Parenting Lessons from Jared Loughner

When I hear something that seems as senseless and vile as the shooting this week in Arizona, I try to find a positive or a lesson from it. Nothing in life is completely random. It seems clear that this young man who shot all those people, had a plan. But it is also evident that he was troubled. I have read comments about him in which a professor was afraid to turn his back on him and that he talked to himself and was a loner.

My heart goes out to all the victims of the shooting. It also goes out to Jared's parents. From all accounts, they are completely devastated. That is understandable. Their statement made yesterday broke my heart. However, there are questions that need to asked--not to judge them, but to ask ourselves if it is possible this could occur in our own lives with our children.

What can parents learn from this mutiple tragedy? After much thought, it seems apparent to me that we must see our children for who they are, not who we want them to be. Parents everywhere have dreams for their offspring. We always want to believe in the best in them and see them in the best light. Sadly, many parents carry it a little to far and refuse to see the troubled child living in their home.

To neighbors and teachers, Jared was a troubled person and had been that way for many years. Did he have a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder? Did he have multiple personalities? Was he bipolar? Was there a treatable malady distorting his mentation? Was he sociopathic? Who knows?

I have made so many mistakes with my parenting that I will never say that any parent did a bad job. Who knows what went on in their home. Maybe these parents tried over and over to get help for him. At age 22, that was hardly still an option--he is of age and can only make those decisions for himself. And, from personal experience, I know that you cannot help someone who doesn't want help.

Also as parents, we cannot plan our children's lives as adults. They have to make their own way and walk their own path. There are many stories of wonderful parents who had children who went astray. There is no way to predict when this will happen, or to which families. If we have done all we can as parents and our child chooses to walk a dark path, we should have no guilt for that. It is their choice.

But, my point today is that we must look at and really SEE our children. Are they having trouble in school? Having issues with relationships? Unable to keep a job? Disrespectful to us or to others? Are one person one day and a different one the next? Is your gut telling you that something is wrong, even though your heart is begging you not to believe it? Listen to what your children say. Read what they write on social media sites and blogs and slips of paper in their room. Pay attention and take action if warranted.

I pray none of you ever have to go through what any of the affected families are suffering. I pray my family never has to either.