure what she was actually getting when ordering off the internet? She could have put anything into her precious little girl. According to ABC, the mom also waxed the poor baby's legs and bikini line. "I know one day she will be a model, actress or singer, and having these treatments now will ensure she stays looking younger and baby-faced for longer," says the mom. My question is: at what price to this girl's emotional and physical well being?

The whole thing is completely disgusting and irresponsible parenting. The girl was removed from the home and the mom is being investigated. For one, I hope she never goes back into this woman's custody.

Kids need time to grow and play and learn without being pushed into a cruel adult world. If you must teach your kids about Botox, why not pretend to inject it into Barbie while teaching her that Barbie is not the real world. Tell her that real women don't look like a Barbie doll with her perfection and taking injections of poison to enhance your looks is not necessary. Teach her that she is perfect as she is.

Parents are supposed to teach their children that the inner person is what matters; that they are special and perfect just the way God made them. Parents need to help feed their little self esteems and encourage them to become responsible, caring, productive adults--not little entitled walking Barbie dolls.

Dancin' At the Salty Dog

Well, it is getting to be the start of vacation season so I thought I would mention one of our favorite destinations to you.

The little man (one of my grandsons) may not be "dancing the night away" but he sure is involved in his moves. And he is not the only one. Any time Dave Kemmerly is playing at the Salty Dog Cafe on Hilton Head Island, S.C., you can find kids dancing around him--loving the tunes he is putting out. Since the kids are there it is a certainty that you will find parents and grandparents enjoying the entertainment (both the kids and Dave), laughing, taking photos and videos.

We have been going to the Deck to hear Dave for many years now and he was even on Parents Rule radio show last year. It is a laid back place where we can lean back and relax. Forgetting our stresses for a while, we listen to the variety of old songs, new songs, and novelty songs that Dave plays mostly by request. On the radio last year he said that he probably knows 3-4,000 songs. And I believe it because he is rarely stumped when asked for specific songs by sunburned vacationers. He plays guitar and occasionally piano on the Deck, but can also find his way around the drums, upright bass, and sax. He states that coming from a musical family (dad was a drummer who once played with Johnny Cash and mom was a classically trained pianist), he and his brothers just picked up the "family" business without too much difficulty.

It all makes for a great time full of music, burgers, shrimp, ice cream stained faces, dancing and lots of laughter and smiles under the stars. There are trivia contests every night and not too many bugs early in the season.

These days we are all under much stress with economic uncertainty and conflicts world-wide. That is why it is so important to find a place to de-stress. If you make it to Hilton Head, I recommend Dave Kemmerly and the Salty Dog Deck. But if you can't get there, find your own place where your world is at peace--even if it only for a few hours. Find your own "Dave" whereever or whatever that is to you.

And if you get to listen to Dave, do yourself a favor and request that he play some songs he has written. He doesn't play them very often, but they are terrific!

Journaling by the Moonlight: A Mother’s Path to Self-Discovery

Today I have the great pleasure of being a host of the Virtual Blog Tour of author Tina M Games whose book Journaling by the Moonlight: A Mother's Path to Self-Discovery (and its accompanying deck of 54 journaling prompt cards) is celebrating its 1st birthday on Amazon on Tuesday May 3, 2011.

Author Tina M Games is certified creativity and life purpose coach. She calls herself the "Moonlight Muse" for women who want to tap into the "full moon within" and claim their authentic self, both personally and professionally. Through her signature coaching programs, based on the phases of the moon, Tina gently guides women from darkness to light as they create an authentic vision filled with purpose, passion and creative expression.

Yesterday, Tina visited Dawn Espelage at http://lifelinesjournaling.blogspot.com/ , where she answered about how this idea took shape, astrology’s role, tapping into intuition and thoughts on living an authentic life.

Today, I'd like to share with you a recent interview I had with Tina when I got to ask her some questions on importance for kids to follow their heart, journaling importance for moms, moon in our lives and Tina’s on learning lesson. I hope you enjoy it.

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Tina M Games: Thank you, Pat, for your interest in my book, Journaling by the Moonlight: A Mother's Path to Self-Discovery and its accompanying deck of 54 journaling prompt cards.

