A Little Elbow Grease Can Reap Big Benefits with Kids

Kids work hard when they want to work hard, and this happens only when they are motivated to do so by some positive internal goal, and not by fear or because they are worried about disappointing others. They work hard because they value hard work. Instilling kids with values like this is the first step on the long road to real success.
Rafe Esquith, author of Lighting Their Fires: How Parents and Teachers Can Raise Extraordinary Kids in a Mixed Up, Muddled Up, Shook Up World http://www.hobartshakespeareans.org/

Kids are taught by example as well as by word. If they see us, as parents, slacking on whatever it is we need to do, then they probably will also. But if they see us giving our all every day, they are likely to emulate that value.

It was late in my parenting life when I learned that threats and pleading and ignoring don’t get their rooms cleaned. Maybe when they were young, if I had made it a game to clean up, they would have been more willing. Or if there was a reward for it.

My 4 yr old grandson was over a few weeks ago and he asked if he could help me do some yard work. After I picked myself up off the floor and while I hustled him outside before he could change his mind, I asked him why he asked to help. Turns out his mom had a reward system in place and he had to get a certain number of stars to earn a toy he wanted. He got stars for doing jobs he was not asked to do. For instance, if he cleared his plate off the table without being asked, he got a star. If he picked up toys when finished and without being told to, he got a star. Hard work was something he was willing to do to get that toy—my daughter is so much smarter than I was. So we worked in the yard and he soaked me with the hose and we had a great time, all of which I reported back to mom.

Encourage kids, set up a reward system, make it fun, whatever it takes to teach kids the value of hard work. Rafe recommends gardening because kids don’t get instant gratification. Instead they slowly see the benefits of their work, with a reward at the end of the product they were growing. Working with them cleaning their room or gardening can also be fun. Keep it light and make it a good time. We never have too much time together.

We have to reverse the trend toward expectations of instant gratification instead of the benefit of elbow grease in this society—and it starts at home.

Want To Be On TV?

Lately I have been watching a show on CMT called World's Strictest Parents. Interesting. For me, it is very thought provoking. If you haven't seen it, here is the skinny: kids with respet issues raised in not strict homes are sent to very strict homes for a week to learn how good they had it at home. Living under different standards from their families back home, the teens are subject to consequences for breaking rules and skipping chores while the strict parents attempt to mend their ways.

It is sad to me that so many kids feel so entitled to everything they have and do not have to work for anything. What happened to doing chores around the house? Has that suddenly become illegal? How do parents expect their kids to go out into the real world and become successful when they don't have a clue how to take care of themselves, let alone a business or a job?

The strict parents on the show are even more strict than I was--insert my kids here who are asking, is that possible? Some of what they expect these lazy, indulged kids to do is out there but is also eye-opening for them. And the funny thing is that the kids develop attachments to the strict parents because everything is tempered with love and sincerity. Children know when you are being fake and when you are really interested in them.

For me, it is a lesson to all parents to teach responsibility and respect to kids: for themselves, for their family, for other people, and for nature.

The best part is that now they are casting for new unruly kids and strict parents for upcoming episodes. If you are interested, you can click on this link: http://www.theworldsstrictestparents.com/

Happy parenting!

No Way My Child Has Learning Problem!

A great many children have problems of some sort in learning. It could be ADD, where he has a problem with attetion level. She might have a hearing problem, making learning difficult. Personally, I must have some degree of dyscalculia, which is results in problems with arithmetic and math concepts. There is no telling how many times I told my father that math wasn't logical and didn't make sense. Obviously, Dad, the engineer, totally disagreed with me. And I wholeheartedly feel that dysgraphia (a disorder that results in illegibility) is a requirement to enter med school.

The point is that whether your child has a serious dyslexia or has poor reading comprehension, the worst thing parents can do is to ignore the problem by convincing themselves that it will be outgrown someday. Actually, the earlier the intervention begins, the better the result. Issues are being discovered at earlier ages nowadays and kids can get a step up before even starting elementary school.

Having a issue with learning does reflect poorly on parents or environment. It simply is. A great number of very famous people have had learning issues. Beethoveen, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Walt Disney, and Ansel Adams are a few known to every household. Just because someone has a hurdle to jump, it doesn't mean they are stuck at the starting gate.

As parents, we have the main role in helping our kids overcome the challenges of life and this is just one of them. Stay connected to your child, the teachers, the therapists, and the doctors. No one knows your child like you do. You will know what is best for them, so stick to your guns. The only thing you can do wrong is to do nothing.

