Peaceful Divorce is Best for the Kids

The more you focus on anger, the more anger you will feel. Focus on the children now instead.
Belinda Rachman (guest on Parents Rule! radio show http://www.divorce-inaday.com

If you have listened to Parents Rule! radio show or read this blog any time at all, you know that this is a pet subject of mine. Divorce is terrible. It is devastating for all involved. There are times when there really is no other choice—it takes two committed people to save a troubled marriage and no marriage should remain intact when abuse is present.

Peaceful divorce is hard to find because when you finally arrive at that stage, there is a lot of anger on both sides. But please, look at the faces of your children. Feel their pain. Put yourself in their place. What is best for them? That is where your focus should be. If divorce is best, then make it as easy on them as possible.

They love both of the parents and are being ripped away from one of them. It is not their fault, but they are the most affected. Please keep their emotional well being first and foremost in your thoughts and actions during this time. Mediation is a peaceful way to come to the end of a marriage. Find ways to be civil to each other—for the sake of your children.

If there is a chance to save the marriage, take it. Marriage is not supposed to be disposable, especially when children are involved. Do the hard work and remember why you married that person in the first place, Find those qualities again. It is very hard being a single parent—on both parents and on the kids.

If divorce is the only answer for you, whatever you do, focus on the kids. When you focus your attention away from your immediate pain to their needs, you find that you make better decisions for all of you. Give a little, get a little. Constantly remind the kids that both parents still love them and always will. They cannot hear that enough. And, most important, remind them over and over that it is not their fault.

No Way My Child Has Learning Problem!

A great many children have problems of some sort in learning. It could be ADD, where he has a problem with attetion level. She might have a hearing problem, making learning difficult. Personally, I must have some degree of dyscalculia, which is results in problems with arithmetic and math concepts. There is no telling how many times I told my father that math wasn't logical and didn't make sense. Obviously, Dad, the engineer, totally disagreed with me. And I wholeheartedly feel that dysgraphia (a disorder that results in illegibility) is a requirement to enter med school.

The point is that whether your child has a serious dyslexia or has poor reading comprehension, the worst thing parents can do is to ignore the problem by convincing themselves that it will be outgrown someday. Actually, the earlier the intervention begins, the better the result. Issues are being discovered at earlier ages nowadays and kids can get a step up before even starting elementary school.

Having a issue with learning does reflect poorly on parents or environment. It simply is. A great number of very famous people have had learning issues. Beethoveen, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Walt Disney, and Ansel Adams are a few known to every household. Just because someone has a hurdle to jump, it doesn't mean they are stuck at the starting gate.

As parents, we have the main role in helping our kids overcome the challenges of life and this is just one of them. Stay connected to your child, the teachers, the therapists, and the doctors. No one knows your child like you do. You will know what is best for them, so stick to your guns. The only thing you can do wrong is to do nothing.

This week's guest on Parents Rule!, Jeanne Gehret http://www.verbalimagespress.com states that parents should "Emphasize that he can overcome these difficulties by using different ways to learn, and that he will receive plenty of help. " Be your child's cheerleader and advocate. You will all benefit in the long run.

As a matter of fact, a couple of weeks ago I was flipping TV channels and heard the words "my learning disability" so I stopped to listen. It was a discussion between Bill O'Reilly (who admits to dyslexia) and Glen Beck (who has ADD). They were talking about the challenges they had to overcome and how the "disability" had been a major factor in their success. It was a very interesting discussion. Like them or hate them, they are both very successful and they give a large part of that credit to what they learned as a result of having a "learning disability."

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Heroic Acts Protect Family

Imagine you are planning a family Thanksgiving and the week before a shooter comes into your home intent on killing you. Now imagine finding out he already killed another beloved family member. This is not make believe. This is what happened to a young couple that I love like they are my own kids, Scott and Tiffany.

Tiffany's half sister broke up with her boyfriend (who I will refer to as Evil Guy), but he did not think that was what she really wanted. So Evil Guy broke into her father's house, kidnapping her at knife point. She was able to escape a day or so later and went back home. But Evil Guy had warned her that he would kill her family if she left, and sure enough, he showed up at her dad's house to do just that. As the girl escaped (thanks to a warning) to Scott and Tiffany's, her father met the young man in the front yard to try to talk him down. For his efforts the man was shot dead in his own yard.

Using her father's cell phone, Evil Guy called the girl and told her that he was coming for her. They attempted to escape the house but he arrived too soon. So Tiff, her baby, and her sister hid in the attic. Three other female friends hid in other parts of the house. Scott prepared for the arrival and before long a gun battle ensued in which Scott was shot in the abdomen.

