Kids of Divorce Have Special Holiday Needs

Children whose parents are divorced face special issues during holidays. They are shifted from one home to another, often only getting to play with new toys for a few minutes before having to leave them to move on.

It is sometimes difficult for them to know where they fit in. For instance, if they live with one parent who is re-married and has other kids with that spouse, it is easy to feel like an outsider. Also they feel like an outsider with the non-custodial parent and that new family. Part of each, but not wholly either one.

My ex and I worked this out in a unique way and it was great for the kids. The first year he was supposed to have them Christmas morning, they were really upset wondering how Santa would find them. He approached me about an idea he had.

From that year on, the kids were always at my house for Christmas morning. Santa knew where to come and they were "at home." But he was there also. My ex would sometimes come over very early before the kids woke up or sometimes he spent the night on the couch. If it was his year to have them, then they left with him after opening presents and having breakfast. If it was my year, then he left after breakfast.

So Christmas was always a family affair and we were all together. The kids are grown now and he and I both have wonderful partners to share our lives with. But we are still all together for every holiday, not just Christmas. The family is just a little bigger now.

When I asked for information about holiday traditions, my friend Rosalind Sedacca www.childcentereddivorce.com wrote back with these tips for parents who are divorced to make life easier for the children:

• Remember that 25 % of kids live with only one parent
• Many others are going back and forth with joint custody
• Keeping some old rituals alive will maintain a stability that your child needs
• It is great also to start some new traditions—new songs, new foods, new visiting, creating decorations together, whatever you can think of--will help the child to move on with the changes in the lifestyle
• Don’t bad mouth the ex especially during this time of year. It does no one any good and puts the children in the impossible position of feeling like they have to choose between you
• Regarding holiday plans, talk together alone and don’t bring in kids until decisions are made. Of course as they get older they may have some plans that need to be taken into account.
• Be flexible—schedules can change. Have a game plan for unforeseen events.
• Keep a civil tone with each other. Maybe he did not get them home at exactly 6 pm, but maybe it was out of his control--or his parents had a hard time saying good bye. Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
• Reflecting a cooperative spirit teaches your child how to handle situations in an adult way.
• Let child make age appropriate decisions—no more power than they need Keep choices to a minimum Communicate plans with each other.
• Don't make the holidays a gift giving competition—no need to one up each other.
• The best gift you can give your child is to be in accord with each other and not let them hear you argue.
• Don’t allow mind to work over time wth "poor me"—don’t go to a dark place. Surround yourself with friends and family, start new traditions, don’t dwell on past, pamper yourself.
• Instead focus on its a new me and a new chapter!! Get help if necessary to deal with the emotions you are feeling. That is a great gift to yourself and your children.

Caroling is Not Out of Date

One of "my kids" (which refers to a large number of my kids' friends that I claim but don't have to pay for their weddings or bail them out of jail) sent me this one. She is a terrific mom to an adorable, very busy little guy named Brooks.

I thought caroling was a thing of the past: I am so glad to see it has not gone completely away. Of course the immediate question that comes to mind is "how much moonshine is involved?"

Maybe I can talk my kids into it--of course in their in-laws' neighborhoods instead of mine.

Cat wrote:
All 21 of us go to NC to Winston Salem just like the Grizzwalds. RV and all. Christmas Eve we get all bundled up and go carol around my aunts neighborhood (not one of us can carry a tune and we forget half the words).
After embarrassing my aunt pretty good we come in and warm up and watch old Christmas family videos and talk about them all.
Then the kids open a gift.
Suddenly Santa (usually the new guy of the family) appears and tells the kids merry Christmas and to go to bed...
Then the neighbors hear the commotion and come out with their kids and Santa is busy for a bit. Usually gets attacked or chased by a small dog too:)
Then we wake up Christmas morning to all the Santa gifts and the real fun begins.
Brooks and I also make all our gifts and do arts and crafts to make it REAL special from the heart.