This week's guest on Parents Rule!, Jeanne Gehret http://www.verbalimagespress.com states that parents should "Emphasize that he can overcome these difficulties by using different ways to learn, and that he will receive plenty of help. " Be your child's cheerleader and advocate. You will all benefit in the long run.

As a matter of fact, a couple of weeks ago I was flipping TV channels and heard the words "my learning disability" so I stopped to listen. It was a discussion between Bill O'Reilly (who admits to dyslexia) and Glen Beck (who has ADD). They were talking about the challenges they had to overcome and how the "disability" had been a major factor in their success. It was a very interesting discussion. Like them or hate them, they are both very successful and they give a large part of that credit to what they learned as a result of having a "learning disability."

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Merry Christmas, Mom

In 1997 my mom left this world to begin her work in the Universe. This time of year I really miss her. Mom and I did not always see eye to eye on much, but she always made Christmas special for the whole family. Every year she had something new to share--a new craft decoration project or a new Christmas dessert to try.

I remember one year she took the turkey skeleton from Thanksgiving and somehow made it into a sleigh. It astounds me to think of the hours she must have spent getting every little bit of turkey meat and gristle off that carcass. It was then painted gold and decorated with a stuffed Santa and beads, then place on fake snow. She even had little reindeer attached to the sleigh. It was beautiful.

One year the new dessert was Pumpkin Cookies. They were wonderful and instantly became a new family tradition. Now I bake the Pumpkin Cookies, but am thrilled to see my children now fixing them too. As each generation enjoys those cookies, a bit of my mom is there with them.

As a child there was always something special I had asked Santa to bring me waiting under the tree on Christmas morning. And when I had kids of my own, there were times when I either could not find or could not afford something I knew the kids especially wanted. But they always found that special present under the tree at Grandma's house. Sometimes I don't remember that I even told her what to buy, but it was there just the same.

She loved holidays, but Christmas was special to her. She was happiest during the Season. The aroma of baking filled her kitchen for weeks and she would sing as she decorated the house. No strife was ever permitted--if we fought, we were instantly reminded about the baby Jesus and how he came to bring peace to the world. There were no differences of opinion or arguing--just good old fashioned family unity and fun.

Yes, I miss her the most during Christmas. But I know she is with us, sharing the joy of the season and of our growing family.

Merry Christmas, Mom! I love you. And Merry Christmas to all of you.

Parents Can Help Prepare Kids to Read

One of the things I could have done better as a parent was to set aside time every day for reading. My kids didn't enjoy reading as much as I did when I was a child and I was at a loss as to how to deal with it. Turns out, I did some things right. I know, I am as surprised as you. But I talked to the kids all the time. Don't get too excited--anyone who has a 3 or 4 year old is talking to them all the time. They have discovered communicaiton in a big way and are determined to use it.

But talking to your kids (and thereby increasing their vocabulary) is one of the three tools a parent can use to prepare kids for reading. This is according to my radio show guest last week, Cathy Puett Miller, The Literacy Ambassodor.

Explore books together, says Miller. Play with them, read them, feel them, look at the pictures, make up new stories based on the illustrations.

And have fun together singing rhyming songs, playing listening games, and whatever else you can imagine that has to do with stories and books. Miller has many useful ideas that you can find at http://www.readingisforeveryone.org, as well as in her new book, Anytime Reading Readiness: Fun and Easy Family Activities That Prepare Your Child to Read. She can also be reached at 770-365-4733.

The show can be downloaded from iTunes if you want to hear the wonderful snippets of information from last week. You will find us there under Parents Rule.

Most of all, make time to read and talk about books, poems, and stories to your preschooler. Also let them see you read--they model your behavior. Books are wonderful and according to Miller's mom, "You can go anywhere in a book."

A Car is the Most Common Deadly Weapon

Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed
He watched the ads
And not the road
Ogden Nash

There is a lot of truth to this old poem. When I was teaching my kids to drive, they all had to endure “the lecture” before they ever sat in the driver’s seat. I told them that once they were driving down the road; they had a deadly weapon in their hands. It could be deadly to themselves, someone they care about, or someone they don’t even know. Cars are wonderful conveyances to get from here to there. A great invention. But they are also very dangerous.

I don’t know if they remember the lecture, or not. I am sure they were only half listening in their eagerness to learn to drive. That is just human nature. Kids will only hear a portion of what we say to them. For instance, when I told one of the kids they could go to the movie if they cleaned their room—all they heard was they could go to the movie. They stopped listening after that phrase.