Despite the angry wound, Scott was able to wrestle with Evil Guy for about 20 minutes until the police arrived. Scott was prepared to give his life to protect his wife, baby, and sister-in-law. He is an honest-to-God hero in my book. They captured the man and the family is doing its best to heal from the horrific ordeal. Just imagine the horror and fear they were subjected to by this terrible man--not knowing if they would survive the next few minutes.

And where, you ask, were the police? We don't know. Despite repeated 911 calls from Scott and the girls, no car was dispatched until the alarm company contacted them after the break-in. Had they come when first called, they would have arrived at Scott's house before Evil Guy. He would not have been shot. The women would not have had to listen to the battle, fearing for all their lives.

But the good news is that there was only one fatality instead of seven due to the heroism of two fathers prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for the safety of their families. One did give his life; the other will survive the belly wound. The emotional scars will take much longer to heal for the family. Please pray for them.

I am very proud Scott is one of "my boys". His courage was great. Ambroze Redmoon said "courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear". To Scott, his family was that something more important. I take my hat off to him.

Are We a Government of the People, or Not?

Society in every state is a blessing, but government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one.
Thomas Paine, from Common Sense

Our government is sticking its fingers into every aspect of our lives. Our founding fathers did not want that. Our current elected officials in DC have forgotten that our founders wanted individuals and states to be more powerful than the federal government. For the most part, our Representatives and Senators have been inoculated with the DC vaccine that prevents them from caring about you and me.

As leaders, they believe they are untouchable. But we have a strong way to fight back. Let’s stop re-electing the same foolish and arrogant people. Just because they have a famous name or have been in office a long time does not mean they are doing a good job.

Look at the voting record of your elected officials. It’s not that hard. I get an email every week from http://www.congress.org. It tells me what my representatives and senators voted on and how they voted. It also tells me what upcoming votes there are so I can call them in a timely fashion if I want to let them know how want them to vote.

Remember, they are there to represent us but they cannot do that if we don’t tell them what we want. We have a responsibility to speak out, know the issues, research them, and vote. It is imperative that, as parents, we do this. So much of what we decide as voters affects them more than us.

Set a good example for our kids. Talk to them about civics and current events. Encourage them to be active. We are in this mess now because of apathy. We are the only way out.

It is time we take our constitutionally guaranteed power of the people back from Washington!

The Best Part of Me

You're the best part of me
The best that I am
Or ever will be
You, baby, you're the part
That allows me to open my heart
And let love inside
I want you to know
What I've always known
You're the best part of me.
from the song, You Are The Best Part of Me. Sung by Neil Diamond

Working in my office this morning, I had Neil Diamond music on in the background. I found myself listening to the words of this song and my mind drifted to my children. Memories of childhoods, pranks, talks, activities, and more popped into my consciousness.

I remembered times when my marriage was going bad, or when it was simply gone, and loneliness engulfed me. You, my children, were there for me. You gave me unasked for hugs, sticky kisses, and unconditional love. Even now, so many years later, the joy of that love makes me warm. You could not have known the pain I was in, but you soothed me.

And you kept me grounded and moving. There was never time to wallow in self-pity or spend weeks in bed. There were lunches to make and bottoms to wipe. There were games and practices to attend and hair to brush. Day by day, you kept me busy and I healed. You were the medicine that made me whole again.

Everyday you made me lots of things--tired, happy, frustrated, proud. But mostly you made me smile and laugh, even when I thought I would never smile and laugh again. When I felt unloveable and unable to love, you would show me that I could love because I loved you all so much. Your boundless love made me realize that I was loveable. Who needed therapy when I had you all?

I see you all now and realize that there are a few scars from your childhoods, and for that I am sorry. But mostly I see warm, caring adults who are better than I ever was at your ages. I see people who are making this world a more wonderful place, one person at a time. Sometimes, I marvel at the fact that you came from my body and wonder how that could be.

Truly, you are the best part of me.

What To Do With a Pile of Crap

I think you need to...focus on the wonder that is you…..Celebrate your marvelous existence…Perhaps that sounds difficult now, while every cell in your body is recovering from your pilgrimage….give yourself time to mourn. Be patient and compassionate with yourself, then do it. Cross over the threshold.
Mary Anne, from the book, When the Piano Stops by Catherine McCall

Each of us has crap to get over in our lives. Sometimes it is a big pile of crap. Sometimes it is a small pile of crap. But it is our crap and, therefore, important to us personally. Losing yourself to it only prevents you from seeing the glory of you. You are unique and special. Don't believe anyone who tells you different! You have a purpose in life that is wonderful and is only yours.

So let go of the crap. I hear you—it is easier said than done. But let it go. If it is a grudge against someone, forgive them. We don’t know what is in their hearts or their lives. But we do know ours. Remember that no two objects can fill the same space, so where hate and anger exists, there cannot be love. It may diminish your ability to love a little or a lot, depending on how much you are hanging on to.

