Don't Ask and I Won't Have to Lie--guest blog by Beverly Mahone

Dear Readers--today I have guest blogger, Beverly Mahone, who shares a chapter in her new book "Don't Ask and I Won't Have to Lie"....Pat


EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 2: Because Mommy Said So
To understand why we lie, we need not look any further than our own mothers. They are the ones who taught us how to lie and when those lies were appropriate. Of course we, as little girls, never wanted to believe our mommies would do such a thing, but they did—just as their mothers more than likely lied to them.

The experts call it parenting by lying. (Heyman, Luu, & Lee, Volume 38, Issue 3 September 2009) It’s a strategy—and a very successful one I might add—used to manipulate a young child’s behavior and emotions. Our mothers warned us about all the bad things that would happen if we didn’t do what they told us to do. They even conned us into good behavior all year long by reminding us that Santa Claus wouldn’t bring us any toys if we were naughty.

Once, my inquiring mind wanted to know how Santa was able to get into our home since we had no chimney. How was I to know at the time that my mother was telling a bold-faced lie when she said Santa had a special key to unlock the door?

The trauma of losing my baby teeth was always glossed over with a visit from the Tooth Fairy, who never failed to leave a nice, shiny quarter. How was I to know there was no such creature who had wings, could fly up to my second-floor bedroom, unlock the window, come in, sneak a quarter under my pillow and be gone without making a sound?

On the flip side: What about those times our mothers forced us to lie to them? They told you not to do something. You did it anyway. They confronted you. What did you do? You lied so you wouldn’t get in trouble.

Isn’t it ironic that our moms spent so much time preaching "honesty is the best policy" while steadily lying to us about this or that? The other irony is the fact that sometimes their lies were

meant to protect us from hurt or just to make us happy. In a strange kind of way this could be perceived as a part of a mother’s nurturing process.

There was the time I remember making an ashtray as my Mother’s Day gift. It looked okay going into the kiln, but when it came out of the fiery furnace, it looked more like a foreign object. Despite my embarrassment, disappointment, and tears, I painted it red wrapped it up, and gave it to Lillian.

When she opened her gift, you would’ve thought I had given her a piece of gold jewelry with the way she reacted. She kept talking about how beautiful it was and placed it right on the coffee table in the living room for everyone to see.

To this day, she still has that little red ashtray I made in kindergarten 47 years ago—plus another ugly pink one I made in first grade. That’s one lie I was very happy to hear.

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In Beverly's new book, Don’t Ask and I Won’t Have to Lie, she tells her life story as she deals with her own moral conscience while discovering some of the “truths” behind the “lies” she has heard and told.

Beverly Mahone, http://www.beverlymahone.com/, is a veteran journalist, author, radio talk show host and motivational speaker who primarily talks about issues affecting middle-aged women. She also hosts her own radio show called The Boomer Beat every Thursday from 1pm – 2pm on WCOM Radio in Carrboro, NC.

Beverly has been classified as a baby boomer expert by the media and has appeared on numerous radio and talk programs including My Carolina Today.

Cured of Ovarian Cancer!

"He said that as far as he was concerned I was cured." These are the words my beautiful daughter just shared with me over the phone as she drove home from her GYN oncologist' s office. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 5 years ago, just before she turned 30. Many of you know the amazing miraculous story of how we found it, but I am no going into that today. So few women can speak those words about ovarian cancer that this is truly a miracle.

Today is about celebration. I was expecting that result because she has done so well but when she said the words, I could not speak at first. As I choked out the first phrases of joy, the tears started and are still flowing as I write this. Thank you God. Thank you doctors and nurses. Thank you Benton--someday we will tell you the story of how you saved your mommy's life. Thank you to all her friends and family who came together in such a wonderful way over these last 5 years.

Today I cannot remember being as grateful for anything since I gave birth to my healthy babies as I am this minute. And I cannot stop crying. It feels like I am releasing 5 years of unspoken fears and frustration for all the anguish my baby had to go through. In my heart I knew this would be the outcome, but when I finally heard it said, the joy was unspeakable.

I am so happy. Thanks for letting me share it with you.

Parenting Lessons from Jared Loughner

When I hear something that seems as senseless and vile as the shooting this week in Arizona, I try to find a positive or a lesson from it. Nothing in life is completely random. It seems clear that this young man who shot all those people, had a plan. But it is also evident that he was troubled. I have read comments about him in which a professor was afraid to turn his back on him and that he talked to himself and was a loner.