Remember that when you are talking to your kids. Don’t be afraid to repeat important things like telling them to drive safely, don’t tailgate, don’t text and drive, and don’t drink and drive.

And, most important, be a good driving example. Control road rage and speed. Use your blinkers and common sense. It is easier to make a good argument for not speeding if you are not speeding.

Our children’s lives are the central focus of our attention as parents. Make sure they are well trained before you send them out in a car by themselves.

And, most important of all, make sure they know they can call you, no questions asked, from anywhere, in any condition, rather than get in a car with another teen who is impaired by alcohol or drugs. No questions asked. It may save their lives.

How to Get Past the Crap in Your Life

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog entitled, What To Do With a Big Pile of Crap. Basically, I said we need to move on, find forgiveness, and celebrate who we are. One person who commented asked me to follow up with a blog about how to do those things.

Let me say that I am completely unqualified to answer that question and book stores are full of self help books on that subject. It is something I have struggled with over the course of my life--in fact, I still struggle with it from time to time. But I am winning the battle for my peace of mind and I want to share some of my ideas with you.

My life changed dramatically when I learned about meditation. In my book Now You Know What I Know: Parenting Wisdom of a Grandmother, I discuss my views about meditation. I pray and then I sit quietly waiting for God to speak back to me. I ask questions, then wait for the answers. Sometimes they come right away and sometimes it is later when I get an answer. But the peace in my soul that comes from being connected to God is unlike anything I can describe.

When I am hurt or angry, I try to hold my tongue and not lash out in the heat of the moment. Notice I said try because I am not always successful. It is best to wait, talk to God, and think about how this will affect you in 10 years before you respond.

Have you ever noticed in the Bible how much Jesus spoke about forgiveness? God always tells me to forgive. Anger and guilt are the two most destructive emotions in the world. As I mentioned in the earlier blog, love cannot be in the place in your heart where you have stored all that anger and guilt. Let them go. When you start to feel anger toward another person, force yourself to stop and sent them love instead. Even if you don't do it to their face, just say to yourself that you forgive them and wish them well. Eventually it will actually be true because you will have created a habit of forgiving instead of hating.

When you start feeling guilty about something in your past, ask yourself if you have asked God to forgive you. If yes, then He did--plain and simple. You are done; check it off your list. Did you as the other person to forgive you if appropriate? If yes, then your job is done there. Check that one off. Whether they forgave you is irrelevant. Now it is on them. You have done what you needed to do. Now you have to ask if you have forgiven yourself--obviously not or you would not still be feeling guilty.

So what do you do with the guilt? Put it aside. Realize that you are miraculous and perfect just as you are, warts and all. Who else can be you? Nobody, that's who. Look in the mirror and try to see you as God does or as someone who loves you does. Say to yourself every day, "I love who I am. My actions in the past are past and I refuse to let them interfere with my happiness in the present and future. I have learned the lesson and am ready to move ahead in peace. I love who I am." If you do this every day, or whenever you feel those pangs of regret, I can promise you will be able to put it behind you.

You are wondrously made and have a purpose. Maybe some of what happens to us does so in order for us to learn. Maybe we are in the way of someone else's free will. Maybe it is just piles of crap we can either step in and carry on our shoes until we decide to clean it off or we can go around it.

Are We a Government of the People, or Not?

Society in every state is a blessing, but government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one.
Thomas Paine, from Common Sense

Our government is sticking its fingers into every aspect of our lives. Our founding fathers did not want that. Our current elected officials in DC have forgotten that our founders wanted individuals and states to be more powerful than the federal government. For the most part, our Representatives and Senators have been inoculated with the DC vaccine that prevents them from caring about you and me.

As leaders, they believe they are untouchable. But we have a strong way to fight back. Let’s stop re-electing the same foolish and arrogant people. Just because they have a famous name or have been in office a long time does not mean they are doing a good job.

Look at the voting record of your elected officials. It’s not that hard. I get an email every week from http://www.congress.org. It tells me what my representatives and senators voted on and how they voted. It also tells me what upcoming votes there are so I can call them in a timely fashion if I want to let them know how want them to vote.

Remember, they are there to represent us but they cannot do that if we don’t tell them what we want. We have a responsibility to speak out, know the issues, research them, and vote. It is imperative that, as parents, we do this. So much of what we decide as voters affects them more than us.

Set a good example for our kids. Talk to them about civics and current events. Encourage them to be active. We are in this mess now because of apathy. We are the only way out.