If you focus on that anger rather than being truly happy, then the other person has control over you. So they have hurt you and now you have ceded control to them. Is that what you really want? And the rest of the sad news is that your anger and hate does not affect its object one iota. The only one it affects is you. So, as Mary Anne says in the book, Celebrate yourself and cross over the threshold into forgiveness.

When you do cross through that door, remember to slam it shut and lock it so it never again damages your life.

Parenting Lessons from Ted Kennedy

First let me say that I am on a way different political spectrum from Ted Kennedy and he continually pissed me off while he was in the Senate. Having said that, as I watched the TV spectacle over his demise, it was evident to me that his actions could be used to inspire others to become better parents.

What are you talking about Pat? You just said you disagreed with the guy. Yes, but like everyone else, he had his good points also. So here is my list of How to be a Better Parent, Thanks to Ted Kennedy:

• Be there with your kids. Ted, having lost 3 brothers, took up the slack and became a surrogate dad for all of his nieces and nephews, as well as being a dad to his own kids. Over and over this past week I heard about how he was at every birthday, every graduation, every recital, every everything that was important to all these kids. It is impressive when a person can do that for their own kids, but add in a bunch of others and it is an impressive record. Just the fact that it was mentioned frequently showed how much it meant to all of the kids.
• Have special times with your kids. Each member of Kennedy clan can tell a story about how he went out of his way for them or made them feel special in some way. Can your kids say that about you?
• Instill patriotism in your kids. Several stories were told about how Ted told patriotic stories and read patriotic poems to the kids at various times throughout the year. Although he and I disagreed about what in the best interest of this country, it is apparent that he loved it. He displayed that love to all "his" kids.
• Make learning US history fun. This ties into the previous point. Ted organized a big day trip every year for the entire Kennedy clan. Well, it was his idea--I am sure his staff did the actual organizing. But they all went somewhere every year to learn about our history--battlefields, museums, tours, etc. What a great time for the whole family and they learned something in the meantime. Great idea!
• Teach perserverance. Many of the stories about Ted Kennedy desribed his determination to achieve his goals. Whether it was trying get a piece of legislation passed or winning a saliboat race, he did not give up. Setbacks would occur and he kept trudging ahead. With that attitude, you will win some and lose some, but the wins will far exceed the losses. And he modeled that in words and deeds to the young Kennedys who were watching him.
• Tolerance should be a lifestyle. Understand that others may not agree with you. I heard some Republican leaders tell stories about how he would argue them blue about a topic of discussion. Then he would find a way to create an atmosphere in which a compromise could be achieved. Or, if they were still to disagree, he did not let it interfere with a friendship. When bitterness creeps into differing opinions then no good can come from it. It is only with an open mind that important changes can be made. For instance, the best legislation from our Congress has always been a bi-partisan effort. In that all the needs of all the people have been addressed. That cannot happen when our elected officials stick to partisanship instead of tolerance and understanding and a desire for the greater good.
• Be a friend. This is such an important lesson for parents to teach kids, especially when we may not be the best example. But Ted Kennedy knew how to be a friend. Tale after tale was told about how when this person was going through surgery, Ted was the first person to call. Or how when that person lost a loved one, Ted was the first to be there at the door to offer a hug and a word of condolence. Many stories were told about him doing those things in the last year, as he was so ill himself. Children see these actions and will either learn from them or from their absence.
• Family is the most important thing in our lives. The whole Kennedy clan is an example of this, as are many families throughout our country. We see that with the Jackson family--throughout all of Michael's issues, the family stood together. My ex-husband's family in Tennessee is one of the best examples of family love I have ever seen. The Hawkins family members understand that they are blood--a bond that cannot be broken. No matter what happens, good or bad, they are always a family. If there are squabbles, (and what family doesn't have them?) they don't hold grudges and they find a way to bring understanding and peace. God forbid anything bad happen to any one in that type of family, but if it does, they come together in a united front to defeat the enemy--person, disease, situation, or whatever. It is so freeing to know that no matter what you do, you cannot lose the love and support of the family. Even when my ex and I split up, they made sure I knew that I was still a welcome member of that family and have had close ties to them over the years that we have been divorced. It is that unity that I saw in the Kennedys. And I hope you have the blessing of that kind of family. If not, it is not too late to start.

Trust me, I am not going to apply for his cannonization. He had plenty of warts and errors in his life--as do we all. But I see some traits in the man that I could admire--traits that will make our kids better adults and better citizens in this wonderful country we all love.

Parents Rule or UN Rule?

