Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Your Child Needs a Friend

To my readers: I have opened up my blog to guest bloggers. There were so many knowledgeable people who wanted to be on the radio show that I never got the chance to have on. So I am giving them a forum for their ideas.


Your Child Needs a Friend
by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

It wasn’t long after Jared Loughner shot Congresswoman Gabrielle Gibson that the FBI and police were looking for anyone who knew or was friends with Jared. It became clear very quickly that he had few friends and was a loner most of his life. Being a loner is on almost every profile of mental illness and is also highly correlated to happiness. Happier people tend to have more friends. It makes sense that if you are happy and enjoy life you are going to attract more people to you. Having friends and being liked by people is the single most important thing (outside of having a mom and dad) to a small child.

This need for friends grows as the child grows and becomes an adolescent. In my own life, I cannot imagine going through grade school, high school or college without my friends. Perhaps one of the most difficult things I see is children who don’t have friends. Many times these kids lack the skills to maintain a friendship. Parents do not help their children when they reach out to other children and instead try to become their child’s friend. Parents need to remain parents and encourage friendships among children.

Friends help a child learn different ways to relate to others. Through interacting with friends, your child learns more about who they are. Friends help children learn boundaries, make decisions and develop a healthy sense of self. Kids who don’t have friends don’t feel good about themselves. Research supports that children who have friends have fewer social problems, a healthier self-esteem, and a greater sense of wellbeing. Kids without friends are more likely to feel abandoned and victimized by peers. They may have trouble adjusting to school and, as they get older, their behavior may become more deviant.

Parents often ask what is normal. At what age does my child need friends? There is no clear answer for that, but we do know that 70 to 75 percent of preschoolers have friends outside of their family. By the time the child is an adolescent that percentage should go up to 80 or 90 percent. Adolescents usually have one or two close friends. Many times these friends are so close they follow the adolescent into adulthood and well beyond marriage. Friends validate and help your child feel secure while going through awkward stages. Research shows that children entering first grade have better school attitudes if they already have friends, and teens that have friends experience fewer psychological problems. Parents should understand and value their children’s friends. While the child is young, parents should help their child maintain friendships with play dates and get-togethers. When your child is an adolescent, rather than talk negatively about your child’s friend, it may be wiser to invite the friend over with their family to join yours. Knowing your adolescent’s friends is an important aspect of parenting.

What if you have a child who doesn’t make friends easily? Maybe your family has moved a lot, or maybe your child has a learning disorder that makes them feel less secure in reaching out and making friends. Here are a few suggestions that may help you encourage your child to make friends.

• Talk to your child about what kind of friend they would like. Ask them who they like the most in their class. Listen to them. They are telling you what they value in people. It will help your child if you repeat these attributes back to your child, so they can hear what qualities they value.

• Suggest to your child that you host a small party or movie night. Invite only one or two potential friends over. Don’t hover, but be available to your child if they need you. This will help your child feel confident, but not smothered. Make sure you offer good food (especially when teens are around).

• If you find your child withdrawing while their guests or friends are at your home, take your child to the side and hug them. Reassure them that having friends may be difficult, but it is important. Also, point out the positives you have witnessed with your child and their guests. Parenting a child who warms up slowly to peers requires patience and optimism.

• Making your home a safe place for your child to invite friends is an opportunity to help your child feel secure and also teach children how to get along. Don’t allow disrespectful words or behaviors, but do give your children and their friends room to work out their differences. Your child’s friends will become some of the best teachers.

• After the friends leave, spend some time with your child talking about the experience. Ask your child what they liked best about inviting friends over, and ask them what they didn’t like. This will help your child learn more about themselves, and it also teaches them what behaviors work and which don’t. It also gives you as a parent a good look into what your child is struggling with in their social interactions and what they are more confident with. Friends are not a luxury; they are a necessity for being healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually. No one should have to go through life without a couple good friends. If your child says, “I don’t have any friends.” Your response as a parent should always be, “Let’s work on that, you have way too much love, interests, and humor not to share them.”

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini atwww.maryjorapini.com.Twitter Mary Jo: @maryjorapini

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Start Talking features succinct yet lively answers, sample conversations, and real life stories to help open the door to better mother/daughter communication. Rapini and Sherman have compiled more than 113 questions girls (and their moms) routinely ask – or should be asking – about health, sex, body image, and dating.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Knowing Your Child's Texting Lingo May Save Their Life

To my readers: I have opened up my blog to guest bloggers. There were so many knowledgeable people who wanted to be on the radio show that I never got the chance to have on. So I am giving them a forum for their ideas.


