I am 44 years old and I have these dreams.
I dream my 11 yr old son is hugging me. I dream he grabs my hand as we walk down a crowded street. I dream he smiles because he is happy to see me. All these dreams end the same way. I start crying because Adam and I are together again. Then I wake up with mixed emotions. I'm grateful for the few seconds of subconscious normalcy, but sad that my dreams are the only place Adam and I have a normal relationship. (from the book A Family's Heartbreak: A Parents Introduction to Parental Alienation by Michael Jefferies http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com)
April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day and I am doing my part to spread the word about this viral disease that infects many families. Since I have been doing my radio show, Parents Rule!, I have heard so many stories from dads and moms who are alienated from the children they love so much. It is heart breaking to listen to the tales of lost affection and lost time with their kids, false claims of child abuse, tears shed, and dollars spent trying to put things right. And that is the affect on the alienated parent.
For the children, they have much higher rates of depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and suicide. These children are taught by the alienating parent to hold anger and resentment against the parent they are told no longer loves them. Sometimes they are even punished if they do not comply with the rule of hating the alienated parent. It is so sad. How can a child believe anyone can love them if they believe that a parent has stopped loving him? How can she ever have a normal relationship with another person?
The alienating parent for some reason--there are many reasons for this--has a need to separate the child from the other parent. This is usually the result of a divorce, but not always. Phone calls are not answered or returned. Visits are cancelled or become very uncomfortable due to the pressure on the child to show anger or disinterest in the alienated parent. Some parents have been arrested on trumped up charges of abuse. It is all so ugly and it must stop.
Unfortunately, the family court system in most states is useless in preventing or stopping this atrocity. Many alienated parents lose their jobs and fortunes trying to reconnect with their beloved child--most times, to no avail.
My show next week features the author referenced at the beginning of this blog. We are going to discuss his story and what can be done to fix the broken system in which these parents are trying to work. It will be a good show, so tune in Thurs April 15th 2-3 pm EST at http://www.americaswebradio.com. Listen is and find out what you can do to prevent this from happening to you.
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6 comments:
Pat,
Sadly, I do believe parents take their frustrations from their relationship out on their children. They end up using the child as a pawn--and they use it against the other parent.
I am not justifying alienation of affection but I do understand it to some degree. I especially understand it when you have a parent who refuses to be a part of a child's life until he or she is good and ready. I have personally been through that and yes--I intentionally kept my daughter away from her dad because of his behavior. You can't be a dad when you want to. Raising children is a full-time responsibility.
I never received one dime of child support from the time we divorced (Janie was 10) so that told me he had no interest in taking care of his child so why she he have privileges to spend time with her?
Great show today! Mike was so articulate, compassionate and fair in discussing a heartbreaking topic close to him personally. It's so important for parents to understand the emotional and long-term psychological effects of PA before the divorce process so they can think twice about the consequences in their children's lives.
Thanks for a great interview and excellent guest!
Rosalind, thanks. I thought he was great also, a wonderful spokesman for the topic.
Bev, I get your point also. But in your case, he alienated himself from his daughter. You didn't do it. And it is his loss.
Well put, Pat. Bev was protecting her child, not creating an alienated relationship.
This is a sad situation, indeed! It is difficult enough to go through the teen years and realize the child you've adored has morphed into a moody alien who can barely acknowledge they know you... let alone love you. But, losing the affections of your child, when they are young and impressionable, would be devastating.
Thanks for bringing this important problem to light. I'm sure your work will help many families.
So well put, Eileen. This is a tragedy all around that can be prevented with some forethought. Undoing the damage takes considerably more skill and patience. But parents should never give up!
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