I know no safe depository of the ultimate powers of society but the people themselves, and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education.
Thomas Jefferson

Today on Parents Rule! my guest, Michael Farris and I are discussing the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. As titled, it is an innocuous sounding treaty. What kind of monster does not want children to be protected from evil and injustice? However, this document goes way beyond that and begins to interfere in the ability of a mom or dad to do their job as a parent.

Under the provisions, a child can take a parent to cout any time they disagree with a rule or restriction put on the child's behavior. Aren't the kids today too out of control as it is? Also, the wording in several areas of this document are very vague and open to interpretation. Who will do the interpreting? An 18 person panel in Geneva. And, if ratified, the treaty supersedes US law. Who else has a problem with that? And what does "an enforceable right to leisure" mean?

Central to our society is the parent-child relationship. The role of the parent does not end with childbirth. We are also to be the teacher and protector of our children. It is not the job of government to do that, nor is it the job of people from another country.

Children do not fit nicely into cookie cutter rules where what is right for one is right for all. They are individuals with individual personalities and purposes on this earth. No one can help a child prepare for adult life more than an informed, loving parent. No one living in another continent can or should make decisions about my child’s needs. They do not know my child, or me.

Parents must have the ability to guide, set boundaries, and enforce those boundaries as they see fit—naturally without abuse. What I am talking about are the majority of parents; those who care deeply for the best interest of their children. It is vital that parents start making a stand now for the future of our children and grandchildren.

The proposed Constitutional amendment, called the Parents Rights Amendment, will protect us even if the treaty is ratified. Check it out at http://www.parentalrights.org. And let me hear what you think.

Wacko Jacko or Mistreated Michael?

Michael Jackson. Just saying his name evokes emotions in people--worship, envy, sadness, disgust, revulsion, love, hate, pity, and many more. To me, I don't understand this man-boy who seemed to never grow up. I forget who in the memorial service called him Peter Pan, but that is how I have always seen him.

Was he guilty of molesting young boys? Was he inappropriate? By our standards, he was inappropriate, but what were his standards? Was he being honest when he said he was just showing them pure love, not sexual love? None of us will ever know because we were not present. In my mind, he may have been trying to give what he did not receive as a child.

What I do believe is that somewhere in his past, abuse took place. There were many stories of his father's abuse when the kids were growing up and, again, we will never know the truth. But something happened to that cute little guy who sang on the Ed Sullivan Show so many years ago. And, as parents, we need to see Michael as an example of what can happen when we do not take care of the little ones in our charge. The reasons I believe that there was abuse are:

• the self mutilation he inflicted on himself with the mulitple plastic surgeries, always trying to make himself another person,
• the fact that he appeared to be arrested in his emotional development and was childlike for his entire life,
• he always wanted to be surrounded by children that he could love,
• every photo I have ever seen of Michael and his parents shows him leaning away from his father (of course I have not seen all the photos and that could be wrong),
• and the Jackson children are all so careful and so quick to circle the wagons around one that is in trouble, especially Michael. That does not mean that abuse occurred but it is a symptom.

I do respect the fact that he lived his life the way he wanted and did not let the criticism affect how he did things. I am sure he took it to heart and was pained by it, but he remained true to himself. Too many times we see former child stars who have serious issues with drugs or emotions or relationships. Why is that? I think it because they have been put too soon into an adult world for which they are not prepared.

Parents, pay attention to how you interact with your kids. This is especially true if they are a prodigy or have a special gift. Don't push them into adulthood too soon. Let them be kids. Love them and hold them. Let them play and be silly. If they have a gift, they will do it naturally and they will love it. Let them lead you on how involved they want to be. Of course, encourage them and provide opportunity for them to pursue the talent. But don't rob them of their precious innocent childhood.

Let Me Introduce You to...

Nathanael Knox Hawkins, born 3 weeks early and these photos are the day after he was born. Pretty alert, don'cha think? He was 6 lbs. 14 oz and 20 in. long, but that decreased to 19 1/4 in. once his head came back to normal after being pushed in the birth canal. His dad kept making jokes about how much of his brain he uses and that he was an alien baby--obviously watches too much of the Sci Fi channel and not enough of the shows about childbirth. However, you can see that his Mema is pretty happy to see him and show him off for the camera.

Obviously he will be like his daddy who thinks he is late if he is 15 minutes early. On time is very late and actually late is totally unacceptable. My son, Nathanael's dad, called me late one evening and said that he and his wife thought something was happening. After a couple of questions it was clear that her water had broken and off to Northside Hospital we all flew.

He was born the next day and has been a terrific little baby...that is until yesterday! That was the day he peed on me. Totally unacceptable. He was doing some tummy time on my tummy and suddenly this warm wet feeling started growing on my abdomen. Sure enough, he had gotten me.

But at my age, I am just glad it wasn't me that peed on me.

More grandson updates in later posts...