I believe that mothers are a significant part of the "ripple effect" - that will transform the world into a more loving, more nurturing place. Imagine for a moment a "pebble thrown into a pond." It creates a ripple that goes on and on and on.

When a mother is living life with complete authenticity, she's subconsciously giving permission for her kids to do the same. She's truly at her best - creating powerful change for her family, her community, and for the world at large. It's all part of "the ripple."

It's my belief that "a happy mother makes the best mother" - and our kids really do want to see their moms happy!

Pat Montgomery: Why is it important to teach our kids to follow their hearts?

Tina M Games: Wouldn't the world be a much better place if we were all following our hearts? If we could truly live life with passion and purpose, everything would have a richer and deeper meaning. It would create a ripple of positive and loving energy that could literally heal the world.

I believe that mothers are a significant part of the "ripple effect" - that will transform the world into a more loving, more nurturing place. Imagine for a moment a "pebble thrown into a pond." It creates a ripple that goes on and on and on.

When a mother is living life with complete authenticity, she's subconsciously giving permission for her kids to do the same. She's truly at her best - creating powerful change for her family, her community, and for the world at large. It's all part of "the ripple." And if our children could live life in a way that honors who they really are, it would make the ripple even bigger because they would touch lives in a positive way, too - just by living authentically.

Because moms are natural role models, our kids are observing all the time. There's a lot of truth in the saying, "Monkey see, monkey do." In other words, when a mom is modelling the value of following her heart, her kids "get it" - much more than they would if she was just saying it. Kids feel energy. They know when a person is happy and when they're not. So why not be happy - and get the ripple going!


Pat Montgomery: Why is it important for moms to journal—aren’t their days busy enough?

Tina M Games: As a busy Mom myself, I know the value of time. But I also know the value of prioritizing. Moms are at the beginning of the "ripple effect." Each and every one of us has the power to create great change in the world. And this change is most impactful, when we begin with ourselves - looking at the mirror and honoring the person who is staring back at you. This is WHO will create great change in your life. So why not honor yourself with the gift of time?

A journal writing practice can begin with only five or ten minutes a day. One of the techniques that I use with my clients is called a "five minute writing sprint." I invite my clients to close their eyes for a few seconds and ponder a question or a quote. What immediately comes to mind when they think about this question or quote? Then I ask them to open their eyes and begin to write for five full minutes. No censoring, no corrections in spelling - just writing, whatever comes to mind. Then I ask them to go back and read it, paying close attention for little nuggets of wisdom, often hidden in rambling thoughts.

If we can take 30-45 minutes to have a pedicure, we can journal write. I do it all the time. The ladies at my local nail salon know that I will come in with my journal - and I will sit and write while getting a pedicure. They honor my time and they give me the space to "be" with my thoughts while taking care of my desire to have a nice pedicure. And I can't begin to tell you how much wisdom I gain, how many answers I receive, when I slow down and give myself the gift of time.

We all are busy and we all want to get "there" (wherever "there" is) in the fastest way possible. But true wisdom and real clarity only come in the "slowing down" and in the "listening and paying attention." If we're too busy speeding ahead to the next place in life, we're going to miss an awful lot along the way.

Pat Montgomery: You based your book and your advice on the phases of the moon—what is so important about the moon in our lives?

Tina M Games: The moon brings a very feminine energy to our lives. She tugs at our emotions, moving with the ebbs and flows, and mirrors our menstrual cycles (the lunar calendar follows a 28-day cycle just as our bodies do). In astrology, the moon represents our emotional nature. It also shows the type of relationship a woman may have with her own mother as well as the type of mother she may be herself (her style, her demeanor, her strengths, her weaknesses).

My work with the moon phases came out of my own experience of connecting with the moon during a really dark period in my life. Shortly after the birth of my first child, and after making some fairly significant life changes at the same time, I fell into depression - a place that felt so foreign to me, a place where I felt like I had fallen into a black hole with no way out. It was during this time, a period that spanned over two years that I had disconnected from everything that made me happy. Because my son suffered from chronic illnesses related to serious colds and severe ear infections, I made a very difficult choice to give up a successful career in order to care for my son full-time. I hadn't realized until this experience how much of my identity was tied into my career. Without it, I felt very lost and very unhappy.