For Holidays that are Sometimes Sad

With all the rushing around to decorate, buy gifts, pull out those Christmas sweaters, and bake those once-a-year cookies. it is often hard to keep the sprituality of the season in mind. It is also a time that is sad for many who have lost loved ones or suffered a tragedy at this time of year in the past.

One person I know found a way to confront those feelings in her family and was willing to share it with all of you. It is a wonderful idea and I am sure filled with emotion.

Heidi's tradition:
The one thing that seems to help is our Christmas Box. It's a simple shoebox (heaven knows I have plenty of those) I decorated that we use to put little thought into. These little messages are written sometime before dinner and we take time read them out loud on Christmas day during desert when everyone is too full to leave the table.

I usually assign a family member to make sure that everyone writes at least one thing to put in the box. The tradition started in 1994 on the anniversary of my mother's death.

The messages can be to loved ones we have lost, to one another around the table, they can be memories of Christmases past, our favorite holiday, vacation, or gift or just about anything. It just needs to be something that stirs our emotions and also conversation.

The only thing better than our Christmas Box is our Thanksgiving Box. My family looks forward to this part of the day I think more than even opening presents. It is sometimes very gut wrenching, but I can tell you that no one in my family has ever had to have therapy! It has brought us closer together and it is even more fun when you see people really get into it.

Buckeyes or Rudolph--Do We Have to Choose?

During my quest for holiday traditions, I received some great ideas and some recipes. So many people wanted to share what they do with others. I believe it is because these are constants in our lives. Not just constants, but they are embedded in our hearts as joyful, peaceful times. These are things we look forward to--no matter what is going on around us.

A third grade teacher (Tiffany) wrote in and offered her family's customs. She is soon to be a first time mom and can't wait to start tradtions of her own.

And Natalie's family has a tradition that starts off the holiday season in her home.

Tiffany wrote:
My favorite Christmas memories include:
My mother, grandmother, aunts and cousins getting together to make Christmas candy. Our favorite was peanut butter balls (buckeyes). (see below for recipe--Pat)
Of course…decorating the house for the holidays.
Santa Claus…he came every year until I was 25!! It was a big deal to me as a child and we just continued the tradition in fun.
The fact that gifts were truly a surprise was very special and magical. I see a lot of people taking their kids shopping and there are no suprises…NO FUN!!!

Natalie:
Each year after we return home from Thanksgiving festivities, we watch the lighting of Macy's tree. The next day we get up early-go tree hunting-come home to decorate and then make hot choclate and watch Rudolph.

Recipes for Buck Eyes:
Soft stick of margarine
8oz jar of PB (Small Jar)
1 box powdered sugar

Mix ingredients together with hands make small spheres out of the mixture. The smaller the better because you get good chocolate to peanut butter ratio. If they are too big, they are not as good. About the width of your thumb.

Melt some “Candy Quick” Chocolate. Only melt about ¼ of the package in the microwave at a time because it will cool too quickly and will scorch if you have to reheat too many times.

Use a tooth pick to dip peanut butter balls into the chocolate. Do not dip completely…leave a small area near the toothpick without chocolate…(This gives that “buckeye” look)

Allow them to cool and enjoyJ

Some of the Best Holiday Customs are the Simplest

One of my listeners, and a former guest, on the show lives in central NY state. Her children have left home to start new lives but they are still a very close family and will all be together this year for Christmas. Here is what she had to say.

From Anne:

This year, with all of us being home, I hope that we'll follow with our traditions of Cutting down the tree and decorating as a family,
Going for a family hike around our favorite lake,
Enjoying sliced fresh oranges, Christmas cookies and coffee while we open gifts,
Going to the Christmas Eve candlelight service (weather permitting up here in Central NY)
Watching the DVD "It's a Wonderful Life"

Anne also had another great idea that is not expensive and is very meaningful. It takes a little effort, but would be worth it down the road.

One of our traditions is to send a photo page with captions of our family happenings. We have many relatives and friends around the country, and this keeps them in touch with what we are doing - and how we are looking - especially how the kids have grown. What I have found now is how wonderful it is to have a record of this over the years. I have put each card and photo page into an album as a memory book. Delightful record of our family history!

