Grandparents Are Cool!

Me and my Texas cowgirls

Thinking back to when I was having babies, those were exciting times. I loved planning for the baby, wondering if I would have a boy or girl. We didn't have much money, but I sewed and scrimped and finally had all the things I needed for the baby's room. My parents lived 1000 miles away so there was not much they could do from there, but that was okay.

This was my baby and I wanted to make the decisions. I was going to be the mommy and I knew I would not make the mistakes my parents did. It never occurred to me that they actually didn't make that many errors, nor did it occur to me that I might make a few of my own. The point was that I was responsible for this baby, not the grandparents. Did they give me advice? Of course. Was all of it requested? Nope.

When I became a grandma, I did not know what my role was. Was I an additional parent? Was I a playmate? Was I supposed to tell my kids everything they could do better and encourage what they did right? What was I supposed to do?

Finally, I did what has worked for me in the past. I thought back to my child rearing days. Then it all became clear. Who am I to tell my kids what they did was right or wrong? That was for them to figure out, just like I did. It is their family and their responsibility. It is not mine. Whoa, that really takes the heat off me!

Luckily my kids share my values and we have a very few differences so far on the subject of child rearing. But when we do, I try to abide by their rules--even if it is not how I did it with them. After all, I raised them to make good decisons. And they do, as evidenced by their choices for mates. I have done all I can for them. I mean, I wrote them a book (Now You Know What I Know: Parenting Wisdom of a Grandmother) about all my mistakes, for goodness sake. What else do they want? Now it is their turn to love, make mistakes, and nurture their children.

My job now is to occasionally babysit, love, play and just be "cool". As I was thinking back, I remembered how NOT COOL my parents were and how definitely cool my grandparents were. So now we have a few rules at Grandma's house but mostly we play and have fun. There is always a treat somewhere for them and we laugh a lot. My job is to be one of the very few people in their lives that they know love them unconditionally--no matter what. How special is that?

Back to the Land of Toilet Seats!

I know that we have some problems in this country--high unemployment, bitter partisan fighting on both sides of Congress, high deficits. But we do have one thing going for us. Toilet seats! Oh...and toilet paper.

We just got back from a trip out of the country (you can see the photos on my facebook site--http://www.facebook.com/ParentsRuleParentResourceforInformationandAdvice). While we had a wonderful time, I did once again notice, up close and personal, that many countries are not partial to toilet seats. The photo in this post is one I took after finishing my business along the Amazon. Notice the lack of toilet seat. And the toilet was about half as high as mine at home.

Ok, now picture yourself, ladies, squatting over this thing while trying to hold your pants out of the way, but not letting them lie in the fluid on the floor. Now you must also grab the blue rope hanging on the door with your third hand--oh, you only have two? Sorry! Ok, you have to grab the rope to hold the door closed. The whole area is leans downhill, too, so the door tends to want to be open.

Now with your free hand?? you must reach in your pocket or purse or whatever you can use to find some paper for wiping since there is none in there. All this needs to be done quickly since by now you have a major muscle burn going on those squatting thighs. And you must remember not to put the tissue in the toilet--that goes in a small waste can. The big blue can? Oh, that has water in it to use for flushing.

All in all, it was a very interesting trip to the jon, made worse because I kept laughing the whole time. My trip to the Amazon was amazing and wonderful. It is one I would definitely repeat. But this time I would go to REI and get the female funnel I almost bought before the trip. It sure would have come in handy a few times.

What if Your Child Divorced You?

I am 44 years old and I have these dreams.
I dream my 11 yr old son is hugging me. I dream he grabs my hand as we walk down a crowded street. I dream he smiles because he is happy to see me. All these dreams end the same way. I start crying because Adam and I are together again. Then I wake up with mixed emotions. I'm grateful for the few seconds of subconscious normalcy, but sad that my dreams are the only place Adam and I have a normal relationship. (from the book A Family's Heartbreak: A Parents Introduction to Parental Alienation by Michael Jefferies http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com)

April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day and I am doing my part to spread the word about this viral disease that infects many families. Since I have been doing my radio show, Parents Rule!, I have heard so many stories from dads and moms who are alienated from the children they love so much. It is heart breaking to listen to the tales of lost affection and lost time with their kids, false claims of child abuse, tears shed, and dollars spent trying to put things right. And that is the affect on the alienated parent.

