Kids of Divorce Have Special Holiday Needs

Children whose parents are divorced face special issues during holidays. They are shifted from one home to another, often only getting to play with new toys for a few minutes before having to leave them to move on.

It is sometimes difficult for them to know where they fit in. For instance, if they live with one parent who is re-married and has other kids with that spouse, it is easy to feel like an outsider. Also they feel like an outsider with the non-custodial parent and that new family. Part of each, but not wholly either one.

My ex and I worked this out in a unique way and it was great for the kids. The first year he was supposed to have them Christmas morning, they were really upset wondering how Santa would find them. He approached me about an idea he had.

From that year on, the kids were always at my house for Christmas morning. Santa knew where to come and they were "at home." But he was there also. My ex would sometimes come over very early before the kids woke up or sometimes he spent the night on the couch. If it was his year to have them, then they left with him after opening presents and having breakfast. If it was my year, then he left after breakfast.

So Christmas was always a family affair and we were all together. The kids are grown now and he and I both have wonderful partners to share our lives with. But we are still all together for every holiday, not just Christmas. The family is just a little bigger now.

When I asked for information about holiday traditions, my friend Rosalind Sedacca www.childcentereddivorce.com wrote back with these tips for parents who are divorced to make life easier for the children:

• Remember that 25 % of kids live with only one parent
• Many others are going back and forth with joint custody
• Keeping some old rituals alive will maintain a stability that your child needs
• It is great also to start some new traditions—new songs, new foods, new visiting, creating decorations together, whatever you can think of--will help the child to move on with the changes in the lifestyle
• Don’t bad mouth the ex especially during this time of year. It does no one any good and puts the children in the impossible position of feeling like they have to choose between you
• Regarding holiday plans, talk together alone and don’t bring in kids until decisions are made. Of course as they get older they may have some plans that need to be taken into account.
• Be flexible—schedules can change. Have a game plan for unforeseen events.
• Keep a civil tone with each other. Maybe he did not get them home at exactly 6 pm, but maybe it was out of his control--or his parents had a hard time saying good bye. Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
• Reflecting a cooperative spirit teaches your child how to handle situations in an adult way.
• Let child make age appropriate decisions—no more power than they need Keep choices to a minimum Communicate plans with each other.
• Don't make the holidays a gift giving competition—no need to one up each other.
• The best gift you can give your child is to be in accord with each other and not let them hear you argue.
• Don’t allow mind to work over time wth "poor me"—don’t go to a dark place. Surround yourself with friends and family, start new traditions, don’t dwell on past, pamper yourself.
• Instead focus on its a new me and a new chapter!! Get help if necessary to deal with the emotions you are feeling. That is a great gift to yourself and your children.