Everyone Needs Anchovies for Christmas

Reading all of my radio show listeners' holiday traditions has been so interesting--especially the ones that are vastly different than mine. The following is a Sicilian tradition--and there is a great recipe at the end.

From Chris:
Growing up in an Italian house (mom from Naples, dad from Sicily) we celebrated the Feast of the Seven Fishes. This is not a Catholic tradition but an Italian one; yet its only celebrated in central Italy, near Rome and down through Sicily. The Seven represents the Seven Virtures (faith, hope, charity, temperance, prudence, fortitude and justice).

In our home the tradition was Anchovies, Baccala (dry, salty fish) Shrimp, Calamari & Whitefish. I'm missing two. My mom passed 10 years ago and since the kids are grown, I had to modify or Eddy would be eating fish until the following year! But we do abstain from meat for that day.
(from Pat: I researched the fish for this feast and the most common are: Baccala, Calamari, Shrimp, Clams, Crab, Whitefish, and Mussels/Oysters)

Dessert on that day is only Struffoli. Fried Dough that is dredged in honey (nothing like a zappola or funnel cake) These are small round balls that are hand rolled and extremely addicting.

Recipe for Struffoli:
This is a receipe as it was given to me.
4 C flour 1/2 t Salt 3 T Baking Powder2 T unsalted Butter (room temp) 6 Eggs (room temp) Oil for Frying Honey
Non-Peril candies

Mix all dry ingredients, cut in butter with your hands. Guess I should have said, wash hands first! Make a well and add eggs one at a time and mix well. (Still with hands...its messy but when you use the mixer they come out hard). Knead on floured board for about 10 minutes. Once mixed, cut into 4 sections and work with one section at a time. Place unused portion in a dish and cover with damp paper towel until ready to use.

Pinch off pieces of dough and roll in palm of hand. (About the size of a chick pea) Once two portions are used, fry in oil (not olive) until golden. Remove from heat, pat in paper towels and let sit in collander. Hint: Do not fill the fry pan, these will expand.

After your fried those two batches, discard oil and start the next two. When all are completed, put approximately 2 Cups of honey in a sauce pan and heat. Once heated pour over Struffoli and stir well coating all. Sprinkle non-perils (little balls) over. Form into Christmas trees...

Fact: I usually can't form because everyone is standing around waiting to devour these things but the truth is, I cant make them stand. They fall. I don't know what she did different. Over the years I add a bit more butter and 2 T of sugar. I use Danish Butter when I make these only because I have it on hand from Christmas Baking. AND... use the more expensive honey.

Enjoy ya'll!!

Looking for Dead People at Christmas?

Continuing in the theme of Christmas traditions, I want to share these with you today. The first one is from my friend, author and, singer Norma Stanley.

This is a tradition I have never associated with this season, but it makes sense. Aftrer having sent this to me, she has decided to re-institute this in her home.

For that I am grateful. This is one of those traditions handed down throughout generations in families and should not be lost. The sentiment is warm and wonderful and is part of her heritage.

The second one is from author, Debra Shiveley Welch. It is at once cost effective and keeps the Spirit of Christmas alive in their hearts.

from Norma:
Here's a Christmas tradition that I grew up with...I haven't been following it with my own family, but my mom still does. My family is from the Caribbean and every Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, my mother and grandmother would set the kitchen table with our good china, food (wine, brandy, cheese, bread and other good things that only people from the Caribbean would recognize). The food would be laid out late at night just before everyone went to bed.

When I asked why they did that, they said it was for those beloved family members who had passed (I'm assuming they were angels--although my mom called them the "good dead"), who were watching over us, so they could have a holiday dinner also. It used to freak me out as a kid because I always thought that if I came downstairs in the middle of the night to get a drink or something, I would see ghosts sitting at the kitchen table eating! (Laugh)..What also used to freak me out, was my oldest sister would eat the food in the morning!

from Debra:
Pat, the main tradition I can think of is that Mark, Chris and I give each other three gifts. That's it. Why? Because Jesus received three gifts on the first Christmas. So, Mark, for instance, gets one from me, one from Chris and one from me and Chris together.

