If Only I Didn't Love My Kids So Much...

From the first moment I held my babies and looked into their eyes, I was forever in love with them. The overpowering feeling was like nothing I could have ever imagined. It is funny how that feeling never goes away--even when they are adults and have their own lives. As the new year rolls in, I have spent a little time in reflection and have the following to share.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would have gotten a lot more sleep, rather than sleeping on the floor next to their crib or bed when they were sick--staying awake most of the night to make sure they were okay. But then I might have missed something I could have done for them or I might have missed the moonlight reflected on the sweet innocent sleeping faces that I can still see today.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would have shed fewer tears. They didn't see the times when I had to punish them, then went to my room and cried because of it. Or the times when they were in pain--physical or emotional--I cried as many tears as they did. It is so hard to see someone you love so much hurting and not be able to do anything about it. But then, when they were little, I would not have been able to kiss the boo-boo with enough feeling to make it better.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would have had so much more time for myself. Instead of going to concerts, practices, ballgames, activities, and such, I could have been out having fun with my friends. But then, I would have missed the best times of my life.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would not get my feeling hurt as often. Unintentional and the very rare intentional, slights from my children wouldn't matter to me. It is hard to understand that the love a child has for a parent is different than the love a parent has for a child. For a mom, our child become who is now an adult was once the baby that grew within her, the one she nursed and protected, the one she corrected and guided. It is a special feeling that appears in no other relationship. So we moms sometimes get our feelings hurt if we feel we have been slighted. But then, I would not be the person I am if I didn't care that much.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I could have spared them more pain in life. I could have protected them from life more often and not let anything ever hurt them, just like I promised them when they were babies. But then, they would not be the resilient resourceful adults they are now. To love them means letting them learn that they can fall and get back up. It also means teaching them to take responsibility for their decisions and their actions.

If only I didn 't love my kids so much, I would not feel empty on holidays when I have share them with in-laws. Don't get me wrong, I love all the in-laws my kids have brought into our lives and I understand they love their children (and mine) as much as I do. It is just hard to share sometimes. But then, it makes me appreciate the times we are together so much more. I truly value the moments when my kids go out of their way to spend time with me. It is a wonderful gift.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, my life would be so empty. The joy they have brought me is immeasureable. And now we have added stepchildren and spouses and grandchildren to the family so we number 25. And the joy of Christmas was enhanced with the news that the 26th member of the family will be here in August. I am truly blessed.