Everybody dance now...!

If you have ever had a family vacation at Hilton Head Island, SC, I hope you spent an evening under the stars listening to and singing along with Dave Kemmerly and his guitar on the deck at The Salty Dog in Sea Pines.

Monty and I love to sit back, have a beverage of choice and listen to Dave play fun songs and interact with the audience. Kids of all ages get up and "dance to the music." This year we were blessed to share this with grandsons who really enjoyed the dancing and singing and eating ice cream on the deck.

Parents can relax and watch kids run around and meet new friends to dance with. Everyone shares the job of watching out for the kids and they never get out of sight. The kids enjoy dancing with mom and dad, swirling in circles, twirling around a pole, and doing all sorts of creative dance moves that I don't think Broadway has seen before.

Sometimes we are treated to a song by some of the youngsters. It is something you will never forget as Dave shares his mike with kids who have such great songs as Happy Birthday, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and a variety of Hanna Montana vocalizations. They have such a great time, sometimes he has a little trouble getting the microphone back from their ice-cream-sticky fingers.

This is a time and place I can feel completely at peace and just feel the stressors of life lift off as I join the rest of the crowd in sing-alongs and laugh while watching the antics of the kids.

Has anyone out there been to hear Dave? Do you have a Salty Dog T-shirt? If not, and you ever get a chance, don't let it pass you by. It will be an evening you will want to repeat over and over. I know we do.

You can find out more about Dave at www.facebook.com/davekemmerly. Tell him you heard about him from me. I don't get anything out of it, just thought I would share one of the great memory making places in the USA.

I know you all think I never work, but I do. However, I want to have balance and so I play every chance I get and want to encourage you to do the same. In the words of a great country song, "I Hope You Dance."

Where is John Wayne When You Need Him?

With Memorial Day facing us in a few weeks, my thoughts have been on the derogatory things we hear in the news about our country. My father fought in WWII so we would have peace and freedom. I was born soon after the war was over and the country was still celebrating our victory, as well as getting back to normalcy.

When I was in school, we learned patriotic songs and I watched John Wayne in movies portraying what is good and clean and wonderful about the USA. Where is the modern day John Wayne? Is anyone else tired of having Hollywood and politicians apologize for our country?

This country we call home is the most loving and generous of any in the world. If you don't believe it, just look to see who is first to help other countries in times of disaster. It is us, even if they are our enemies. The citizens of this country will rally around another part of the country or town or neighborhood when they need help. No one asks why or hesitates. We just do what we feel we need to do.

Our military is the same way. I am very insulted for them by the recent comments calling the returning soldiers more dangerous to our country than the terrorists. Yes, there will be a rare soldier or sailor who is adversely affected by war--that has always been the case. But the majority of our military men and women are doing a job they feel they must do. They, like my father, are trying to keep us safe and I am extremely grateful to them.

Most of them will come back to the private sector with new skills and a renewed sense of responsibility and purpose. They are valued employees and loving family members. An appreciation of this country and what we stand for is found in the deserts, mountains, and forests of battle. Love of family and God is renewed in foxholes. Gratitude for the privileges we enjoy in the US is discovered by seeing other cultures in which freedom and independence of thought and spirit are not allowed. We not only allow all these things, but we encourage and celebrate them. These are the qualities our military bring home with them.

I remember being appalled that my kids did not learn patriotic songs in school like I did. So we sang them in the car going to grandma's or to practice. It is past time for parents to fill that need. Our children hear on the news what is wrong with our country. They hear actors and singers and even teachers denigrating our country. It is our responsibility to set the record straight for our kids. Tell them what is right here. Tell them that freedom is not enjoyed by all people and that we are privieged that our ancestors fought bitterly for it. Explain that freedom does not come without a price and that occasionally it must be re-won.

We must explain to our kids that we are not perfect but we are always about what is good. Since the government is run by people, mistakes will be made. Yes, there are politicians who are in it for the power and money, but our constitution's system of checks and balances prevents them from doing too much harm. And we need to teach them that there is no better form of government anywhere in the world.

Show the children in our care how anyone can achieve greatness or riches or happiness--or all three in our country. It takes drive and hard work, but they can do whatever they dream. That is true in very few other countries. There are so many examples in our history we can use to drive home those lessons.

Let's instill pride of country into our kids rather than shame. Admonish them to vote and participate in the processes that make our country unique. Encourage them to dream about and reach for the stars. Let's teach them to be part of the solution--part of making our country even better tomorrow than is was yesterday.

Baby Beach Bum

Doesn't this picture just beg for a blog? Logan is so relaxed--not asleep, but chillin' and enjoying being wheeled around. Life is great for him. His every need is being cared for by loving parents, and occasionally, by doting grandparents and aunts and uncles.