It was during this time that I fell back on a great passion of mine - journal writing. And as a mom of a baby who did not have a normal sleep schedule, I found myself exhausted and emotional much of the time. So night after night, after I'd get my son settled and after my husband went to bed, I'd grab my journal and retreat to my favorite chair - beside a big bay window where I caught a glimpse of the moon. It was the moon that taught me the meaning of transition. I'd watch this beautiful lunar goddess, night after night, move in and out of her various phases. And before long, I began to connect her phases with my own emotional tides.

I noticed that the moon always began in darkness and gradually, she'd move into full light - and cycle back around again. And I noticed the contrast between dark and light - the darkness of the night sky against the beautiful full moon light. I started connecting to this - as if I was being divinely guided through my own transitions of dark and light. I began to notice the ebbs and flows of my emotions. There were good days and bad days.

So when I came to the point of writing my book, I wanted mothers to realize that every human transition begins in darkness and gradually moves into light, where we get a glimpse of what is possible. And then we retreat, to ponder the many ways we can manifest these possibilities into reality. This requires deep work, where we step into our own truth and into our own power - and where we can emerge in the most authentic way possible. This is what I call the Blue Moon phase - when we finally realize that we are here on this Earth to be WHO we are, to put our personal thumbprint on the world in the most truthful, most authentic, most unique way possible. Each one of us are individuals being divinely guided on our own purposeful path.

Pat Montgomery: What have you learned along the way?

Tina M Games: What really changed things for me was the discovery that my life had a bigger meaning, a bigger purpose - and motherhood was only a part of it. By journal writing through my two-year depression, I began to discover the synchronicities in my life. I started exploring my life story - up until that point.

I began having rich conversations with my mother and learned about the depression that she had battled, trying to raise four kids with very little support. We discussed the importance of having a personal identity - a connection to something deeper within ourselves that was expressed fully in the outside world.

This led to other dialogues with other mothers - and I was fascinated by the similarities in our stories. While we all loved being moms, we all desired "that something else" - that something that connected all the dots, that brought all the life experiences together to create a path toward a bigger purpose.

Here in 2011, I can look back on those two years of my life where I fell in complete darkness, floundering, trying to find my way out - and I can say, it was all part of my life's journey. It's what led me to my life purpose - to empower mothers to step into their greatness. It's a ripple effect. A mother touches so many lives - and when she's down, it affects the flow of the ripple in a significant way. And when she's up, the ripples go on and on and on.

My experience with depression - that feeling of being totally disconnected to myself and the world around me - led me to the pages of my journal. It led me to asking the question, "I'm a Mom, but who am I really?" And by "being" with the truth of the reality and by listening to my intuitive wisdom, I found my voice. I found my bigger purpose in life.

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I hope you enjoyed this interview with Tina M Games and that you’ll check out her book and card deck Journaling by the Moonlight: A Mother's Path to Self-Discovery this month at http://moonlightmomscircle.com/book-launch/pages/pre-launch.html

Here's why:

FREE 3-DAY PASS
When you visit the page at the link above and request a "launch reminder", you will automatically receive a FREE pass to Tina's 3-day "I’m a Mom… But Who Am I Really? Telesummit" with 11 creative writing moms and grandmothers speaking on how to use intuition, journaling and creativity to explore life purpose. You can listen to the telesummit online in the comfort of your own home, and even ask questions during the broadcast.

This telesummit is a completely free "no purchase necessary"
gift from Tina, to celebrate the 1st birthday of her book.

FREE GIFTS
When you buy Tina's book or the card deck during its birthday celebration on Tuesday May 3, 2011, you can ALSO receive a complete library of beautiful personal development gifts from authors, speakers, coaches and other enlightened professionals from around the globe.

To claim your 3-Day Pass and read about the free gifts, go to: http://moonlightmomscircle.com/book-launch/pages/pre-launch.html

Thanks for reading! As usual, please feel free to share your comments and thoughts below. I love reading your feedback.