For the children, they have much higher rates of depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and suicide. These children are taught by the alienating parent to hold anger and resentment against the parent they are told no longer loves them. Sometimes they are even punished if they do not comply with the rule of hating the alienated parent. It is so sad. How can a child believe anyone can love them if they believe that a parent has stopped loving him? How can she ever have a normal relationship with another person?

The alienating parent for some reason--there are many reasons for this--has a need to separate the child from the other parent. This is usually the result of a divorce, but not always. Phone calls are not answered or returned. Visits are cancelled or become very uncomfortable due to the pressure on the child to show anger or disinterest in the alienated parent. Some parents have been arrested on trumped up charges of abuse. It is all so ugly and it must stop.

Unfortunately, the family court system in most states is useless in preventing or stopping this atrocity. Many alienated parents lose their jobs and fortunes trying to reconnect with their beloved child--most times, to no avail.

My show next week features the author referenced at the beginning of this blog. We are going to discuss his story and what can be done to fix the broken system in which these parents are trying to work. It will be a good show, so tune in Thurs April 15th 2-3 pm EST at http://www.americaswebradio.com. Listen is and find out what you can do to prevent this from happening to you.

Seattle School Facilitates Abortion Without Parental Consent

In my goal of providing timely parenting information to my readers/listeners, I am bringing this sad story to you. According to all the news outlets today, a Seattle high school's teen health center not only tested a girl for pregnancy without parental consent, it also sent her for an abortion. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/teen-abortion-high-school/story?id=10189694 This event is getting a lot of play on the internet and there are mixed feelings about this.

Apparently, this is legal in Washington state as well as 12 or 13 other states. Why? Why is this considered the right thing to do? It is just another example of the erosion of parental rights in the United States. Teen pregnancy and abortion are very important issues in the life of a teen. They need to be discussed at home with the family, not with strangers who do not have the child's best interest at heart. Advice from her parents is what that child needed.

Abortion is not without risk, physically or emotionally. What if the girl had died? What if she had a botched abortion and could never have children again? What if, after the abortion, she got depressed and committed suicide? I have know several people who have had abortions and the majority of them dealt with guilt and depression afterward. Wouldn't this child need her family for support of any decision?

What did the school tell this teen girl? "We had no idea this was being facilitated on campus," said the mother. "They just told her that if she concealed it from her family, that it would be free of charge and no financial responsibility." So they actively counseled her to keep the secret from her parents. That is just wrong, period.

When I was a teen, I did not have sex. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't think I could face my parents if I got pregnant or caught a disease. It was a deterrant for me and for many others. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. Teens are not emotionally capable of handling a sexual relationship. They are just learning to deal with the crazy hormone surges and mood changes that come with puberty and adolescence. Teens having sex too early is a recipe for a very bad emotional soup.

Even though I would have been afraid to tell my parents, I know they would have supported me and helped me make the right decision about what should be done. Would they have been angry? Absolutely. Would they have caused a scene? No question. But when all was said and done, they would have been there for me just like they were for every other crisis in my life. And so would practically every other parent.

Abortion back then was still illegal so that would not have been on the table. But we would have talked about keeping the baby versus adoption. Yes, they would have been disappointed. Every parent is when their child has to face a situation like that.

It doesn't mean that the parent stops loving that child. What it should mean is that they discuss their feelings openly and frankly. Information for parents and child is vital and they can get it from various sources, such as a pediatrician. Then they sit down as a family and decide what is best for the baby and for the teen.