It is time we take our constitutionally guaranteed power of the people back from Washington!

The Best Part of Me

You're the best part of me
The best that I am
Or ever will be
You, baby, you're the part
That allows me to open my heart
And let love inside
I want you to know
What I've always known
You're the best part of me.
from the song, You Are The Best Part of Me. Sung by Neil Diamond

Working in my office this morning, I had Neil Diamond music on in the background. I found myself listening to the words of this song and my mind drifted to my children. Memories of childhoods, pranks, talks, activities, and more popped into my consciousness.

I remembered times when my marriage was going bad, or when it was simply gone, and loneliness engulfed me. You, my children, were there for me. You gave me unasked for hugs, sticky kisses, and unconditional love. Even now, so many years later, the joy of that love makes me warm. You could not have known the pain I was in, but you soothed me.

And you kept me grounded and moving. There was never time to wallow in self-pity or spend weeks in bed. There were lunches to make and bottoms to wipe. There were games and practices to attend and hair to brush. Day by day, you kept me busy and I healed. You were the medicine that made me whole again.

Everyday you made me lots of things--tired, happy, frustrated, proud. But mostly you made me smile and laugh, even when I thought I would never smile and laugh again. When I felt unloveable and unable to love, you would show me that I could love because I loved you all so much. Your boundless love made me realize that I was loveable. Who needed therapy when I had you all?

I see you all now and realize that there are a few scars from your childhoods, and for that I am sorry. But mostly I see warm, caring adults who are better than I ever was at your ages. I see people who are making this world a more wonderful place, one person at a time. Sometimes, I marvel at the fact that you came from my body and wonder how that could be.

Truly, you are the best part of me.

What To Do With a Pile of Crap

I think you need to...focus on the wonder that is you…..Celebrate your marvelous existence…Perhaps that sounds difficult now, while every cell in your body is recovering from your pilgrimage….give yourself time to mourn. Be patient and compassionate with yourself, then do it. Cross over the threshold.
Mary Anne, from the book, When the Piano Stops by Catherine McCall

Each of us has crap to get over in our lives. Sometimes it is a big pile of crap. Sometimes it is a small pile of crap. But it is our crap and, therefore, important to us personally. Losing yourself to it only prevents you from seeing the glory of you. You are unique and special. Don't believe anyone who tells you different! You have a purpose in life that is wonderful and is only yours.

So let go of the crap. I hear you—it is easier said than done. But let it go. If it is a grudge against someone, forgive them. We don’t know what is in their hearts or their lives. But we do know ours. Remember that no two objects can fill the same space, so where hate and anger exists, there cannot be love. It may diminish your ability to love a little or a lot, depending on how much you are hanging on to.

If you focus on that anger rather than being truly happy, then the other person has control over you. So they have hurt you and now you have ceded control to them. Is that what you really want? And the rest of the sad news is that your anger and hate does not affect its object one iota. The only one it affects is you. So, as Mary Anne says in the book, Celebrate yourself and cross over the threshold into forgiveness.

When you do cross through that door, remember to slam it shut and lock it so it never again damages your life.

This is Real Life, Folks!

Ok, I have talked about my dad recently. What I didn't tell you was that he has four great-grandchildren--all boys. Yes, Monty and I have 12 grandchildren but some are steps and some are from his side of the family. That aside, Daddy is pretty proud of his boys.

This summer when the outliers (the ones who live in another country right now) were home, I was determined that we would get a photo of the 4 guys and their great-granddad. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

The first obstacle was coordinating everyone's schedules; a Herculean task of its own when you are trying to also include nap times and "happy, not cranky" times. Then, of course, you also have to consider the children, not just the parents.

Finally we were all together and decided to make a stab at getting a picture. Where were those people from photo studios who know how to make kids pay attention and smile sweetly at the camera? My biggest regret was in not videoing the whole thing--I could have made a lot of money on some funny video show!

Dad sat on the love seat and we surrounded him with kids ages 3 and under. The parents were making faces and noises in the background--funny by itself. My stepmom was laughing hysterically in the corner, far away from the chaos.

As you can see in the photo, all was normal. One child was climbing down to escape and constantly had to be put back on the loveseat. The infant was, thankfully, asleep. However none of us know how. The next one was crying hysterically. Why? We don't know except that he seemed to do that every time he was around Daddy. And the fourth munchkin was sitting sweetly making goofy faces at the camera.