AND… be sure to follow Tina tomorrow when the next stop on the Virtual Blog Tour is Andrew Mondia who will be interviewing Tina on inspiration by connecting moon with journaling, personal growth and the intention for readers. To visit that "stop" on the tour, go to http://www.andyinspire.com/?p=315

A World Without Fish: How Kids Can Help Save the Oceans

Mark Kurlansky, renowned author of the award-winning bestseller Cod, has just authored a forthcoming family book called WORLD WITHOUT FISH which is a children’s book that includes — biology, economics, evolution, politics, climate, history, culture, food and nutrition — in a manner that is instantly understandable and appealing to kids. Below is the interview about his new book with questions asked from his 10-year-old daughter and fishing companion, Talia:

What Inspired you to do the book and what made you decide to make it a young adult book? I have been thinking about these issues for 45 years since my first job as a commercial fishermen. I have often written about them, especially in Cod and The Last Fish Tale. But it is an enormously complicated issue and one that needs explaining. I find that kids are particularly interested in it and in environmental issues in general. They understand that we are leaving them a mess and are not particularly happy about it. So I decided to write a book for the whole family that would give an understanding of the problem of what is and isn’t being done about it and what can be done by us as individuals and as families. I think that it is a writer’s job to work toward a more enlightened society and that begins by feeding the hungry minds of children and then helping families to find their direction. A society of enlightened families is a healthy society.

How did you decide to weave in a graphic novel and how did you decide the story and characters? I am a great believer in storytelling and in a sense all of my text is connected circles of storytelling so that a book is constructed a bit like an onion.. But a graphic novel was an opportunity for a more pure form of storytelling. It is about a father teaching his daughter as she confronts the realities of the world and the daughter than teaching her daughter. So on one level it is about you and me except that I promoted myself to distinguished marine biologist, which, of course, I am not. On another level it is about parents and children, which is what all environmental issues are about. The central issue is what kind of planet do we pass on to our children.

Do you really believe that if we work hard enough even us kids can make a difference? Kids can make an enormous difference if they proceed with gentle and respectful determination. They can teach their parents, and families are the building blocks of society. But also they are the inheritors of the world and will not only have its enormous problems but its enormous responsibilities. Technology is changing the world a at faster pace than has ever happened before and your generation by controlling and directing that change can have a greater impact than any generation in history. We could feel sorry for all the problems you are getting but also envious of the exciting opportunities. You begin this process of becoming a responsible and significant force for change as a child. It begins by learning.

What do you believe is the most effective thing that we all can do? Talk. Of course first you have to study and learn so that you know what you are talking about. Then talk with your family, with your friends and neighbors, get your parents talking with the store keepers, asking about the fish they buy and why everything has to come wrapped in plastic. Is your yellow school bus painted with chromium? Isn’t there a safer paint? Do we have to be using so much energy? Should we shut off lights, walk instead of riding. Everybody needs to be talking about these things.

What are the fish that we should eat? There are two considerations.—your health and the health of the planet. For your health you should eat low on the food chain. Fish is extremely healthy but certain pollutants such as heavy metals concentrate as they go up the food chain. So large fish are less healthy than small ones. Also you should eat fish from sustainable fisheries, fishermen who are careful to preserve the species they fish. Line caught is preferable to other kinds of net fishing although smaller fish are caught with different types of netting that may not be harmful. Alaskan salmon are well managed and delicious. California sardines are also well-managed and being fairly low on the food chain and rich in oils extremely healthy.

Is their anything that is scarily bad to buy and eat? Blue fin tuna are endangered, hard to regulate because they migrate all over the world and so high on the food chain that they are probably bad for your health. Avoid eating fish from chain restaurants and cheap frozen fish.. They need to get low priced fish and this usually leads to abusive fishing. Beware of overfishing inexpensive pacific pollack.

Do you recommend anything? Such as companies to buy from etc. There are organizations of fishermen specializing in sustainable techniques. Unfortunately many do not create brand names so they are hard to identify. Thos who do are often more expensive but they are worth it both for their good fishing practices and the high quality of their fish. Two examples are Chatham cod from Massachusetts and Copper River Salmon from Alaska.