My heart goes out to all the victims of the shooting. It also goes out to Jared's parents. From all accounts, they are completely devastated. That is understandable. Their statement made yesterday broke my heart. However, there are questions that need to asked--not to judge them, but to ask ourselves if it is possible this could occur in our own lives with our children.

What can parents learn from this mutiple tragedy? After much thought, it seems apparent to me that we must see our children for who they are, not who we want them to be. Parents everywhere have dreams for their offspring. We always want to believe in the best in them and see them in the best light. Sadly, many parents carry it a little to far and refuse to see the troubled child living in their home.

To neighbors and teachers, Jared was a troubled person and had been that way for many years. Did he have a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder? Did he have multiple personalities? Was he bipolar? Was there a treatable malady distorting his mentation? Was he sociopathic? Who knows?

I have made so many mistakes with my parenting that I will never say that any parent did a bad job. Who knows what went on in their home. Maybe these parents tried over and over to get help for him. At age 22, that was hardly still an option--he is of age and can only make those decisions for himself. And, from personal experience, I know that you cannot help someone who doesn't want help.

Also as parents, we cannot plan our children's lives as adults. They have to make their own way and walk their own path. There are many stories of wonderful parents who had children who went astray. There is no way to predict when this will happen, or to which families. If we have done all we can as parents and our child chooses to walk a dark path, we should have no guilt for that. It is their choice.

But, my point today is that we must look at and really SEE our children. Are they having trouble in school? Having issues with relationships? Unable to keep a job? Disrespectful to us or to others? Are one person one day and a different one the next? Is your gut telling you that something is wrong, even though your heart is begging you not to believe it? Listen to what your children say. Read what they write on social media sites and blogs and slips of paper in their room. Pay attention and take action if warranted.

I pray none of you ever have to go through what any of the affected families are suffering. I pray my family never has to either.

If Only I Didn't Love My Kids So Much...

From the first moment I held my babies and looked into their eyes, I was forever in love with them. The overpowering feeling was like nothing I could have ever imagined. It is funny how that feeling never goes away--even when they are adults and have their own lives. As the new year rolls in, I have spent a little time in reflection and have the following to share.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would have gotten a lot more sleep, rather than sleeping on the floor next to their crib or bed when they were sick--staying awake most of the night to make sure they were okay. But then I might have missed something I could have done for them or I might have missed the moonlight reflected on the sweet innocent sleeping faces that I can still see today.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would have shed fewer tears. They didn't see the times when I had to punish them, then went to my room and cried because of it. Or the times when they were in pain--physical or emotional--I cried as many tears as they did. It is so hard to see someone you love so much hurting and not be able to do anything about it. But then, when they were little, I would not have been able to kiss the boo-boo with enough feeling to make it better.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would have had so much more time for myself. Instead of going to concerts, practices, ballgames, activities, and such, I could have been out having fun with my friends. But then, I would have missed the best times of my life.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I would not get my feeling hurt as often. Unintentional and the very rare intentional, slights from my children wouldn't matter to me. It is hard to understand that the love a child has for a parent is different than the love a parent has for a child. For a mom, our child become who is now an adult was once the baby that grew within her, the one she nursed and protected, the one she corrected and guided. It is a special feeling that appears in no other relationship. So we moms sometimes get our feelings hurt if we feel we have been slighted. But then, I would not be the person I am if I didn't care that much.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, I could have spared them more pain in life. I could have protected them from life more often and not let anything ever hurt them, just like I promised them when they were babies. But then, they would not be the resilient resourceful adults they are now. To love them means letting them learn that they can fall and get back up. It also means teaching them to take responsibility for their decisions and their actions.

If only I didn 't love my kids so much, I would not feel empty on holidays when I have share them with in-laws. Don't get me wrong, I love all the in-laws my kids have brought into our lives and I understand they love their children (and mine) as much as I do. It is just hard to share sometimes. But then, it makes me appreciate the times we are together so much more. I truly value the moments when my kids go out of their way to spend time with me. It is a wonderful gift.

If only I didn't love my kids so much, my life would be so empty. The joy they have brought me is immeasureable. And now we have added stepchildren and spouses and grandchildren to the family so we number 25. And the joy of Christmas was enhanced with the news that the 26th member of the family will be here in August. I am truly blessed.