This is real life, folks. What did I do? I enlarged them and gave them to everyone. Daddy's was framed and he got it for his birthday. Really, everytime I look at mine, I laugh remembering the craziness that went into that picture. To me, it is more valuable than a fine studio portrait.

How much reality do our kids need?

On Fox News the other day I saw a short segment about the pros and cons of a new American Girl doll. The back story on this on is that she was homeless. If you missed it, here is the link:
http://blog.parentinggirls.com/2009/09/video-homeless-doll-debate-on-foxnews.html.

What do you think?

Now, to be fair, the doll does have a happy ending in which her mommy gets a job and a house. But, seriously, is this what we want for our kids? Little girls that are playing with these dolls are very young, mostly 4-8 years old. Why do we want them to have that much reality forced on them at that age?

I thought dolls were for play rather than for social statements. Little girls play with dolls and mimic their own lives. It is a way for them learn about becoming an adult and dealing with issues in their own lives. Adding a homeless story to a small child that is not homeless can create all kinds of questions and fears that child is not prepared for at such a tender age.

Why do our babies have to know that ugliness and pain exist? Can't they just be innocent for a few years? Can't they just play with their dolls and have tea parties and pretend to be a puppy or a pilot? Can't they just be little?

There is plenty of time for kids to experience the negative things in the world. Why do we have to explain homelessness, drug addiction, mental illnesses, losing a job, and all these things involve to a 5 year old? What purpose does that serve?

It will frighten a child. I know I would have been afraid that I would end up homeless. That is not play. It is forcing our children to lose what little innocence we have not already taken away from them. Very sad!

Happy 85th Daddy

Yesterday was my dad's 85th birthday. To live that long is one thing, but to be fully in control of your mind and bladder is miraculous. He is an amazing man and I strive to be more like him. In honor of him, I am posting a poem I wrote for him several years ago. (The photo is my dad and sister from earlier this year.)

NOT COMPLETELY NEW

You taught me your ways
And under your loving gaze,
As a child, every day I grew
Into someone not completely new.

You gave me direction and love,
Taught me to cherish nature and the stars above.
You taught me to be honest and fair,
And about myself and others to care.
Just like you I wanted to be
Giving no thought to being me.

Inevitably I sought independence as a teen
And now I’m somewhere in between.
I am me and I am you,
Someone not completely new.

We can’t always know God’s plan
And some things we never understand.
However, now I know one thing.
When the angels come to sing
And take me to my final rest,
The part of me that is you has been the best.

For I am me and I am you,
Someone, thankfully, not completely new.

Forget Vampires: Grandma Scares Me to Death!

If little Nathanael could write about his Mema, this is what he would tell you all--that I scared the first real tears out of him. You know, that is not what a grandma aspires to, not what we dream of when we think of being in on the "firsts" in our grandchildren's lives. Unfortunately, it happened to me.

Background to the story: I babysat for two other little grand-guys while both parents went to the doctor. Both had upper respiratory symptoms and were feeling lousy. So I kept the guys for a couple of hours. The next day, Nathanael's dad asked if I could babysit for a little while.

Back to the story...I arrive at their house complete with a mask to wear when near the baby so in case I was a germ carrier, I might not pass it on to the baby. Sitting across the room from him was great. I didn't have to wear the mask and we were making faces at each other--he is so close to laughing and is so cute.

The trouble came when I took him from Mommy so they could leave. I put on my mask and picked him off her lap and all was well for a few minutes. I had him on my shoulder and he could not see my face. Unfortunately, then, he looked me dead in the face, or mask as it may be. Then all you-know-what broke loose.

The word scream does not adequately describe his reaction. Hysterical would be more accurate. Daddy came running over and pointed out as he was yanking my grandson out of my arms that Nathanael was actually crying tears. It was the first time he had seen tears in his son's eyes and I thought he was going to have a coniption. (If you don't know what that means, you aren't from Dixie...)

Of course I felt awful and my son proceded to try to make me feel worse--in fun. Soon the baby became accustomed to how I looked and we got along fine, but I didn't get any more smiles that night. He just kept looking at me with suspicion like he was saying. "Who are you? You sound like my Mema and feel like my Mema, but you don't look like my Mema."

I am happy to announce that I was there today, sans mask, and we laughed together a lot. He seemed to be over the mask trauma. (I hope I don't have to pay for therapy later.)

However, my other son called me to say that he heard from his brother that Nathanael had taken a good look at my face and became hysterical. I, of course, set the record straight and then forbade him from speaking to his brother ever again.