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Mark Kurlansky is a former commercial fisherman and New York Times bestselling author of Cod: A Biography of the Fish That Changed the World, Salt: A World History, The Big Oyster: History on the Half Shell, and 16 other books. He’s won numerous awards, including the James A. Beard Award, Glenfiddich Award for food writing, ALA Notable Book Award, The New York Public Library Best Books of the Year Award, Los Angeles Times Science Writing Award, Dayton Literary Peace Prize. He has illustrated many of his books himself. Kurlansky lives with his wife and daughter in New York City and Gloucester, Massachusetts. His website is http://www.markkurlansky.com/

Talia Kurlansky is 10 years old and working her way through the fifth grade. An adept Editorial Advisor, she vetted each chapter of WORLD WITHOUT FISH, helping her dad (bestselling author Mark Kurlansky) ensure that there were no boring parts and that the book would be equally enjoyable to children and adults.

Tame the Power of Technology

Nine Top Tips to Tame the Power of Technology When It Interferes with Homework by Ann K. Dolin, M.Ed.

Technology has transformed our world, but for our kids, life without gadgets would be unimaginable. They expect to have access to these devices 24/7, but their expectations and reality are very different. Tech¬nology can be an asset to learning. It can also be a significant detractor unless parents establish clear policies and consequences. If the overuse of technology is af¬fecting your child’s schoolwork, try these simple solutions:

• Set limits starting with an electronics-free routine. When your child returns from school, allow screen access for an agreed upon period of time, and then the electronics go off. In many families, it is a half hour, but whatever time allotment you determine, stick with that time limit daily. You may also want to have a small box or container labeled “electronics go here”. That way, you’re not holding out your hand asking for your child’s beloved cell phone. Having a neutral place for it to be placed makes the transition less confrontational. It also limits the child’s temptation to sneak calls, texts, or games while doing homework.

• Trust but verify. After homework is completed, your child can retrieve his electronics after an adult has verified that the work is done. This usually includes checking completed assignments against what has been recorded in your child’s planner or posted online by the teachers.

• Consider returning electronics later in the evening. If your child is one who will rush through homework just to have access to his gadgets, consider a later time for returning them. You may find that about an hour after dinner works well. By this time homework should be out of the way unless an extracurricular activity is thrown in the mix.

• Having a routine decreases battles because kids know what to expect. Even if your child’s schedule is different every day, stick to a routine as much as possible. For example, if your child returns home from school at 4:00 and has a half hour of screen time, then homework would start at 4:30. The electronics can be collected from the basket by your child at 7:00 p.m. Now, if he has soccer practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5:30 to 6:30, allow him access for a half hour after school. Expect that he start his homework before practice and then work on it again immediately after dinner when he returns. On those evenings, he may not earn screen time until his work is completed. Depending on the age of your child, you may be wondering…

• What if he needs the computer for research? The answer is to allow him to print out information needed for the writing portion of the as-signment. That way, he’ll have the information, but won’t have con¬tinuous and distracting access to the Internet.

• What if he needs to type his homework? If your teen has a desk and computer in his room, but is constantly surfing the Internet when he should be doing homework, disable the Internet and only run word processing programs only. This isn’t hard to set up.

• What should I do if I see him online or texting when he should be doing homework? After you’ve established a “no screen time” policy and window of time that this rule is in place, you must enforce it. Let’s say your policy is in effect from 5:00 to 7:00 p.m. If he breaks the rule, penalize him an hour and restrict his use until 8:00 p.m.

• She says she focuses better when multitasking. Could this be true? No. In fact, studies show that when kids continually multitask, they lose the ability to focus on one thing at a time. Picture your daughter with earphones in while listening to her iPod, texting furiously, and checking her Facebook page all at the same time. This is common, but not pro-ductive. The problem is that when kids try to concentrate on just one task, such as reading or studying, they’re less able to sustain attention because they are so accustomed to stimulation from multiple sources. Even though you can discourage this type of behavior, you cannot stop it. You can, however, eliminate it during homework time.

• She says she can’t focus without music. Should I allow her to listen? There may be something to her claims. Studies show that the majority of kids do attend better with background music. If your child is productive when listening to her iPod, allow its use; however, if she is constantly distracted, then consider soft background music only. By setting limits and boundaries now, you’ll be helping to create a positive and production homework environment in the future. Good habits now will pay off throughout the high school years and in college, too.

