Is there good praise and bad praise for your kids? Isn't any praise good for them? After all, there have been studies that show that self-esteem is incredibly important in our kids. So how can there be bad praise?
In the book, Nurtureshock: New Thinking About Children http://www.nurtureshock.com , authors Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman show why there is such a thing. Not only does a certain type of praise not help our kids, it can actually decrease their desire to achieve.
An example in the book shows kids being giving tests. After the first test, one child is told they are very smart. The other is told they must have tried really hard. For the next test, the children are given a choice of an easier test or a harder one that will teach them something.
The child who was told they were smart picked the easier test. The one who was told they tried hard picked the harder one. And it was not true for just one group of kids. It is universal. The "smart" kid could not allow themselves to fail, so they would not put themselves in a position where that could happen.
If you praise effort, you give the child a variable they can control--the amount of work they put into a project. Conversely, the kids who were praised for their intellect (which they do not control) felt no need to put out effort.
These results were true, regardless of socioeconomic class or gender. So if you want to make a big difference in your child, praise their efforts. Tell them they worked hard on a project and did it well rather than tell them how smart they are. Tell them they hit the ball well in the baseball game rather than saying they are great ball players.
If you think about it, it makes sense.
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2 comments:
Pat,
I read your post with much interest. I'm not sure if I totally agree with what the authors are saying. I give lots of praise to my grandson and I reinforce how smart I believe he is when he does something nice. For example, if he tries to open a door for someone, I tell him that's what smart boys do because it makes you a nice person. I also tell him how smart he is when he is able to spell a word or identify letters.
I do believe children need positive reinforcement. I do believe children need to hear someone tell them they are smart when they do something that warrants it.
I'll have to give this deepter thought. Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
Very good points, Bev. And I agree with you, but as I read the book, I started to see the value in what they were saying. I recommend reading it to get the true value. The point is that kids need praise but they need specific praise.
So for instance, when he can spell a word, he should be told how well he spelled that word and how hard he has worked to learn to spell instead of how smart he is. From their studies, they found that kids who are praised for effort achieve more than those who are praised for being smart.
It is extremely interesting reading!
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