I started to think about the times in my life when I have been this relaxed. What about you? What relaxes you?

For me, laying on the beach on a perfect day--not too hot, not too cold--a breeze blowing, the sound of sea gulls and kids laughing and playng (not mine so I don't have to care what they are doing) in the distance, the sound of the surf lapping at the shore. That will do it for me.

Sometimes I can get like that with meditation, but not always. And usually when I am picturing myself at the beach (see above paragraph).

I have felt like that sitting around with friends laughing and talking nonsense--camping, at home, at an outing. Just forgetting the problems of the world for a short period of time and living in the moment. Jimmy Buffett has a song called I Love the Now which describes being in the moment--not worried about the past or the future. We should all try to do that more often.

Sitting on a rock by a mountain stream hypnotized by the flow of the current and the quiet sounds of the forest around me. The cool air and the woodsy smells add to the charm.

So what makes you this peaceful? Another of my grandsons, Benton, was being pushed in a stroller and was also loving it. I told him it was his turn to push me and he looked shocked and that he couldn't do that. I said that he could because he was now 3 and a big boy. He thought for a minute and then told me, "Mema, I am still a little big boy." He wins.

I Didn't Learn THAT in Spanish Class...

I spent last week in Panama City, Panama visiting my grandson, Logan and his parents, What's Their Names. Oh, please, one of the first things you learn as a parent is that you are now Logan's Dad or Logan's Mom for the next 18-23 years. (Sorry, kids, you know I love you, but truth is truth.)

It never ceases to amaze me that I can remember the names of all eleven grandchildren. You would have thought that by now I would be calling them 7 or 11 or hey you. However, I soon realized that it is easier to remember their names than their birth orders.

Back to Panama and the reason for this blog. Last Thursday we decided to do a short hike in El Parque Metropolitano. As the name suggests, it is very near the city. There is actually an overlook with a great view of the city on the trail through the jungle.

All was well when a woman and her kids passed us going up as we were coming back down. My son and daughter-in-law (What's Their Names) spent a couple of minutes chatting in Spanish with her and I smiled confidently from behind them. As she moved on she smiled at me and said "Bueno," which is Panamanian for "Howdy, yall." I repeated the greeting, then (to show off my Spanish skills) added, "Muy caliente hoy." At that she stopped smiling, gathered her children closer to her and rushed away.

My son, as soon as he could get his breath from laughing so hard, asked if I knew what I had said. "Of course--I said it was very warm today," I replied defensively. Again they burst into laughter. Finally they settled down long enough to tell me that I should have said "Hace calor." And then told me that I had told her I was horny. Again with the laughter... He went on to tell me it would have been worse if I had said, "Estoy caliente." To me that woud have meant the I was hot, but in that part of the world, it is an invitation that I certainly would not have intended.

Suddenly I remembered last year in Mexico and started laughing myself. Now I know why that resort gardener, who was about 18, looked so shocked when I spoke to him one very warm day.

They just don't teach this stuff in high school Spanish. So, if you are going to Latin America, forewarned is forearmed!

Use the Recession to Your Benefit

So much is happening right now. All the news we hear is bad. People are frightened. Parents don't know what to tell their kids. Jobs are being lost or income decreased. It is a mess.

But what if you could see a bright side to this dilema? What if something good could come out of it for your family? As parents, I believe this is where we need to focus right now. What are some ways we can do this?

• Maybe you have lost your job or taken a pay cut and are living on less income. Discuss with your kids the difference between NEEDS and WANTS. Make lists of what you need in order for your family to survive and make lists of what you want. Maybe each person could make a list, then compare them to the others. It is a great teaching opportunity for parents.
• Have each person go through their closet and pull out clothes, shoes, and accessories that you no longer use or like. Make it a family project to help someone less fortunate than you. Many people are without jobs right now and need some help. This is a simple way to teach your kids to think of the needs of others. It will make them feel good about themselves.
• As you set up your family budget for the month, share it with your older kids. Let them see where the money goes--how much for food, mortgage, utilities, and so forth. They will be surprised. You will find that the kids will come to you less often for money and will understand why you cannot give them all the things you could before.
• Help your children set up their budgets to live within their means, either with their allowances or from money earned from working. Some money should be set aside to save, even with the youngest ones. In this way, saving becomes a habit and continues into adulthood. They will thank you for it many times over when they are older. (That is one of the problems with good parenting...delayed gratification instead of instant.)
• With less spending money, get creative with entertainment. Instead of a fancy spring break vacation, maybe a few days hiking and camping in the woods. Sitting around a campfire at night is so great for talking and sharing. Find things to do that create family closeness--like card games and board games. There may be some grumbling at first, but soon they will see that it is actually FUN to hang with mom and dad--that maybe you are kind of cool.
• Make a game of trying to find fun things to do. Let each child make a suggestion and do it. At the end of a month or a week, everyone in the family can vote on what was the most fun. The winner gets a prize--a new video game, a gift certificate to a favorite store, the options are endless.