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Ann K. Dolin, M.Ed., is the founder and president of Educational Connections, Inc., a comprehensive provider of educational services in Fairfax, VA and Bethesda, MD. In her new book, Homework Made Simple: Tips, Tools and Solutions for Stress-Free Homework, Dolin offers proven solutions to help the six key types of students who struggle with homework. Numerous examples and easy-to-implement, fun tips will help make homework less of a chore for the whole family. Learn more at anndolin.com or ectutoring.com.

Your Child Needs a Friend

To my readers: I have opened up my blog to guest bloggers. There were so many knowledgeable people who wanted to be on the radio show that I never got the chance to have on. So I am giving them a forum for their ideas.


Your Child Needs a Friend
by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

It wasn’t long after Jared Loughner shot Congresswoman Gabrielle Gibson that the FBI and police were looking for anyone who knew or was friends with Jared. It became clear very quickly that he had few friends and was a loner most of his life. Being a loner is on almost every profile of mental illness and is also highly correlated to happiness. Happier people tend to have more friends. It makes sense that if you are happy and enjoy life you are going to attract more people to you. Having friends and being liked by people is the single most important thing (outside of having a mom and dad) to a small child.

This need for friends grows as the child grows and becomes an adolescent. In my own life, I cannot imagine going through grade school, high school or college without my friends. Perhaps one of the most difficult things I see is children who don’t have friends. Many times these kids lack the skills to maintain a friendship. Parents do not help their children when they reach out to other children and instead try to become their child’s friend. Parents need to remain parents and encourage friendships among children.

Friends help a child learn different ways to relate to others. Through interacting with friends, your child learns more about who they are. Friends help children learn boundaries, make decisions and develop a healthy sense of self. Kids who don’t have friends don’t feel good about themselves. Research supports that children who have friends have fewer social problems, a healthier self-esteem, and a greater sense of wellbeing. Kids without friends are more likely to feel abandoned and victimized by peers. They may have trouble adjusting to school and, as they get older, their behavior may become more deviant.

Parents often ask what is normal. At what age does my child need friends? There is no clear answer for that, but we do know that 70 to 75 percent of preschoolers have friends outside of their family. By the time the child is an adolescent that percentage should go up to 80 or 90 percent. Adolescents usually have one or two close friends. Many times these friends are so close they follow the adolescent into adulthood and well beyond marriage. Friends validate and help your child feel secure while going through awkward stages. Research shows that children entering first grade have better school attitudes if they already have friends, and teens that have friends experience fewer psychological problems. Parents should understand and value their children’s friends. While the child is young, parents should help their child maintain friendships with play dates and get-togethers. When your child is an adolescent, rather than talk negatively about your child’s friend, it may be wiser to invite the friend over with their family to join yours. Knowing your adolescent’s friends is an important aspect of parenting.

What if you have a child who doesn’t make friends easily? Maybe your family has moved a lot, or maybe your child has a learning disorder that makes them feel less secure in reaching out and making friends. Here are a few suggestions that may help you encourage your child to make friends.

• Talk to your child about what kind of friend they would like. Ask them who they like the most in their class. Listen to them. They are telling you what they value in people. It will help your child if you repeat these attributes back to your child, so they can hear what qualities they value.

• Suggest to your child that you host a small party or movie night. Invite only one or two potential friends over. Don’t hover, but be available to your child if they need you. This will help your child feel confident, but not smothered. Make sure you offer good food (especially when teens are around).

• If you find your child withdrawing while their guests or friends are at your home, take your child to the side and hug them. Reassure them that having friends may be difficult, but it is important. Also, point out the positives you have witnessed with your child and their guests. Parenting a child who warms up slowly to peers requires patience and optimism.

• Making your home a safe place for your child to invite friends is an opportunity to help your child feel secure and also teach children how to get along. Don’t allow disrespectful words or behaviors, but do give your children and their friends room to work out their differences. Your child’s friends will become some of the best teachers.

• After the friends leave, spend some time with your child talking about the experience. Ask your child what they liked best about inviting friends over, and ask them what they didn’t like. This will help your child learn more about themselves, and it also teaches them what behaviors work and which don’t. It also gives you as a parent a good look into what your child is struggling with in their social interactions and what they are more confident with. Friends are not a luxury; they are a necessity for being healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually. No one should have to go through life without a couple good friends. If your child says, “I don’t have any friends.” Your response as a parent should always be, “Let’s work on that, you have way too much love, interests, and humor not to share them.”