What Are the HOT Toys for Christmas?

Well, I finally let you all down. I tried to have Chris Byrne, the Toy Guy, that you have seen on TV shows, such as GMA, Fox and Friends, Today Show, Live with Regis and Kelly, and many others. Sadly, we could not get our schedules to mesh.

So I have gone to his website http://www.timetoplaymag.com and am listing for you what he says will be the top sellers for this year.

By the way, you should check out his website--they have giveaways year round and on Monday they are announcing the winner of a play award that was voted on by visitors to the site!

There is lots of information about different toys and videos showing them. For instance, I have been wondering what in the heck a Squinkie is--now I know.

So, without further ado, here is Chris' list of HOT toys (in alphabetical order):

• Bop It Bounce, recommended for boys and girls 8 and up
• Dance Star Mickey, recommended for all kids (or kids at heart) 2 and up
• FurReal Friends Go-Go, My Walking Pup, recommended for girls 4 and up
• Hogwarts Castle, recommended for boys and girls 8 and up
• Imaginext Bigfoot the Monster, recommended for boys 3 and up
• iXL, recommended for boys and girls 3 and up
• Lalaloopsy, recommended for girls 8 and up
• Leapster Explorer, recommended for boys and girls 4 and up
• Lego Games, recommended for boys and girls 7 and up
• Loopx, recommended for boys and girls 7 and up
• Monster High, recommended for girls 6 and up
• Moon Dough, recommended for boys and girls 2 and up
• Nerf and Strike Stampede ECS Blaster, recommended for boys 8 and up
• Silly Bandz, recommended for boys and girls 5 and up
• Sing-A-Ma-Jigs, recommended for boys and girls 3 and up
• Squinkies, recommended for girls 3 and up
• V.Reader, recommended for boys and girls 3 and up
• Zoombles, recommended for girls 4 and up

Hope this helps with your shopping for the holidays! Have fun.

Beware of "Bad" Praise!

Is there good praise and bad praise for your kids? Isn't any praise good for them? After all, there have been studies that show that self-esteem is incredibly important in our kids. So how can there be bad praise?

In the book, Nurtureshock: New Thinking About Children http://www.nurtureshock.com , authors Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman show why there is such a thing. Not only does a certain type of praise not help our kids, it can actually decrease their desire to achieve.

An example in the book shows kids being giving tests. After the first test, one child is told they are very smart. The other is told they must have tried really hard. For the next test, the children are given a choice of an easier test or a harder one that will teach them something.

The child who was told they were smart picked the easier test. The one who was told they tried hard picked the harder one. And it was not true for just one group of kids. It is universal. The "smart" kid could not allow themselves to fail, so they would not put themselves in a position where that could happen.

If you praise effort, you give the child a variable they can control--the amount of work they put into a project. Conversely, the kids who were praised for their intellect (which they do not control) felt no need to put out effort.

These results were true, regardless of socioeconomic class or gender. So if you want to make a big difference in your child, praise their efforts. Tell them they worked hard on a project and did it well rather than tell them how smart they are. Tell them they hit the ball well in the baseball game rather than saying they are great ball players.

If you think about it, it makes sense.

Children Need to Learn Patriotism at Home

Recently I saw a YouTube video entitled I Fought For You by The Sound Tank. I will post it on my Parents Rule Facebook page tomorrow. It is an excellent way to start a discussion with your child about our country. This week we celebrate Veteran's Day, a day set aside to honor all those men and women who have served our country and played a part in gaining and preserving our freedom.

So many forces are trying to take away our freedoms these days and we must be vigilant. But, even more important, we must teach our children to be on guard against attacks from outside and from inside our borders. Some attacks sound innocent enough until you scratch under the surface and find out the true goals.

Therefore we must (and we must teach our children) to never take a pundit's or a politician's or a reporter's word as absolute fact until we have done the research ourselves. Our country has always been united in its desire to protect our freedom. We need to continue on that path or face loss of what we hold dear about our wonderful country.

Talk to your kids--make sure they know that freedom comes at a price. It is sometimes a steep price, but worth it. Ask any Gold Star mom (one who has lost a child in military service) and she will tell you how proud she is of her child's desire to play their role in our country's history.

God bless our troops and keep them safe.