What should NEVER happen is for the government or a school to usurp the parental role in such a situation. I think it is criminal to encourage a child to hide something like that from a parent. I am just sick to know that it is legal in so many states. This should be a wake up call for parents. Find out the laws in your state. Lobby to have such a horrendous law repealed if you have one. Stand up for parents rights. What if this had been your child? How would you have felt?

What To Do If You Witness a Theft?

How many of you have ever seen someone shoplift right in front of you? If you did, what would you do? What if it was a child and the mother did not see? Would you:
A. Tell the mom
B. Tell the clerk
C. Do nothing
D. Tell the clerk, but pay for it yourself

This happened to a friend of mine. Check her blog about it at http://www.babyboomerbev.blogspot.com/ under Mind Your Own Business Boomer Grandma. My friend told the clerk who stopped the mom and daughter before they left the store. Yes, it was a preschooler and yes, it was only a lollypop. But isn't that how it starts? First a lollypop, then fancy panties, then a Ferrari.

What appalled me about the story was the mom's angry reaction. I would have been embarassed, but also grateful to Bev for letting me know what happened so I could put a stop to it. One of my kids that age stole candy and I marched them back to the store to apologize and pay for it. They never did it again.

From the mom's reaction, I wonder if she really did know. Bev said it looked like the child knew what she was doing. And just last week a mom and dad were arrested for using their small child to steal something--I think it was a purse. The mom told her to "do it for mommy." Really? That is what you want to teach your child?

As Bev asks, where are the morals these days? We have a very lenient society in which our young people are given anything they want instead of having to work for it. I think that is the start of this type of behavior. They think that just because they want it, they should be able to take it. Hmm. Are they learning that at home or from Congress?

Are You an Olympics Junkie Like Me?

I love the Olympics--winter and summer, but I think the winter games are my favorite. In 1980, I remember nursing a newborn late at night in my living room while silently chanting U-S-A U-S-A. The Miracle on Ice unfolded before my eyes and I was mesmerized. There they were; a bunch of college kids playing against "professionals" from other countries and we won the gold. Before that I liked the Olympics, but after that, I was hooked.

I started listening to the stories of how the competitors got there--the sacrifices they and their parents made so they could participate in these incredible events that bring the world together--if only for a couple of weeks every two years. It shows me that it can be done.

This year, I cried with the Canadian ice skater who skated for her mom; the mom that died suddenly two days before JoAnnie was due to compete. I cried with her when she raised her arms toward heaven and her mom after a skate that won her a bronze medal.

I saw a hockey player play his best for parents who hocked their wedding rings many years earlier so they could afford hockey lessons for their child. And I saw a skier who skied to gold for his brother with cerebral palsy. The brother was there cheering louder than anyone else.

There are so many glorious athletic accomplishments that occur during the Olympics. But what I love the most is the knowledge that a family worked together so an athlete could compete. For instance there was the family of another skier who voted to forego buying each other Christmas presents this year and pool their money so they could send a son and a brother to Vancouver.

That is what family is all about, folks. Think about it.

Schools in Our Bedrooms? No Way!

Were you as outraged as I was about the story from PA in which a school official secretly activated a webcam on a laptap loaned to a student? The only response from the officials that I can find on internet searches is that they can turn on the webcam to locate a missing laptop. No problem with that here.

But this does not seem to be the case with Blake Robins. He says he was just eating candy and using the computer at home. The next day he was called into the school office and accused of possibly selling drugs. For proof, they produced a photo taken of him from the webcam the night before. Was it drugs or candy he was eating that night? I am sure I don't know, but this family insists it was candy.

Regardless, what right did the school have to turn on the webcam in that case? Not once have the officials claimed that the laptop was reported missing or lost. Is this just a case of an over-zealous administrator? Or a pervert hoping to see something that is better left private? There is certainly more to this story and I hope the full truth comes out.

How many more kids have potentially been victimized without their knowledge by this vice principal? We need to know.

Word of warning: A "free" computer may not be that free after all.