Okay, I have started you off...now it is your turn. Let me know what other things you can do to teach positive thinking to your children rather than doom and gloom. Remember, what we focus on is what we get in life. Zig Ziglar once said, "Whereever you are in life, you made an appointment to be there." That stuck with me. Believe good things are coming, and they will.

Now, turn off the news, get going, go have some fun with the kids!

Teaching Your Child to Mistreat God's Creatures is So Wrong!

Ok, I hear you. How many parents do that? Too many in my mind and by my definition.

I am pretty riled up on several levels about a situation in my neighborhood. Seven weeks ago a young couple with a little girl moved out of the neighborhood. They left their dog and cat at the old house and come by once a day to feed them. What the hell are they thinking?

What kind of example is that for their little girl? That is bad enough but the dog is completely undisciplined or trained--that seems to be why they left him. Well, it is their fault if he is unruly. I don't think the little thing ever got any lovin' since he is not socialized at all-- and he is about 5 years old. He is in a small run 24-7.

Another neighbor offered to take the cat, but they have not taken her up on it as of yet. And there are lots of pet rescues in the area that could take the dog. How could they leave those animals there feeling confused and alone? It breaks my heart. Now, I am a dog person, but I also have cats. My pets are part of my family and I could no sooner leave one of them than I could leave my husband or my kids.

And the other part of this that steams me is that they call themselves "Christians." Isn't there a quote from Jesus in the Bible that as you treat least of God's creatures, so you have treated Him? It upsets me that this child is learning to mistreat animals through neglect at such a young age. To me, that is not upholding the truths of God. If they do not want the pets, then find good homes for them--don't just abandon them. I will never respect the so-called Christian that can do this!

Parents, please think about it before you buy a pet, much less more than one. Do you love animals? Do you have time to care for the pet? Do you have room for them in your heart, home, and life? If the answer is NO or I Don't Know, then do not bring the pet home. It is that simple.

My wonderful Waya is a rescue that was mistreated and abandoned (she is in the photo). She had so many issues with trust and socializtion when we first got her. She was afraid to get inthe car to the point that if you went more than 1/2 mile, she would shake, foam at the mouth, and throw up. And you had to put her in the car. No way would she just get in by herself! She either hid or acted very mean if people came into the house--even if they came regularly.

Now she is such a great friend to me now. She and I bonded first and we spend a lot of time together. She is never judgmental when I get in a bad mood, she just gives me my space. When I return home from a trip or from the grocery, she is always thrilled to see me. She listens to me when I need to vent about something without trying to fix it for me--just lets me talk. She is very social with people and other animals. She has blossomed beautifully, but I never want another dog to be damaged like that.

Pets are great for kids. They give unconditional love and provide a lot of enterainment. Pets teach kids responsibility and give them a readily accessible "buddy." But not every home should have one, as evidenced by my former neighbor.

Yea, Obama!

As most of you know, I did not vote for President Obama--we have many philosophical differences in how to get out of the recession and other stuff. But something he said last night during his address to Congress made me want to stand up and cheer.

When he was talking about education, the President said something that we don't hear anymore. It was a common theme when I was growing up. By the time my kids were going to school, things were different. It was discussed in hushed tones by small discreet groups and in a few homes. But most people did not believe it or want it to be the truth. Why? Because it is hard sometimes. And, frankly, I did not think there was a politician from either party that beleived it.

What was this very controversial thing he said?

He said that education begins in the home. And that is not all! He had the gall to say that parents should turn off the TV and the computer and read to their children or help them with their homework. I am sure most people simply chose to ignore what he said or stare at him on the TV set with disbelieving eyes and ears. Many people this morning are probably wondering if he is completle deranged by the rigors of the Presidency already.

But, I say, "you go, Mr. President!" It is about time we get back to thinking that our children's education is our responsibility--not the government's! It is the parents' responsibility to guide a child's education, to teach them the basics of numbers and alphabet and colors. It is a parent's job to see that the child gets to school and does their homework. It is the parent's responsibility to make sure no one (even the parent) does the work for the child.

It is about time we bring this out of the proverbial closet. Let's talk about it out loud and at PTSA meetings. Way to go, Obama. You certainly got this right!

A Chance to Live History with Your Kids

My daughter took her 3 yr. old out of preschool early so they could watch the inauguration together and she could talk to him about it. She did not vote for Obama, but realized the historical significance of the moment. He may not remember, but she did the right thing and I am proud of her.