Are Our Kids Worth a Few Green Beans?

Many people … have spent a lifetime eating themselves into their current state of ill-health….In the end you are the one responsible for your own condition.
Dr. Dan Falor (recent guest on Parents Rule! radio show)

Don’t think I am pointing a finger at any of you because from my glass house, I am not the person to be throwing stones. I have done a lot of things, food wise, which are unhealthy. Actually, this struck a cord with me because I am trying to get back into a better nutritional state myself. To my disappointment, I have found that woman does not live on Cokes, hamburgers and pizza alone. This is sad because they certainly taste better than broccoli and brussel sprouts.

It is important that we examine our eating habits and what we are feeding our kids. It may take a little longer to cook a meal than to heat up a hot dog, but our kids are worth it. We all want them to lead full and happy lives, they can only do that if they are healthy. Take the extra time to steam some green beans to go along with that dog if that is what you want that night. Make a salad. Add some fresh fruit.

It's hard when kids have busy schedules and you are rushing home from work to make dinner and/or transport kids here and there. But you can cook ahead. I remember spending a lot of Sundays making meals ahead of a busy week. Then I just heated them up and we had a balanced meal instead of running through a drive-through.

Dr. Dan is right. We are responsible. It is up to us what we put in our bodies and what we have available for our kids to put in theirs. Take responsibility. Do the extra work. Isn’t it worth it for our health and the health of our kids?

Parenting Lessons from Ted Kennedy

First let me say that I am on a way different political spectrum from Ted Kennedy and he continually pissed me off while he was in the Senate. Having said that, as I watched the TV spectacle over his demise, it was evident to me that his actions could be used to inspire others to become better parents.

What are you talking about Pat? You just said you disagreed with the guy. Yes, but like everyone else, he had his good points also. So here is my list of How to be a Better Parent, Thanks to Ted Kennedy:

• Be there with your kids. Ted, having lost 3 brothers, took up the slack and became a surrogate dad for all of his nieces and nephews, as well as being a dad to his own kids. Over and over this past week I heard about how he was at every birthday, every graduation, every recital, every everything that was important to all these kids. It is impressive when a person can do that for their own kids, but add in a bunch of others and it is an impressive record. Just the fact that it was mentioned frequently showed how much it meant to all of the kids.
• Have special times with your kids. Each member of Kennedy clan can tell a story about how he went out of his way for them or made them feel special in some way. Can your kids say that about you?
• Instill patriotism in your kids. Several stories were told about how Ted told patriotic stories and read patriotic poems to the kids at various times throughout the year. Although he and I disagreed about what in the best interest of this country, it is apparent that he loved it. He displayed that love to all "his" kids.
• Make learning US history fun. This ties into the previous point. Ted organized a big day trip every year for the entire Kennedy clan. Well, it was his idea--I am sure his staff did the actual organizing. But they all went somewhere every year to learn about our history--battlefields, museums, tours, etc. What a great time for the whole family and they learned something in the meantime. Great idea!
• Teach perserverance. Many of the stories about Ted Kennedy desribed his determination to achieve his goals. Whether it was trying get a piece of legislation passed or winning a saliboat race, he did not give up. Setbacks would occur and he kept trudging ahead. With that attitude, you will win some and lose some, but the wins will far exceed the losses. And he modeled that in words and deeds to the young Kennedys who were watching him.
• Tolerance should be a lifestyle. Understand that others may not agree with you. I heard some Republican leaders tell stories about how he would argue them blue about a topic of discussion. Then he would find a way to create an atmosphere in which a compromise could be achieved. Or, if they were still to disagree, he did not let it interfere with a friendship. When bitterness creeps into differing opinions then no good can come from it. It is only with an open mind that important changes can be made. For instance, the best legislation from our Congress has always been a bi-partisan effort. In that all the needs of all the people have been addressed. That cannot happen when our elected officials stick to partisanship instead of tolerance and understanding and a desire for the greater good.
• Be a friend. This is such an important lesson for parents to teach kids, especially when we may not be the best example. But Ted Kennedy knew how to be a friend. Tale after tale was told about how when this person was going through surgery, Ted was the first person to call. Or how when that person lost a loved one, Ted was the first to be there at the door to offer a hug and a word of condolence. Many stories were told about him doing those things in the last year, as he was so ill himself. Children see these actions and will either learn from them or from their absence.
• Family is the most important thing in our lives. The whole Kennedy clan is an example of this, as are many families throughout our country. We see that with the Jackson family--throughout all of Michael's issues, the family stood together. My ex-husband's family in Tennessee is one of the best examples of family love I have ever seen. The Hawkins family members understand that they are blood--a bond that cannot be broken. No matter what happens, good or bad, they are always a family. If there are squabbles, (and what family doesn't have them?) they don't hold grudges and they find a way to bring understanding and peace. God forbid anything bad happen to any one in that type of family, but if it does, they come together in a united front to defeat the enemy--person, disease, situation, or whatever. It is so freeing to know that no matter what you do, you cannot lose the love and support of the family. Even when my ex and I split up, they made sure I knew that I was still a welcome member of that family and have had close ties to them over the years that we have been divorced. It is that unity that I saw in the Kennedys. And I hope you have the blessing of that kind of family. If not, it is not too late to start.