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini atwww.maryjorapini.com.Twitter Mary Jo: @maryjorapini

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Start Talking features succinct yet lively answers, sample conversations, and real life stories to help open the door to better mother/daughter communication. Rapini and Sherman have compiled more than 113 questions girls (and their moms) routinely ask – or should be asking – about health, sex, body image, and dating.

Knowing Your Child's Texting Lingo May Save Their Life

To my readers: I have opened up my blog to guest bloggers. There were so many knowledgeable people who wanted to be on the radio show that I never got the chance to have on. So I am giving them a forum for their ideas.


Knowing Your Child's Lingo May Save Their Life
by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

Parents, your children's safety may depend upon you knowing their text and instant messaging lingo. Numerous web sites including TrueCare.net, and Netsmartz.org are now helping parents learn how to understand what their kids are saying to each other in an effort to prevent and stop bullying. For example, did you know that CD9 means parents are around or that MIRL means meet me in real life? If you think you have had the talk with your child and they understand the rules about texting and instant messaging, don't be sure that this is all you need to know to be safe. I participated in 17 stories for HLN and CNN last year. Thirteen of those stories had to do with children being hospitalized or killed due to bullying, suicide, or kidnappings from people they talked to on the Internet or texting.
Here are a few terms that will help you get started with understanding your children's texts or instant messaging:

Starbucks...*$
Thanks...10x
One to one...121
I love you...143
I hate you...182
To...2
Too cool...2c
Too cool for you...2c4u
Today...2 day
Too hot to handle...2H2H
Too late...2L8
Too much to handle...2M2H
Too much information...2 MI
Tomorrow...2morrow or 2mrw
Tonight...2nite
To you too...2U2
Mom...303
Threesome...3sum
For...4
Information...411
Marijuana...420
Forever...4ever
Forgive me...4GM
For real...4rl
For you...4U
For you too...4U2
Forward...4ward
Oral Sex...8
Over, out of, get rid of...86
Parent in room...CD9
Parent has left...99
Anyplace, anywhere, anytime...A3
Always and forever...AAF
As a matter of fact...AAMOF
Address...addy
As far as I'm concerned...AFAIAC
At home...AH
AOL Instant Messenger...AIM
Actually laughing out loud...ALOL
Available on cell...AOC
Angel on your pillow...AOYP
Age, sex, location...ASL
Age, Sex, Location, Picture...ASLP
At what time...AWT
As you know...AYK
Are you stupid or something...AYSOS
Drug of choice...DOC

There has become a sexualization of youth in our society.
Sex is power, and kids want power. They want to fit in and feel good, and there are people who do not have your children's best interest at heart. These people are available at all times via the internet and texting. Parents must be aware and talk with their kids. Make your home a safe place your child can come home to. You can create a safe place by following these guidelines offered by Netsmartz.org.
1. Keep the computer in a common area.
2. Create safe user names and profiles.
3. Don't let your children meet face to face with strangers they met online (you have to be checking to know.)
4. Teach children what to do if they get an offensive or threatening IM, E-Mail, or chartroom post (they should begin by showing you.) For cyberbullying, go to wiredsafety.org or email www.cybertipline.com. You can also call them at 1-800-843-5678.
5. Look into filtering or monitoring software for your computer.
6. Let children show you what they can do online and visit their favorite sites.
Parents, it takes your involvement to keep your child safe.

Remember that girls cyberbully more than boys and that bullying is no longer the bullying you grew up with. It is constant torture; and it happens at a time your child'ssense of self is not fully developed. This is part of the reason it can have disastrous effects on children. Any child under the age of 14 should not be on a social network. If your tween is on Facebook, MySpace, or any of the other social networks, I would ask you to reconsider setting firmer boundaries at home. Blaming the schools, churches, or wherever else your child encountered a harmful person will not help if your child is hurt, nor will it heal your pain if your child takes their life.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com. Twitter Mary Jo: @maryjorapini
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Start Talking features succinct yet lively answers, sample conversations, and real life stories to help open the door to better mother/daughter communication. Rapini and Sherman have compiled more than 113 questions girls (and their moms) routinely ask – or should be asking – about health, sex, body image, and dating.