Knowing Your Child's Lingo May Save Their Life
by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

Parents, your children's safety may depend upon you knowing their text and instant messaging lingo. Numerous web sites including TrueCare.net, and Netsmartz.org are now helping parents learn how to understand what their kids are saying to each other in an effort to prevent and stop bullying. For example, did you know that CD9 means parents are around or that MIRL means meet me in real life? If you think you have had the talk with your child and they understand the rules about texting and instant messaging, don't be sure that this is all you need to know to be safe. I participated in 17 stories for HLN and CNN last year. Thirteen of those stories had to do with children being hospitalized or killed due to bullying, suicide, or kidnappings from people they talked to on the Internet or texting.
Here are a few terms that will help you get started with understanding your children's texts or instant messaging:

Starbucks...*$
Thanks...10x
One to one...121
I love you...143
I hate you...182
To...2
Too cool...2c
Too cool for you...2c4u
Today...2 day
Too hot to handle...2H2H
Too late...2L8
Too much to handle...2M2H
Too much information...2 MI
Tomorrow...2morrow or 2mrw
Tonight...2nite
To you too...2U2
Mom...303
Threesome...3sum
For...4
Information...411
Marijuana...420
Forever...4ever
Forgive me...4GM
For real...4rl
For you...4U
For you too...4U2
Forward...4ward
Oral Sex...8
Over, out of, get rid of...86
Parent in room...CD9
Parent has left...99
Anyplace, anywhere, anytime...A3
Always and forever...AAF
As a matter of fact...AAMOF
Address...addy
As far as I'm concerned...AFAIAC
At home...AH
AOL Instant Messenger...AIM
Actually laughing out loud...ALOL
Available on cell...AOC
Angel on your pillow...AOYP
Age, sex, location...ASL
Age, Sex, Location, Picture...ASLP
At what time...AWT
As you know...AYK
Are you stupid or something...AYSOS
Drug of choice...DOC

There has become a sexualization of youth in our society.
Sex is power, and kids want power. They want to fit in and feel good, and there are people who do not have your children's best interest at heart. These people are available at all times via the internet and texting. Parents must be aware and talk with their kids. Make your home a safe place your child can come home to. You can create a safe place by following these guidelines offered by Netsmartz.org.
1. Keep the computer in a common area.
2. Create safe user names and profiles.
3. Don't let your children meet face to face with strangers they met online (you have to be checking to know.)
4. Teach children what to do if they get an offensive or threatening IM, E-Mail, or chartroom post (they should begin by showing you.) For cyberbullying, go to wiredsafety.org or email www.cybertipline.com. You can also call them at 1-800-843-5678.
5. Look into filtering or monitoring software for your computer.
6. Let children show you what they can do online and visit their favorite sites.
Parents, it takes your involvement to keep your child safe.

Remember that girls cyberbully more than boys and that bullying is no longer the bullying you grew up with. It is constant torture; and it happens at a time your child'ssense of self is not fully developed. This is part of the reason it can have disastrous effects on children. Any child under the age of 14 should not be on a social network. If your tween is on Facebook, MySpace, or any of the other social networks, I would ask you to reconsider setting firmer boundaries at home. Blaming the schools, churches, or wherever else your child encountered a harmful person will not help if your child is hurt, nor will it heal your pain if your child takes their life.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com. Twitter Mary Jo: @maryjorapini
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Start Talking features succinct yet lively answers, sample conversations, and real life stories to help open the door to better mother/daughter communication. Rapini and Sherman have compiled more than 113 questions girls (and their moms) routinely ask – or should be asking – about health, sex, body image, and dating.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Sometimes We Cry--But It's Okay

Sometimes its bad when the going gets tough
When we look in the mirror and we want to give up
Sometimes we dont even think well try
Sometimes we cry

Well were gonna have to sit down and think it right through
If we're only human what more can we do
The only thing to do is eat humble pie
Sometimes we cry
from Sometimes We Cry by Van Morrison

There are times in our lives--not just as parents, but as humans--when we need to sit down and cry. We all have moments in life where we are overwhelmed by stress, indecision, regret, sadness, and many more reasons why we want to cry. No, that is not accurate. Actually we need to cry. Crying releases powerful internal natural substances that elevate our moods. Have you ever been crying your heart out when an offbeat comment from someone else can suddenly sent you into uncontrollable laughter? In the movie, Steel Magnolias, Dolly Parton claims laughter through tears as her favorite emotion.

Crying is cleansing and purifying. God have us tears because it is healthy for us . When you hold deep emotions inside, any doctor will say that you are raising your risks for all sorts of physical ailments, such as high blood pressure, ulcers, heart attacks, depression, lupus, and many more diseases and conditions. Is it worth it?

Feeling overwhelmed by life is one of the hardest things any of us face. There are many causes of that feeling--many of which deal with loss in our lives. Cry. Keep crying--get it all out. But find a way to keep doing the little things of life that keep you connected to the world and to your family and friends. Get out of bed. Go to work. Cook dinner. Call someone else who is suffering and do something for them. Sometimes you will have to fake it a little, but even that will help.