What Are Your Holiday Traditions?

I needed a show for this week on Parents Rule! because something came up and my guest had to reschedule. Being the holiday season, I thought it would be fun to talk about some traditions that families have. So I sent out a mass email requesting comments and the response has been overwhelming.

It is not a certainty that I can get all of the great ideas (and recipes) on one show, so I am going to do a series from my listeners' ways of celebrating this season of the year. So enjoy and sent me your traditions for inclusion.


From Tara in the Atlanta area:
I learned a game from my best friend called "hide the pickle". We have a pickle ornament that we take turns hiding in the tree. And we take turns who will hide and who will find the pickle. When you find the pickle, you get a small gift that is under the tree during the week before Christmas.

I make a Greek Memorial called Koliva, attached, and make some variations to this recipe adding pomegranate seeds, and a few other things. Koliva is used for the Orthodox tradition in the Church to remember those in our families that have passed, one year, three years, etc. I use it at Christmas for our family members.

Koliva Recipe:
1 C hulled wheat ( lb.)
4 C water
1/2 - 3/4 C chopped nuts (walnuts, almonds, pistachios, etc.)
1/2 - 3/4 C raisins, golden or regular
1/4 C chopped fresh parsley or mint (optional)
1 tsp. cinnamon
For the topping:
1 C fine crumbs of zwieback or graham crackers
1 C sifted powdered sugar
1/4 - 1/2 lb. white Jordan Almonds (sugar-coated almonds)

The day before the Memorial Service:
Rinse and drain the wheat. Cook it as you would rice, for about 1 to 1 hours. Do not overcook so that the grains explode. Since there is more water in the cooking than there would be for rice, check the wheat as it's cooking for doneness.
Pour the hot wheat into a large or two smaller colanders.
When drained, put the wheat into a large bowl. Cover the wheat with very cold water to stop the cooking.
Allow the wheat to drain overnight.

The morning of the Memorial Service:
In a large bowl mix the wheat with the cinnamon, nuts, raisins, and parsley or mint.
Transfer the mixture to the bowl to be taken to Church. Place a piece of waxed paper on top of the mixture and flatten the top so that it is evenly distributed.
Sprinkle the zwieback or graham cracker crumbs evenly over the wheat mixture. This keeps the moisture from the powdered sugar layer.
Sift the powdered sugar atop the crumb layer.
Use the Jordan almonds to form a cross atop the powdered sugar. The edge of the bowl can be lined with Jordan almonds if desired.
Cover the bowl with plastic wrap.

Plan to be at Church before Liturgy begins so that you can give the bowl and your list of names of your deceased family and friends to the priest. A candle is often placed in the bowl and lit during the memorial service.

© 1999 by Orthodox Family Life and the original author(s). URL: http://www.theologic.com/oflweb. This web site is donated and maintained by TheoLogic Systems, which provides software and information tools for Orthodox Christians and parishes world wide.

Socially Networking Teachers

I just read a post by my friend, Bev Mahone regarding teachers and social networking sites. http://babyboomerbev.blogspot.com/2008/12/your-teacher-hates-your-child.html

It offers insight to a problem few people know exists. Do I think teachers should be able to have MySpace and Facebook sites? Sure I do. They are human and want to keep up with their friends and family. I love having my kids on MySpace and now some of the grandkids on. I can keep up with photos, what is happening in their lives, and vice versa. It is a great tool.

Like any tool, it needs to be used correctly. My parents always taught me that my rights to say and do things end when they intrude on someone else's. Any teacher stupid enough to say on a networking site that she hates her students should expect reactions, just as if she had said it in the classroom. Any teacher who has students as friends and posts revealing photos of herself should also expect to hear about it.

One of my favorite sayings is that "common sense ain't so common." But, hey people, buy some sense and be careful what you put in print!