President Obama is of African American heritage. When I was little girl growing up in the south, his father would not have been served at many restaurants, had separate water fountains, separate restrooms, and was forced to sit in the back of a bus.

I was teenager in the 60’s when there were riots weekly on the streets. Other young black people were trying to find their rightful place in this country in a peaceful manner. I remember the first attempts at integration and the prejudices that tried to prevent it.

Now Obama is the leader of the free world. It is a wonderful testimony to the ability of Americans to overcome challenges and adapt to changing conditions in the world. It speaks to the tolerance that we are famous for—we have always welcomed the people of the world here and now we see their children succeeding in the American dream in business, the military, politics, and many other areas of life.

His election shows that what ever you set your mind to, you can achieve. It takes hard work and perseverance. I am sure he would not tell you it was easy. But he believed in himself and in his dream. He did what was necessary to make that dream happen.

What a great lesson to our kids. He does not speak ebonics, he does not wear his pants down below his butt, he is well dressed, he is well spoken, he looks the person he is speaking to in the eye. This is a man who works hard and has learned how to inspire others. Those are characteristics a parent can point to and say this is a good role model rather than some gangsta rap or nearly naked pop star. These are the qualities we should teach our children to emulate.

Be a part of history together.

What Else I Know for Sure About Parenting

Children learn more from what you say than what you do!

Or at least as much. If you don't believe me, just listen to a little girl playing with her dolls. She will treat them the same way you treat her and say the same things. It is very eye opening! I can see that my kids picked up some good habits and some bad habits of mine.

Watch your children closely. You will see yourself in them in how they treat each other, how they communicate with their friends and, how much respect they show you.

If you treat others with respect, your child will see that and do the same. That is especially true if you also reinforce it with telling them why you do that. It is not necessary to lecture them on why they should do it. Kids are smart little copycats and they want to be just like you.

Have respect for yourself and expect others to treat you the same way. If you are in a relationship in which you are disrespected, get out. You are teaching dangerous lessons to your children. It does not matter how often you tell your little girl to not ever let someone treat her like that. The odds are that she will--because you have taught her that women do not have to be treated with honor.

No matter how many times you tell your little boy that the way you are being treated is no way to treat women, he has learned another lesson. He has learned that you do not really care if you are respected or not. And he has learned to treat other women the same way.

Another point to mention is about money. If you are frugal and teach good money management to your children as they watch you manage your finances carefully, they will have been taught a valuable lesson that will help them to be more financially secure in their life.

However, if you are always living paycheck to paycheck, spending more than you have (like the Federal Government), and always stressing about money--expect your kids to grow up and follow the same pattern. That child will have a very hard time finding financial security.

So many other examples are out there. Bottomline, just be careful what your children see you do and how you react to various situations. It truly does rub off on them.

What I Know For Sure About Being a Parent

Surprise! I bet you thought this was going to be a blank page, didn't you?

Actually, I am sure of a few things--may not know what to do about them all the time but then again, isn't this life a learning process? It is a well know fact that there were times I wished I had made a different decision as a parent, but luckily for me, my kids were able to survive my oft-clumsy parenting.

After raising 3 kids of my own and having 2 stepchildren, I have come to some conclusions. The first is that no parent is perfect. No, seriously, they aren't. Every parent makes mistakes such as over-reacting to something because you had a hard day at work or blamed the wrong child for breaking the TV.

In conjunction with that, no child is perfect. Really, I am not kidding. They all get sassy and loud at the wrong times. They all fight with their brother and throw temper tantrums. It's okay. You are not a bad parent if you admit your kids aren't perfection in bloom.

Now what do you do with this information? For one, let go of the guilt monster. Embrace the parent you are--warts and all. After all, aren't you really trying your best? Isn't your love for your child at the heart of all you do? You are doing fine.

All parents tend to beat themselves up unmercifully. I did. I know plenty of others who have. But in hindsight, I can see it did not do me any good and it did not help my kids. Actually it often had the opposite effect. Sometimes after I was maybe too strict about something, I would feel bad and then let the child get away with inappropriate behavior or let them do something I know I should not have let them do. Then I would feel bad all over again. Does this make any sense?

One of my sons has a story about a specific incident in which I was wrong. I apologized for it a long time ago and he forgave me. Now he just likes to get my goat, and for years, it used to work. But I have finally moved past it. I am in a much healthier place now--acknowledging that I was not perfect, but I also was a terrific mom in many ways.

During this week I am going to be blogging about some more things I know for sure as a prelude to the free parenting teleseminar I am hosting with parenting coach, Barb Desmarais
http://www.theparentingcoach.com on Monday January 19 at 7 pm EST. For more information about the teleseminar, go to my website: http://www.parentsrulewithpat.com or http://www.teleclasscatalog.com/