Confiding in someone you can trust can really give you a lift. It also lets you know that you are not alone. Or you can get help from outside your cirlce of friends--a therapist, AA, Alanon, a spiritual advisor, or even a stranger on a help line.

Crying is not abnormal or strange. It is a normal part of life. As the song says, "sometimes we cry" and the Bible says that there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." I listened to this song the other day and have not been able to get it out of my mind or my heart. A deepseated need to blog about this topic grew in my consciousness. So, if you are the reason, please heed the words and know you are okay. You will be fine--maybe not the same--but fine.


Blessings to all.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Fifteen things to tell your teenager

To my readers: I have opened up my blog to guest bloggers. There were so many knowledgeable people who wanted to be on the radio show that I never got the chance to have on. So I am giving them a forum for their ideas.

Fifteen things to tell your teenager before they close their eyes to sleep
by Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC

Having a teenager is one of the most challenging times in a parent’s marriage — as well as their life. It is scary, frustrating, and chaotic. It is a time of letting go, enforcing rules, strengthening boundaries and also nurturing. Teens may appear to be fighting against us at times — rebelling from our rules, pointing out our inadequacies, and telling us “how out of it we are.”

However, they also still love and need us. They need their mom and dad to stay strong and enforce the rules and structure that help make them feel secure. There are certain things teenagers really need to hear from their parents. You cannot say these things when they would be most apropos. However, you can say them at night when the child is relaxed and going to sleep. Also, they offer less resistance at night just before bedtime. They will remember what you said, and they will reflect on it when you least expect it.

I have written down 15 of those things that should be said during your child’s teen years.

1. No one will ever love you in the same way or have your best interests at heart more than your mom/dad and I will.
2. You have so many gifts and options; I will help you capitalize/benefit from them as best I can.
3. How can I help you reach your dreams?
4. No matter what you confide in me, I will always love you and do what is best for you.
5. My job is not to be your buddy. I am your parent and will love and mentor you.
6. I am sorry. (Say this whenever you hurt your child, or your child is in pain from something someone else said to them.)
7. I embrace your friends, but I love you the most.
8. It is okay to mess up; I do it all the time.
9. I am sorry you don’t like my rules, but you will have to abide by them. I will hold you accountable if you break them and there will be a consequence.
10. If you are in trouble call me first, no matter where you are. I may be angry, but my first concern will always be your safety. We will talk about punishment or consequences later.
11. You are an integral part of this family, and the family needs you to run smoothly.
12. I don’t care what your friends get to do. I am not their parent; I am yours and you are my main responsibility and concern.
13. I admire you more than you can ever understand or know.
14. If you get in trouble at school, be honest with me. Your teacher is the authority at school and if I hear it from your teacher before I hear it from you, I will feel betrayed or deceived. I may react to this breach of trust.
15. From the first time I saw your eyes, I vowed to be the best parent I could be for you. I make mistakes but they are not meant to hurt you. I make them because I love you so much and get scared sometimes. It is hard parenting a teen (your child will understand this confession).

The number of years your child is a teen are relatively short, but no time in your child’s life can influence the relationship they have with you into adulthood as much as their teen years. Hold strong boundaries, talk with them, listen to them, and tell them frequently with a hug how much you love them. They will make it through — and so will you.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com. Twitter Mary Jo: @maryjorapini

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Start Talking features succinct yet lively answers, sample conversations, and real life stories to help open the door to better mother/daughter communication. Rapini and Sherman have compiled more than 113 questions girls (and their moms) routinely ask – or should be asking – about health, sex, body image, and dating.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Relating to Older Children

To my readers: I have opened up my blog to guest bloggers. There were so many knowledgeable people who wanted to be on the radio show that I never got the chance to have on. So I am giving them a forum for their ideas.

My first guest blogger is Annie Burnside and you will benefit from her wise words--Pat


In the modern age of texts, tweets, and status updates, it is of utmost importance that parents maintain open lines of face-to-face, soul-to-soul communication with their children. This does not mean resisting a highly technological world, but rather continually exploring new ways to connect with one another both on and beyond the keyboard. As children get older, parents must observe carefully what their children enjoy and meet them there as often as they can. This may at times include technology in different forms, but should not become the main focus within a family. The more attuned parents are to their children’s interests, the better able they are to utilize those interests as opportunities for expanded connection.