Trust me, I am not going to apply for his cannonization. He had plenty of warts and errors in his life--as do we all. But I see some traits in the man that I could admire--traits that will make our kids better adults and better citizens in this wonderful country we all love.

The Loss of a First Love

Today we learned that Ted Kennedy died and the press is busy cannonizing him as they do famous (or infamous) people as soon as they are gone. Frankly, I think he had a great life for someone who, if he were you or I, would have spend the rest of his life in prison (or at least a good part of it) after the death of Mary Jo Kopeckne. Interesting that he died so near to the 40th anninversary of her death.

Did he do good in his life of public service? I suppose he did, but that did not bring back the daughter to her parents. So his death, while I sympathize with those who loved him, leaves me void of emotion. But that is just me and I really don't idolize the famous.

However, I recently found out that my first unrequited love died many years ago as a young man. This guy was gorgeous, had a great body, and was wonderfully kind. He was in the "in crowd" but always had time to say hi or have a conversation with others. As an athlete, he excelled, especially in wrestling. And, it is my suspicion that many of the girls in my class also had a crush on Wally.

One night during college, I ran into him at a dance. It surprised me because he went to a different school, but he was visiting some friends for the weekend. At the time, I was in love with a guy that went to college in another state, so my high school crush was over, but it was so good to see him. (Remember, just looking at him was worth the time.) We talked all evening and danced a few dances; generally having a great time. As he walked me back to the dorm, I broke down and confessed my earlier feelings to him.

To my chagrin, he grinned at me and said, "I know." Flustered, I mumbled something about the fact that I never told any of my friends and couldn't understand how he knew. He said he could tell by my looks and actions. To which I replied about how grateful I was that he never let on that he knew--I would have been mortified! We had a good laugh about it and he told me that he was honored that I had felt that way about him. He said that with his school work and sports he just didn't have much time, or money, for girls--he had other priorities. And, looking back, I don't remember him having a steady girlfriend.

We parted as friends--no kiss, not even any hand holding (well there was a very nice hug)--and shared a few wonderful hours together. A few weeks ago, I reconnected with a high school girl friend (don't ya love Facebook?) and I asked her about Wally along with some others. She quickly said, "The guy you had such a crush on?" God, did everybody know?

Then she told the bad news--he had died. He was doing some kind of mission work, helping people he did not know, and got sick. Sadly, he didn't recover.

My heart broke when she told me. I always thought he was meant for great things. In his too-short life, he touched many people in a very positive way. I don't know of anyone this gentle soul ever hurt. Today, my mind is on Wally and why no one talked about his life on TV all day when he died.

RIP Wally Morrell! Part of me will always have that teenage crush on you.

Parents Rule or UN Rule?

I know no safe depository of the ultimate powers of society but the people themselves, and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education.
Thomas Jefferson

Today on Parents Rule! my guest, Michael Farris and I are discussing the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. As titled, it is an innocuous sounding treaty. What kind of monster does not want children to be protected from evil and injustice? However, this document goes way beyond that and begins to interfere in the ability of a mom or dad to do their job as a parent.

Under the provisions, a child can take a parent to cout any time they disagree with a rule or restriction put on the child's behavior. Aren't the kids today too out of control as it is? Also, the wording in several areas of this document are very vague and open to interpretation. Who will do the interpreting? An 18 person panel in Geneva. And, if ratified, the treaty supersedes US law. Who else has a problem with that? And what does "an enforceable right to leisure" mean?

Central to our society is the parent-child relationship. The role of the parent does not end with childbirth. We are also to be the teacher and protector of our children. It is not the job of government to do that, nor is it the job of people from another country.

Children do not fit nicely into cookie cutter rules where what is right for one is right for all. They are individuals with individual personalities and purposes on this earth. No one can help a child prepare for adult life more than an informed, loving parent. No one living in another continent can or should make decisions about my child’s needs. They do not know my child, or me.

Parents must have the ability to guide, set boundaries, and enforce those boundaries as they see fit—naturally without abuse. What I am talking about are the majority of parents; those who care deeply for the best interest of their children. It is vital that parents start making a stand now for the future of our children and grandchildren.

The proposed Constitutional amendment, called the Parents Rights Amendment, will protect us even if the treaty is ratified. Check it out at http://www.parentalrights.org. And let me hear what you think.

You Can Call Me Liz...

Hey, world I am back. I have been off the radar for a few weeks, but now I am raring to go--can hardly go for raring. (What does that mean anyway?) To celebrate, I am going to tell you something that happened to me on my recent vacation. It has nothing to do with parenting, although the real Liz is expecting. Does that count?

I have a new alias, which I will be using in bars, in resorts in Jamaica, and in Vegas from now on. If you see someone who looks just like me in any of those places, she will only answer to LIZ.

Okay, so you want the back story?

We were recently on vaca at great resort in Jamaica and having dinner in the fancy-dancy French restaurant on property. We were dressed up and looking good and drinking a few glasses of bubbly when it happened. The wait staff came out singing Happy Birthday to Liz and set the cake, which also said Happy Birthday Liz, right in front of me. Standing there waiting for me to blow out the candles, they couldn't figure out the confused look on my face. Finally I stammered to them that I was not Liz. They looked at my sister in law expectantly and she informed them that her name was Karen.

To be fair, we were warned. When we walked in, the waiter said something to my husband about us celebrating a birthday and Monty told him we weren't. Now I understand the wink he got--it wasn't that he thought Monty was cute; this guy thought Monty was trying not to spoil the surprise.

We were hysterical laughing after they took the cake with the new candle wax topping away. The two tables near us were full of people looking perplexed or laughing. Eventually I said that maybe we should have just eaten the cake. At that, the people to my right started laughing all over again and I heard the word Liz mentioned.

Sure enough, Liz was at the table next to me and expressed her gratitude that I did not, in fact, eat her cake. With that, we laughed until tears ran down our cheeks--all eight of us.

So, I have now adopted and embraced my alias. Use it with caution.

Wacko Jacko or Mistreated Michael?

Michael Jackson. Just saying his name evokes emotions in people--worship, envy, sadness, disgust, revulsion, love, hate, pity, and many more. To me, I don't understand this man-boy who seemed to never grow up. I forget who in the memorial service called him Peter Pan, but that is how I have always seen him.

Was he guilty of molesting young boys? Was he inappropriate? By our standards, he was inappropriate, but what were his standards? Was he being honest when he said he was just showing them pure love, not sexual love? None of us will ever know because we were not present. In my mind, he may have been trying to give what he did not receive as a child.

What I do believe is that somewhere in his past, abuse took place. There were many stories of his father's abuse when the kids were growing up and, again, we will never know the truth. But something happened to that cute little guy who sang on the Ed Sullivan Show so many years ago. And, as parents, we need to see Michael as an example of what can happen when we do not take care of the little ones in our charge. The reasons I believe that there was abuse are:

• the self mutilation he inflicted on himself with the mulitple plastic surgeries, always trying to make himself another person,
• the fact that he appeared to be arrested in his emotional development and was childlike for his entire life,
• he always wanted to be surrounded by children that he could love,
• every photo I have ever seen of Michael and his parents shows him leaning away from his father (of course I have not seen all the photos and that could be wrong),
• and the Jackson children are all so careful and so quick to circle the wagons around one that is in trouble, especially Michael. That does not mean that abuse occurred but it is a symptom.

I do respect the fact that he lived his life the way he wanted and did not let the criticism affect how he did things. I am sure he took it to heart and was pained by it, but he remained true to himself. Too many times we see former child stars who have serious issues with drugs or emotions or relationships. Why is that? I think it because they have been put too soon into an adult world for which they are not prepared.

Parents, pay attention to how you interact with your kids. This is especially true if they are a prodigy or have a special gift. Don't push them into adulthood too soon. Let them be kids. Love them and hold them. Let them play and be silly. If they have a gift, they will do it naturally and they will love it. Let them lead you on how involved they want to be. Of course, encourage them and provide opportunity for them to pursue the talent. But don't rob them of their precious innocent childhood.