As children mature, the interactions between parent and child shift greatly. Part of this change is due to quantity of time spent together, but the nature of the hours shared also shifts dramatically. Today’s children often become immersed in a world of technology and friendships that may seem quite foreign to parents. Parents can view all new interests as pathways to greater awareness and connection and tailor them to fit into family life. To light that path, parents must continually assess whether they are offering a true understanding of core concepts such as authenticity, self-love, connectedness and presence in tandem with their child’s inevitable foray into a fast-paced and ever-changing world. Parents must not only teach these concepts but also model ways for their children to integrate them into life experiences and relationships.

The invitation for all parents is to actively participate in as many areas of their children’s lives as possible without decreasing their natural move towards independence. Their interests when viewed from an expanded perspective offer rich material and opportunity to connect with them in deep and joyous ways. Songs, movies, and all veins of creative expression (even technology) provide optimal entry points into daily conversation and in-depth discussion. Parents can utilize everyday life to dissect and review the core concepts mentioned above to expand perspective and enhance the parent/child bond. The space and opportunity to discuss the touchstones of the day can be created through a weekly family discussion or a nightly five-minute chat at bedtime. Parents must be continually on the lookout for a bridge into their children’s world.

As children grow older, the sharing is of a different nature, but stems from the same loving bond as before even if the child does not outwardly express this deeply felt connection. Parents must trust that it is there and forge ahead in the desire to keep intimacy alive. It becomes the parent’s job to tap into the essence of what their children enjoy even if the form does not fully resonate. Parents should take the time every so often to close their eyes to recall in their heart the feeling of coming into their own passions when they were the same age as their children. The technology available is more advanced today, but it is important for parents to remember the feeling of listening to a popular song or watching a favorite show each week. If parents can access their inner-adolescent, they will have a much greater chance of connecting now with their own children.

Parents can open themselves to the possibility that they can move into their children’s world a bit more and enjoy the ride with them rather than in opposition to them. As parents give their children permission to be authentic in their choices, they must also offer them the parental insight that there are multiple angles to every choice. Parents can encourage transparency and honesty by creating a family structure that helps children monitor their choices—such as computer use on the first floor only. Parents should not be afraid to expect and enforce accountability, while at the same time remain open to the child’s new world. It is imperative that parents take the time to teach children that current choices affect future reality. In other words, parents should assist them in coming to understand that they are a source, not an effect—joy begets more joy, inspiration begets more inspiration, and the opposite.

Conscious parenting requires active participation in all aspects of family life, connecting not only within the parents’ comfort zones but also within the children’s. Parents can begin to intuitively feel for the openings to interact richly with their children that occur naturally rather than push too hard at the wrong time. The teenage years are fast and fleeting. There is much sharing, laughter, togetherness, and JOY to be had. As parents model authentic living and deep connection with others, their beloved children just may follow suit in their own way, through not only their face-to-face, soul-to-soul interactions, but through their inevitable online interactions as well.


Bio: A modern bridge between the mainstream and the mystical, Annie Burnside is a soul nurturer specializing in conscious relationships and spiritual development. Her spiritual support practice assists others in balancing the exterior world with an interior focus. Annie teaches workshops, speaks publicly and writes the Soul to Soul Perspective blog for the Chicago Tribune, a regular blog for ModernMom.com, and the family consciousness column for Evolving Your Spirit Magazine. She lives with her husband and three children in Chicago, IL. http://www.annieburnside.com/

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Change Is Good

I am one of those people who resist change, then finally decide that I have to do it and charge ahead. For a while now I have been thinking of puttng Parents Rule! radio show into hiatus. But, as I said, creating new routine is not my favorite thing. True to my nature, I am also going to change this blog by bringing in more guest bloggers. In that way, you can still have the benefit of people who would have been guests on the show.

Why am I doing this? Recently some things happened in my life that put the show in a new perspective and I realized that now is not the right time for me to be doing it. It is always possible that I will bring it back, slightly changed, but still a great resource for parents. But right now, I have some other priorities that must take my attention. The radio station gave me a wonderful opportunity and I am forever grateful. But it is also time to part ways there.

So my last show is this week and I have bittersweet feelings about that. It is best to never look back. We should keep looking forward, carrying the lessons from the past, but focusing on the path we are walking today. Using a quote from my book, Now You Know What I Know: Parenting Wisdom of a Grandmother:

Don’t regret the past. Its experiences make you who you are today. Don’t live in the past with remorse, guilt, or shame. Learn from it and move on. Living in the past will hamper your growth and future happiness.

The future is what dreams are made of and should be anticipated eagerly. But don’t live for the future either. While your eyes are focused too far ahead, you miss the beauty and opportunity around you. It is also easy to stumble if you are looking forward or backward.

Live for the present, live in the present. Learn from the past and hope for the future but cherish each day in the present with which you are blessed. Experience each moment and enjoy each day. Fill your heart with joy and look at the wonderful things around you. You are blessed and can find a miracle in each day if you look for it. All you have to do is look in your child’s face to see a miracle when you need one.